Iām a 52-year-old father, and Iām honestly at my witās end here. My 22-year-old son wants to change his last name to āCarrington,ā and itās driving me absolutely crazy. You see, he was named after me, and now he wants to throw that away just because he doesnāt like our family name. Heās been talking about this since he was 15-17, but I foolishly believed it was just teenage angst that would fade away with time. But here we are, years later, and heās still hell-bent on becoming a āCarrington.ā Why?
Well, for one, heās never liked me or my last name, and heās not close to my side of the family at all. My parents are in their 90s and still alive. I have siblings, but my son never spends time with them, and neither did I ever let my son visit them. The last time my son saw my parents or my siblings was when he was 10 years old, and that was it. But still, that doesnāt give him the right to change his last name, let alone to that of some character name he likes.
Because he watched some soap opera called āDynastyā and fell in love with their last name. I mean, seriously? Changing his name to a fictional characterās name from a TV show sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. Iām really struggling to understand this whole situation. We donāt have any Carringtons in our family, and it feels like heās disrespecting our family lineage and his ancestors. Itās like heās trying to cut ties with his own heritage, and that just breaks my heart.
If he had a valid reason, like adopting his motherās maiden name, changing his last name to his wifes name or for religious reasons, I would probably be more understanding. Heck, if he was transgender and changing his name to better reflect his identity, I would fully support him. But this? It feels like heās going through some sort of identity crisis and hates himself for no good reason. Iāve suggested that he consider professional help or therapy to sort through his feelings and understand why heās so adamant about this change.
But he brushes it off, saying heās sure about this decision. Iām his father, and I canāt help but feel like itās my business too. After all, I named him, and our family name has been passed down through generations. Now, it seems like itāll stop with him.I want him to know that I still love him, but I wonāt call him āCarrington.ā To me, heāll always be my son with the name I gave him. Maybe Iām old-fashioned, but changing his name to something so fictional just seems immature and crazy to me.
My son also has no respect for me whatsoever. He doesnāt like me, care about me, and finds me annoying. He straight up said, āI couldnāt give a fuck less about you or your opinion. The fact that you think I should care proves how utterly stupid you are.ā He doesnāt consider his motherās brother or cousin his āfamilyā either, and he truly doesnāt give one fuck about what I feel about this decision.
TL;DR: My 22-year-old son wants to change his last name to āCarringtonā just because he watched a soap opera and liked their name. I think itās ridiculous, disrespectful to our family lineage, and shows a lack of understanding about his own identity. I wonāt call him āCarringtonā and hope heāll come to his senses soon. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Yta.
Him choosing a name that he likes to be called is perfectly acceptable.
You insisting that he be called a name that he doesnāt like is clearly unacceptable.
You need you realize that heās an adult, which frees him to do anything he wants, however stupid or hurtful to you. Perhaps suggest that if he hates his identity so much, he should seek counseling about it. Changing his name probably wonāt help it. Thatās an angle that might get you what you want and help his actual problem too.
Also, since he dislikes you and your side of the family, try to understand why. Show him you care about his reasons and address them. But do not ignore his feelings or argue that heās simply wrong.
His choice for a new name is also a clue, maybe watch the show a bit and you might see why he admires those characters. Which also might be another clue about what he thinks of himself.
heās not close to my side of the family at all ā¦ and neither did I ever let my son visit them ā¦
heās disrespecting our family lineage and his ancestors ā¦ Itās like heās trying to cut ties with his own heritage
If he had a valid reasonā¦
Perhaps putting these parts next to each other might help you to see theyāre possibly contradictory. Is he severing ties, or were they only very loosely connected from the start?
Itās not clear why he would find heritage a persuasive argument if he had little relationship with that heritage. Even if it held that carrying a name you didnāt choose implies respect for your ancestors, itās not clear why changing a name for religion or marriage would be somehow less disrespectful.
I can see why youād feel hurt that something you personally chose is not used, but when you give someone something, it is theirs to use or leave as they please. Changing your name is also not a permanent decision, thereās no reason he canāt change it back later, even if it is an administrative hassle.
It feels like heās going through some sort of identity crisis
Given how intense your emotional reaction is to his decision to change the letters and sounds he associates with, and your refusal to respect his decision as an adult, is it possible that you are actually the one experiencing an identity crisis?
I hope you will consider talking to a professional, and I hope you can find a way to turn this painful experience into an opportunity to build a stronger and healthier relationship with your son. It sounds like this turmoil is a symptom of a much larger connection problem than just the symbolism of a name and itās relationship to your family history.
Just consider two things you said here. You have said that he doesnāt care for your opinion, or seemingly even like you, and that you wonāt call him by the name he wants to use. There is a pattern here which is fairly obvious.
You donāt respect your son but expect respect from him. You want an asymmetric relationship where you are the parent and he is the child and what you say goes. Imagine if someone else wanted that in reverse with you. Would you respect them? Care about their opinion? Care about their feelings?
It is also likely that if you have this structure to your relationship you also probably do a bunch of other things that make him feel lesser and disrespected. Do you invade his privacy? Assert control over things? Make support contingent on his compliance?
Think about what respect actually means to you, what behaviours someone can have towards you are how they can make you feel. Really think it through and define respectful behaviour for two equal parties. Now evaluate whether you act towards your son in the ways you would consider respectful. We are not talking about subservient, bowing head and scraping the floor, we are talking about two people on an even footing having a conversation.
If you canāt honestly say that you behave towards him in a fair and respectful manner then any disrespect from him has to be seen for what it is. He has been trained by you in how he treats other people. If he is being an asshole to you chances are it is for a good reason.
In summary, YTA until further evidence is presented. Many people in your generation have this problem and it comes from having an authoritarian parenting style. Learning about that may help you to chart a new and better path forward. Good luck.
Youāre trolling, right? Because this is basically exactly when someone maybe should go ahead and change their last name. Also, heās an adult and itās not up to you.
Oh grim is back yes YTA.
I donāt think this is real but on the off chance it is - dude, you are an asshole. You have absolutely nothing to gain by pushing back on this, and plenty to lose (though it seems you have already done that). Why would he respect your family if you are the only one he knows from that family and you are not respectful or kind to him?
Maybe because Iām a woman but last names donāt mean anything to me. Sure itās my dadās name and/or my husbandās name, itās not mine in any particular way. If he wants one that can be his, who cares? You, apparently. Enough to poison your relationship more.
You claim to be a 28M in this post - https://sopuli.xyz/post/39610976 - whatās up?
Hmm, itās got the feel of an AI post. Iām locking it.
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