Life is just becoming untenable. It’s bad enough being ill and disabled, dealing with chronic pain, endless hospital appointments, multiple surgeries and seeing my life slip down the drain because I’m not well enough to do anything worthwhile. But I could live with this. What I can’t cope with any more is poverty.

It’s one thing going through benefit appeals. OK my money gets stopped for months during the appeal, and I rack up debt and have to beg for food on here. It’s hard because I usually get ignored on mutual aid so had to start asking for help on here, and I’m always worried that people on here will stop responding too. So living with constant threat of hunger too. Having to eke out each morsel of food carefully. But I could live with that for a while until my benefits get sorted, since it’s temporary.

But now the government say they are cutting disability benefits drastically, to the point I will not be able to live on them, AND they’re making it virtually impossible to claim them AND they’re forcing claimants into work placements. Multiple doctors have written me letters of support saying I’m totally unfit for any type of work whatsoever, and need help with basic daily things. Yet I still got 0 points on my last assessment. So there is no way the DWP will take the doctor’s word for it that I can’t work when these new rules come in (and the government say they’re being implemented in 54 days.) I know I can’t work any more, it’s not even a debate.

On top of cancer treatment and a stroke, I’m currently recovering from my last foot surgery. I can’t even wear shoes right now, and they said the recovery could take up to 4 months to be complete. I need another foot surgery and I’ve been given the date - 24th April. That’s three months from now. That means just as I recover from this surgery I’ll be having another one and have to go through the whole thing again. And this recovery has been horrible - as well as being unable to wear shoes I ended up in A&E when my surgical wounds got infected and it’s still infected. I have to get the dressings changed by the nurse multiple times a week and pay for my own bandages because the NHS don’t pay for that! I got the money for the bandages by begging on here. And that alone puts me at risk of getting in trouble with the DWP. AND I have to constantly fight to keep my meds as they’re always trying to stop or reduce them on cost grounds, never on medical grounds.

I just feel that this latest news about disability benefits is the final straw. When this is implemented I don’t see any way out but suicide. I am scared of course, I tried once before and just ended up in intensive care for 5 days. I’m worried about making another mess of it. This sick world does everything it can to make the most reliable and painless suicide methods unavailable, while making people’s lives more unbearable so they want to die, but can’t.

I’m thinking my only real option is drowning. I live right by the sea and have some diazapam tablets, maybe I can take enough to knock myself out so the drowning won’t be so bad. I should stress I am planning to do this in several months when the financial situation becomes clear, not right now so I don’t want any do-gooders phoning the police on me or any shit. I am only writing this so if the time comes people will know I did this purely for financial reasons, because the government have bullied me to the point of having no other way out.

I will not accept being out on the street, or moved from shelter to shelter. In fact I asked my shitty therapist about sheltered accommodation, you know what she said? She said you have to pay to live there, it’s not free. I said so what about when I’m not in receipt of benefits, such as during appeals? She said then I’d be evicted. There is no security or safety, anywhere.

I am tired of this. The immense stress of benefit assessments and appeals is bad enough, but this new government have taken away all hope of a survivable future. It’s already exhausting and stressful begging for food and never knowing whether I will get a response or not, but this new situation means the end of all hope and a life of permanent destitution and homelessness.

  • Kras Mazov@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
    3·
    1 day ago

    I’m so sorry, comrade. No one should have to go through what you’re going right now. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to help you. I know that having to beg just to be able to stay alive is stressful and can feel shameful, but is there no one irl that can help you? Is there no place you can go to that might help you in any way possible? A help campaign online maybe? If you can, post this to Hexbear, the bigger amount of users there might help with visibility and material help too. You absolutely deserve better and deserve to be able to live your life to your fullest extend, fuck this bullshit system that is making you miserable.

    I deeply hope your situation gets better, comrade. If you ever need to talk to someone, you can DM me, I might not know how to reply properly all the time, but I’m a good listener. ❤️

  • LiveLoveStalin [comrade/them, he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    2 days ago

    Comrade, I wish I could offer more than words to help you. I’ve never dealt with the medical issues like you have or had the misfortune of relying on our cruel broken system. I have been very depressed before by life and by the world around me and thought much in the same way you do about seeking an escape. I only wish life was not so hard for you, or for anyone for that matter. Nobody should be made to feel like death is there only option. Your story highlights the violence perpetrated against the poor by the wealthy.

    “When one individual inflicts bodily injury upon another such injury that death results, we call the deed manslaughter; when the assailant knew in advance that the injury would be fatal, we call his deed murder. But when society places hundreds of proletarians in such a position that they inevitably meet a too early and an unnatural death, one which is quite as much a death by violence as that by the sword or bullet; when it deprives thousands of the necessaries of life, places them under conditions in which they cannot live – forces them, through the strong arm of the law, to remain in such conditions until that death ensues which is the inevitable consequence – knows that these thousands of victims must perish, and yet permits these conditions to remain, its deed is murder just as surely as the deed of the single individual; disguised, malicious murder, murder against which none can defend himself, which does not seem what it is, because no man sees the murderer, because the death of the victim seems a natural one, since the offence is more one of omission than of commission. But murder it remains.” Frederich Engels

    • DisabledAceSocialist@lemmygrad.mlOPEnglish
      8·
      2 days ago

      Thank you for the moral support, and for the quote. I think I will send that quote to my local MP. Not that he cares, it took him 4 months to respond to my last email.

      EDIT: I sent it to him, along with a request for further clarification on the upcoming benefits changes.

  • roflcow2@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
    10·
    2 days ago

    I have no words that can help, but know people understand you. I have a 2 year old with T1D and I have so much fear about being able to provide care for him in the current world. I barely make any money and my SO just got suspended because we had to take him to the ER for the 3rd time this month and she works in Healthcare. It’s hard and my eyes are filled with tears daily as I know even in my situation I’m still doing okay enough for now the same as you, but 3-4 months out is a scary place to look at. ❤️