I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I resonate a lot with what you said. My existence seems like a burden to me sometimes. While i know there are no one-size-fits-it-all solutions, have you tried to express this as artistic compositions? As from my experience, it kinda works like a nice cathartic mechanism of dealing with my existence: drawing, writing, tinkering with words and language. It distracts me from the burdens, even though its temporarily. It doesn’t need to be professional art or perfect art, it’s the expression that matters.