The empty pit inside. I excuse my bad choice because of it. Let me just waste my money and time on things that will go nowhere. Let me have this food addiction since I’m too ugly and miserable to leave the house and you know it. Let me just doom scroll all day even though it’s making me worse, because let’s face it, it’s too late for me to turn things around and be satisfied with myself. I’ve given that role to other people. My sister. She’s the version of me I wish the world could see. The Galinda to my Elphaba.

I feel scared and slightly selfish to let my nervous system properly rest and give it what it needs. That’s a life I don’t know. Too unpredictable. And this is my role anyway.

I’ve got everything I could ever possibly need but a working brain and heart.

Looking back at my life, I cringe and delete everything, wish I didn’t do x or say that. And I eventually do forget and I’ll probably get dementia.