Losing faith in Christ. That was really one of the biggest things because it tied everything together but losing faith also created a massive rift between me and my reactionary family. Losing faith in Christ gave me faith in myself to become something else despite the fact that I had really lost control of everything.
I also always knew everything was political. It was how I justified a lot of my conservative views because it was in the interest of Christian, pettybourg society. The arguments and discourses surrounding certain issues were secondary, they were always a red herring. The real issue was developing and flexing political power. I now can contextualize this as having understood my class interests and being well versed in settler political discourse and praxis because of my upbringing. This mindset made it easy for me to shift my politics without apology or shame.
I’ve also always been a true believer. I was an evangelist. I would pray with strangers and have theological debates with teachers on their own territory with the purpose of proselytizing. It truly was a different life looking back, but its hard for me to half ass this kind of stuff. Even if I don’t really have the agency to do what I think is needed, I can’t just sit on the fence, I can’t just not change how I think. If I think something is consequential, especially if it is abstract or on a macro scale, I fixate on it. This comes with its own baggage, but I think it was part of my fall.
Another factor is a resentment for dogma and ethical posturing. Im tired of giving moral justifications for everything and sifting through dogma. This is politics, not Sunday school. This was a huge factor in avoiding certain tendencies like MLM and anarchism while I radicalized and has spared me a major headarche.
Losing faith in Christ. That was really one of the biggest things because it tied everything together but losing faith also created a massive rift between me and my reactionary family. Losing faith in Christ gave me faith in myself to become something else despite the fact that I had really lost control of everything.
I also always knew everything was political. It was how I justified a lot of my conservative views because it was in the interest of Christian, pettybourg society. The arguments and discourses surrounding certain issues were secondary, they were always a red herring. The real issue was developing and flexing political power. I now can contextualize this as having understood my class interests and being well versed in settler political discourse and praxis because of my upbringing. This mindset made it easy for me to shift my politics without apology or shame.
I’ve also always been a true believer. I was an evangelist. I would pray with strangers and have theological debates with teachers on their own territory with the purpose of proselytizing. It truly was a different life looking back, but its hard for me to half ass this kind of stuff. Even if I don’t really have the agency to do what I think is needed, I can’t just sit on the fence, I can’t just not change how I think. If I think something is consequential, especially if it is abstract or on a macro scale, I fixate on it. This comes with its own baggage, but I think it was part of my fall.
Another factor is a resentment for dogma and ethical posturing. Im tired of giving moral justifications for everything and sifting through dogma. This is politics, not Sunday school. This was a huge factor in avoiding certain tendencies like MLM and anarchism while I radicalized and has spared me a major headarche.