A few days ago I made a post on Comradeship about my anxiety surrounding the upcoming meeting with my professor. This meeting was a graded consultation related to the research paper. Essentially, we had to make a research proposal and present it to him privately in his office, he would grade this proposal based on the topic, the grammar, and whether he believes we seem to have a decent grasp on said topic. This proposal had to be 250 words describing our topic (in the form of a research question) and we had to list two sources we would use for our paper (one primary and one secondary). He wasn’t going to grade us just on that, though. This consultation had a verbal component as well where he would ask questions and gauge for himself whether we spoke with enough confidence. This consultation was really just a way for him to judge our topic (is it related to the course or not) and see if we could handle it, or something like that.

I was incredibly nervous (rightfully so, in my opinion) due to the nature of my topic. I was, and still am, going to write about the “alleged” genocide in the Donbas. My actual question I wrote in my proposal was “I would like to write a research paper about the 2014-2022 period of conflict in Ukraine with regards to the Donbas region and whether the events that have taken place there constitute genocide coinciding with the UN’s definition codified in the 1948 Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide. The paper will also look into the role of leadership in Ukraine, Russia, and the Donbas region, the far-right, and xenophobia that may have exacerbated this conflict.” Of course, the proposal was, and had to be, more than just that but that’s the main point. I then said while the bulk of the paper would look into the 2014-2022 time period, sources post 2022 would also be used as “supplementary” material. the two sources I listed were Russia, Ukraine and Contemporary Imperialism Edited by Boris Kagarlitsky, Radhika Desai and Alan Freeman, and the UN Document Security Council, 69th year: 7157th. I briefly explained what each source was about and that was pretty much my written proposal. It sounds pretty good on paper, I was incredibly neutral and tried my best to not sound accusatory. As You can see I didn’t even call the events in the Donbas “genocide” as my research is supposed to see whether it is or isn’t. I was prepared to go into this consultation talking about the UN definition, while it isn’t the be-all-end-all definition it would be a good one to use for the situation due to the UN being involved in the conflict. I was also going to stress to my professor that I knew what I was doing, and while I am aware of the sensitivity of the issue and the school’s stance on it, I needed him to trust me on this.

I tried to keep it cool but as I was walking to his office I could feel my heart rate skyrocket. I am not joking. I help my fingers to my neck pulse and it was beating incredibly fast. I can’t say the exact BPM (I wouldn’t know how to measure that) so just trust me when I say it was fast. I made sure to choose the last time slot for the day as I know, even though I am quite shy and anxious, I tend to talk a lot when it comes to certain topics (I am a storyteller at heart). Anyway, I entered the room and he greeted me, asking how I was but I didn’t really say anything back, my face and demeanour could fill in the blanks for him. He told me to have a seat and I did, handing him my proposal. It was folded and I apologized but thankfully I wont get docked marks for wrinkled/folded paper (I know some professors are weird about that kind of stuff). He unfolded the paper and began to read it silently, this just increased my anxiety more. While he was doing that I just opted for reading the book spines on his shelf, nothing too remarkable but there were two copies of E.P. Thompson’s The Making of the English Working Class which caught my eye. I’ve never read those books but seeing something about the working class was interesting. As he was reading he began to type on his computer which made me even more nervous, did I do something wrong? Are my sources bad? I asked him if he was looking up the UN document as I know it’s a weird one to list. He said no and that he was actually looking up the Russia, Ukraine and Contemporary Imperialism one. It’s a good source so I don’t know why I was freaking out, but then again I do know why. It’s a book that challenges the western narrative on Russia and that could realistically get me in trouble. He finished his reading and things were silent for a few seconds, I then asked if this was it for the consultation because I thought that there was a verbal component. He said that no, this wasn’t the whole consultation and that yes, there was a verbal component.

He then said, quite loudly “so you want to write a paper on the-“ and I, hopefully somewhat politely, cut him off going “wait, wait, wait! Please, just…” and gestured with my hand to lower his volume. He got the hint right away and didn’t seem offended (thank god) and proceeded to say his statement quieter. “So you want to write about the alleged genocide against ethnic Russians by Ukrainians in the Donbas.” And I am so sorry everyone, I really did try, but the second he said that the tears immediately welled in my eyes, my voice go watery and all I could muster was a pathetic and weepy “yes.” Right after that I began to full on cry right in front of him. He was stunned and flustered. I mean, who wouldn’t be? He’s probably never had to experience this situation much, most adults don’t cry in front of each other, especially not over something like this. I immediately apologized for sobbing but that really didn’t stop the tears and fear. I was honest with him, how could I not be? I told him how scared I was for choosing this topic because I know how he and the school feels about it, I didn’t want to get in trouble or expelled or arrested or deported. He was, again, just stunned and really tried to calm me down a little. He said that this wasn’t something to be scared about and that it’s a great topic to write. He told me that it’s true that our media has neglected to cover this issue and that it’s not a bad idea for me to dig into it. I tried to justify my fear by telling him that his email to the guy in our school, while I understand he probably had good intentions, really fucked me up. It made me even more fearful. He apologized for that and said that the only reason he went to that Ukraine “club” guy was because my professor is not an expert at all on that side of the world and wanted to talk to someone who (apparently) was. He reiterated that he did not give away my identity, but I replied that it doesn’t matter because now they know there is a “dissenting” voice. He sent that email because while Katchanovski’s thesis was compelling there were people who disagreed and believed he was over exaggerating elements of the Maidan “rebellion.” I should be careful when citing him, “because he’s fringe,” I said.

I told him that he has to understand where I am coming from with my fear, that I am rightfully scared, and he somewhat agreed. What he doesn’t understand is my fear of arrest or deportation, how would that ever happen? I did try to downplay my statement by saying that I was an extremist in terms of looking at the worst case scenario, but I went to those extremes because there’s a war going on and any dissenting voice could very well be seen as a threat, I could be labeled a Russian spy even though me and my family aren’t even from that side of the planet. I told him that there were other people who had similar “ideas” as me and they got into big trouble but nothing came of it because they were in positions of authority (Radhika Desai) while I was a mere student. He kind of laughed at that and said “I don’t have the authority to hurt you in that way. I am not a Ukrainian secret agent, which is exactly what a spy would say, but I can promise I am not in the KGB.” Which was kind of weird to say since the KGB doesn’t exist anymore (I think). He said the worst that could happen to me for writing this paper is that I get a B-, which is a much higher grade than I thought but he must somewhat believe in my writing abilities (I know it doesn’t translate here very well but I can assure you that my writing is decent). He promise me that no one else would read my paper and the only reason another would get their hands on it would be if some special forces broke in or something like that.

He did go on to say that he worries that my paper might parrot Kremlin propaganda as Putin has been using this situation to justify the “invasion.” He wants me to be careful that I don’t fall down any rabbit holes while doing my research, but then again based on the sources I have listed he doesn’t think I will. He then said there needs to be a big ass question mark at the end of my statement of “is what happened in the Donbas a genocide.” Is there an outcome where the answer to my question is “no?” I said maybe. He said “that good, and hey, maybe the answer isn’t no, and thats fine too but you need to be careful that you are not justifying anything, two wrongs don’t make a right.” I was kind of annoyed at this as it felt like a lecture and I truly know what I am doing, so I said just that: “I am well aware of all of that.” And he said thats good. After that he attempted to quell my fears again and reiterate that I would be fine, that writing this paper wouldn’t hurt me and that at the end of the day all I had to worry about was a bad grade. But he said there probably wont be an issue with that as my sources are good and so is my writing (based on how I wrote the proposal). He said that even if he doesn’t agree with my ideas/paper, that will not cloud his judgement of it, and hey, maybe I will change his mind a little if my evidence is good. If not change his mind then make him think a bit more. He told me that he will grade disagreeable papers well if they are written properly with god sources, and he will grade agreeable papers poorly if they are written badly with shoddy sourcing. That’s all there is to it. I wasn’t completely convinced or comforted (considering everything I’ve been through with this school I think I have a right to feel this way) but the tears did stop and I, embarrassingly, pointed to and asked for the tissues on his desk. He quickly brought them to me and apologized for not doing so sooner. After a bit more chatting and decompressing our consultation ended and I went home.

I am not entirely convinced by our talk but I guess, in the end, it doesn’t matter. I’ll write my paper as well as I can and he will grade with or without judgement. I am not writing this paper (or any of my papers) to change my professors’ minds, I don’t think I ever could based on what I can see of their behaviours, I am using these opportunities to go through an incredibly liberalized institution without compromising on my principles. I’ll answer the quiz questions the way they want me to (even if it’s historically incorrect) but papers? I can write about whatever I want as long as my sources are good. Because here’s the thing: I am not going to stay in Canada for forever, hopefully I’ll be able to go overseas for my PhD (I will do my masters in Canada, hopefully in a different province) and I want my work to reflect myself rather than my institution. I will hopefully move overseas too, so why would I write papers that appeal to an institution of a country I wont live in anymore? Does that make sense? Yes, writing my papers makes me incredibly anxious to the point of crying but at the end of the day even that isn’t going to stop me. I’ll go through my rightful panic attacks and then move on. I am a sensitive person, almost anything makes me cry, and if I let my tears stop me from doing something I wouldn’t get anything done.

Anyway, thats what happened. I hope this was semi-“enjoyable” to read and you can all understand where I am coming from.