I’m struggling with the giant divide in the, shall we say, amorous appetite between my spouse (mid-30’s F) and me (mid-30’s M).
Due to dissimilar but equally traumatic backgrounds, we have very different opinions of sex (and physical expression of affection in general) in utility, execution, and significance. I am exceedingly (and uncomfortably, for her) voracious/enthusiastic, whereas she is almost painfully hesitant and reluctant.
I’ve recently started learning to address this by trying to understand her perspective more, but there’s still a long way to go, as healthy communication about this topic is in its infancy, after nearly a decade together. As well, I’m learning to be more introspective about my own motivations.
However, I can’t help the feeling (as I go through my process) that I am putting more emphasis on learning to suppress my needs (for physical affection) than actually getting my needs met. Akin to telling a starving man to “learn to be not hungry” rather than giving him anything to eat.
I’m sure there’s a middle ground, but I don’t know how to get there on my own. I don’t want to be disrespectful of my wife’s feelings, and I don’t want to be so dependent on sex to feel good in my relationship (but old habits die hard).
I’m here to see if anyone has a suggestion, a lesson learned from their own experience, or just anything that might help.
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If you both have a traumatic background, you should probably see a sex therapist, both of you. There’s also a good book called come as you are by Emily Nagoski could be helpful to read.
I personally have had similar issues, and my beat advice is to be open with your partner about how you feel, and have an open dialog about it. You may not find it easy to discuss, you may even fight about it before it gets better. Regardless, I feel where you’re xoming from and I wish you the best navigating this.
I agree that we both need to go through a healing program or exercise. I think I’m impatient and maybe a little resentful because I am actively pursuing self healing techniques, whereas she has all but admitted she hasn’t bothered. Also, as I mentioned, communication about this is nascent and superficial so far.
I’ll try the book recommendation, I think that one has been suggested to me before.
I understand being impatient. I’ve felt that way myself. It’s a sucky feeling. Hopefully you two figure it out.
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How else is he supposed to frame it? If he needs it, it’s a need. I’ve been in a similar situation and the LL person almost universally sees sex as a desire, but not important enough to be classified as a need.
Honestly, anything other than food, water, & shelter are also not technically needs either, but that’s a retarded way to look at the world if you want to be in a committed relationship.
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Emotional connection is t a need, either, yet every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks it is.
If it’s a need FOR YOU, it’s a need.
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I don’t think I would want to be partners with someone who did not want to make sure that I was happy, and fulfilled, and my needs were met. Because I would absolutely want to do the same for them.
And it’s been my experience that women absolutely demand for their partners to meet their needs. Maybe you’ve just been lucky in that regard.
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Expecting your partner to fill your needs is adult behavior my friend. I think you have a very one sided view of what relationships would be and if relationships were only what you are saying they should be, they’d be pointless to get into.
Also your whole argument about women getting their emotional needs met by non sexual relationships is a red herring for this discussion because that has mote to do with what is acceptable societally.
Intimacy isn’t a need inside of a sexually healthy heterosexual relationship? That’s insane. I don’t even know how to communicate with someone who has such a view of relationships. It defys all logic and what we know about human companionship.
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Thanks!
Done
dont’ over think it. Sex is important in a relationship and if one person isn’t willing to do that with you, its a major problem and must be dealt with. I’m similar age as you and my wife and i have sex all the time with very few problems if any. yes, sometimes we wait because one of us is sick, or on a period, but generally right after that, we get right back to it without much delay.
you’re situation isn’t normal, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it is. you’re a human being with needs. you don’t have to “suppress” anything. now that being said, yea if you are a sex addict and watching porn all the time and asking your wife to do things she doesn’t want to do, yea, thats not good. but if you’re being genuine and just wanting to have some sex, and she is stonewalling you, its either time to separate, or find a compromise.
Move on.
Of course, don’t try to figure out differences, just abandon them and find someone else!
