I used to work as a CVT and have assisted so many people with the passing of their baby- in office, house calls, cried with them, held them, felt babies spirit leave their bodies- yet not until last week did I lose my first baby, Phoenix. I already knew exactly what I wanted for him when he’d pass because I’d seen so many babies pass, so we did an at home euthanasia and I’m waiting for his urn to return to me.

I have a new understanding of how hard it is to know if it is the right time. I’d tell patients the 5 things rule: what 5 things make your baby happy? If they can’t do 3 of those, quality of life is low. While this is a general rule that isn’t perfect, it gives you a factual baseline when your emotions are high. I did that for Phoenix and even then, I struggled for a couple days to make the call. The week before he was a happy blind little boy, then one day he only ate half his dinner, then skipped breakfast the next morning and I knew. He declined quickly over the next few days, suddenly unable to walk well, bathroom problems, etc. he was almost 17 and I knew, but I couldn’t make the call until a couple days later.

Additionally, since he became blind later on in life, even though he adapted well, I realized looking back at videos, he wasn’t the same after losing sight. Still happy and doing what he wanted, but he required assistance and lost the ability to do a lot of things that made him happy. He also stopped grooming himself and already was a lot of work grooming due to his thick Maine coon hair. I’d clean him every week with a washcloth. He’d get nauseous a lot and that means vomit if he was too active. He also had separation anxiety so on busy weeks at work, he would potty where he shouldn’t in retaliation.

I want to preface that I love my boy very much. I’ve had him since I was 10, and is the reason I became a CVT and took the steps in life I did up until this point. He happily snuggled and played with my other babies every day up until this month. But a lot of my day was taking care of him. I was often frustrated in the moment, and now that he’s gone, I feel insane guilt for that. Even more than the frustration, I’ve found my life simpler and, although he was not loud, the room feels deafeningly silent. Along with my intense sadness, I felt “happy” that life was a little simpler now. And that happiness is unbearable and feels so wrong. I would take care of him again in a heartbeat for the rest of my life, but he’s gone now and I don’t have a geriatric to take care of anymore. I watch my youngest baby sit on her bed, not knowing what to do because she always fell asleep with him. My other baby boy sleeping where Phoenix passed away in our room.

It’s tearing my heart apart. This isn’t all the context, but I didn’t want to make a longer post even longer. If any of you took the time to read all this, I’d appreciate any thoughts or struggles you’ve gone through. Pictures of your babies are always lovely to see too.

Thank you for being such a wonderful community.