“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”
Historian Jane Plumber says nothing will change until someone is actually brave enough to commit infanticide.
“It’s clear that time traveling back to April 20, 1889, in Austria is getting easier and easier. But you can’t just go and give baby Hitler a lecture on why genocide is bad. You need to pick the kid up and spike him on the ground like a football,” said Plumber. “And killing the baby isn’t even the worst part, you will most likely get arrested for killing this kid and nobody will actually know you’re a hero to millions. You are just some psycho who turned a healthy baby into a puddle of blood and guts. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to make a difference.”
I’m fucking dying. I had to read this out loud to my wife, because she wanted to know what I was laughing at, and I could barely get through it.
Also, my grandpa killed Nazis. I loved that man.
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We need to start killing them again. They feel too safe.
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Executions in the fucking street. That’s how it always should have been but we went soft. I’m going to be less soft going forward.
I never met your grandpa…unless I have, and never knew it…anyways, point is, he sounds like good people. I wish he were still killing nazis. The world needs more dead nazis right now. Our country is lousy with them.
