Hey all,

I hope I can post my request here.

I recently finished and self-published my first fantasy novel. It’s a mythical-action kind of story, set in a made-up world where Light and Night are locked in an ancient struggle.

I know the writing isn’t perfect, that’s why I’m here. I’d love some honest feedback on the first 20 pages: pacing, clarity, style, anything that stands out. If you’re up for reading, I can share it via DM or a secure link.

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look. Really appreciate the time and critique.

  • SineIraEtStudio@midwest.socialEnglish
    2·
    2 days ago

    Happy to help and hopefully the review below is helpful.

    Definitely has some world elements that mark it as “different” which I like. I think it’s a bunch of little things that could be changed to improve understanding. Overall though the start of a potentially interesting story (just not enough pages to make a real judgement call).

    Notes I had:

    • I’m not sure I’m going to articulate this properly, but the writing switches between narration (all knowing) and 3rd person POV a few times.

    • Telling rather than showing (ex. “He loved old books …” This seems like something the conversation with the librarian could highlight.

    • Pg. 10 “I hope not. I hope not.” is confusing. Who is Elder Rowan talking to/answering?

    • Pg. 11 Who is Mira? I’m guessing a friend in a similar age range, but I have no idea. Some context clues would be helpful.

    • How old are the characters? Kiran? I’m putting him at 10ish, but Kiran may have his own house, so I have no idea.

    • What is the target audience’s age? I’m guessing elementary to middle school.

    • Pg. 11 “Hmm… okay. I won’t ask about that. …” Doesn’t make sense based on what Kiran said to her. The first part of her dialog appears to be an internal thought the second is directed toward Kiran.

    • Pg. 12 “They could hide behind the large columns if someone entered.” Seems like a character thought but put in a narrative paragraph.

    • Pg 13 How does Mira know where the archives are and why has she been in the council chamber before but Kiran hasn’t? Without more context Mira seems to be a plot device rather than a person.

    • Pg. 14 There are rows of books and they find the book they are looking for on the first try and Mira knows its the right one and where to go based on “instinct”. That’s a tough one to believe. A couple sentences here could smooth this section out.

    • Pg. 15 Mira went from charging forward with no regard for consequences to terrified and helpless. Kiran was panicking a bit with the librarian at the beginning but is now thinking clearly and in charge when people are dying from shadows. Seems inconsistent personalities that are plot dependent.

    • Pg. 16 They are running for their lives and they want to stop to pickup a large to-go order for the long trip they decided on during their panicked flight?

    • What is the “Boom” that happens? Some added description would be beneficial here to make it seem less plot contrived.

    • Mira again jumping between in charge and helpless. There could be reason why Kiran is less affected than she is and he is able to shake the terror quicker (distance from the “formless mass”?), but as it reads now it seems that it’s just so that Kiran can save her.

    • I think this section could use some reworking.

    Side question: How do fireflies survive in these glass orbs? I guess the enchantment, but if that’s the case I’m guessing they are not alive/frozen in time. If they are alive and flying around, maybe they aren’t in but surrounding the orbs, and the orbs provide for them and keep them alive so they never leave the area of the orb?

    PDF only went to page 16

    Let me know if you have any questions or would like to discuss anything in more depth. Best of luck with your writing and good job so far :)

    • The House of Olivier EU@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      2·
      2 days ago

      Thank you so much. I am so happy for the feedback. First, I want to apologize for the lack of pages. When I split my PDF it showed me 20 but yeah… It counted the cover etc.

      About: I’m not sure I’m going to articulate this properly, but the writing switches between narration (all knowing) and 3rd person POV a few times. What do you mean? I do not understand sorry :(

      General question: Do you think it is important to know the age of the person? What I wanted to do/convey is: talking a bit less about physical trait of the characters but more about the mind, psyche of the characters. So, anyone can identify to the characters easily (if I “remove” the physical part ; including age). Maybe, it is too “conceptual”.

      I must admit I have hard time with Mira. I wanted her to be the adventurer type the “Let’s do this ; let’s go” type but also she needs to forecast things like a planner type (If I can say like that) otherwise, she panics. But not so helpless like that lol That is ok. I will rework.

      For the side questions. I laughed as yeah for me it made sense but for someone else… yeah… maybe not.

      • SineIraEtStudio@midwest.socialEnglish
        1·
        1 day ago

        No worries. I’ve made that mistake a few times myself :)

        Yeah, let me try and take another crack at elaborating on this. 3rd person POV would be someone watching and describing what they see (no special knowledge), which seems to be what most of the work is written as. Narrators can make statements of absolute truth which is what the beginning is (which is fine), but then it shows up again randomly in a few sections. I would say narrative writing is less perilous for the characters because the narrator knows the absolute truth of everything (past, present, and future) so they are less likely to be in danger. Kind of like if I told you a TV character was in the 3rd season of the show (absolute truth) you wouldn’t be too worried about them dying in the first 2 seasons. Hopefully, that’s a little more clear…

        I think its fine to write without giving physical characteristics, but you should have the characters fully flushed out in your head (even if you don’t tell the reader the details). This should make the characters more consistent and other characters’ interactions with them more consist.

        Since you didn’t provide descriptors or context clues on Kiran and Mira, I built up those descriptions myself based on the little I knew about them and extrapolations from there (trying to build out the world so I can “watch” what is happening through the 3rd person POV). Then they would taken an action the characters I made up wouldn’t do and it took me out of the story to figure out what went wrong (why characters weren’t behaving as I would expect them to).

        It seems the characters are plot driven rather than the plot being character driven. What I mean is that it seems that you have a plot thought out and you want your characters to follow it and even force them to follow it when it doesn’t quite make sense for them to do it that way. Takes the reader out of the story and feels “plot armor-ee”.

        I would suggeat a character driven plot where you have a fully flushed out characters (which you may already have) and then just drop them into a situation and see how they would respond. It makes for more consist characters throughout a story and if the characters wouldn’t respond the way you want them to, “why is that?” and “what do you need to tweak to get them to respond that way?” Ex. Maybe there’s bees one direction and Kiran has always been afraid of bees since he was little because he tried to hug a hive and got stung all over so they go the other way. You would need to foreshadow the plot point (bee fear) before it became relevant, but that’s a way you can tweak a character’s behaviour to match the plot you are trying to reach.

        For Mira, “let’s do this, but only if we have a plan” is a fine personality setup (and potential starting point for a character arc), but it doesn’t seem to be the case when she wants to rush into the council chamber. My suggestion would be what I said before, fully flush out the characters and drop them into the situation. If you are worried about long tangents in the writing (to make sure the characters are behaving consistantly, but it would drag down the pace) you can usually just handwave preperation time or prior actions with a sentence or two and keep the plot moving forward.

        Hopefully this all makes sense. Let me know if you want to discuss further :)