Hi. I need to vent because this makes me feel really bad really guilty :(

I’m 20 years old. I live in a more rural area, so there are a few cats around.

In 2016, I was 11 years old and we adopted our first cat, Hermione. She was rescued by a shelter that a friend of ours runs.

I fell in love with cats ever since.

Around 2018, I was 13 years old. A beautiful little calico cat appeared in the condominium. I named her Nininha. And I wanted to help, so I started giving her food.

In 2019, Nininha had babies. The entire neighborhood mobilized to help. They managed to capture her with the babies, she was spayed and the babies were adopted. But what my neighbor told me was the following: Nininha was castrated and they tried to keep her in a house. But she didn’t adapt, so she was returned to the condominium.

That’s what I heard, I’m not completely sure, but I don’t see why my neighbor would lie to me.

One of Nininha’s babies stayed behind during the entire process. He ended up in my backyard, very small. We adopted him. My second cat. Roninho.

From then on, with Nininha castrated, we felt calmer and continued to feed her.

In 2021, a Siamese kitten appeared in my yard. I don’t know where she came from, because only Nininha was here and she is spayed. Anyway, we also adopted. My third cat, Luna.

In 2023, the friend who owned the shelter I told asked if we could keep a cat she rescued, who had an ear infection, because the shelter was overcrowded and he needed specific care. We stayed with him. Harry, the fourth cat.

Meanwhile, I continued feeding Nininha.

In December 2025, a pregnant tricolor cat appeared. I have no idea where she came from. She wasn’t from the neighborhood, I think she was abandoned.

She had five babies at my front door.

We rescued them all on Christmas Eve. It was a success.

Three of the babies were adopted. I stayed with the mother, Galadriel, and two babies, Legolas and Frodo. Galadriel is a docile princess. Just very scared and traumatized.

But I can’t stop thinking about Nininha

I still feed her. She rolls over to greet me every time it’s time for food. But if I try to touch her or get close, she tries to scratch. So, I respect her space. My heart hurts. And my conscience doesn’t stop: “You saved so many, but you didn’t save Nininha. Nininha is still out there. How can you spoil your cats while she’s out there?”

Every time I interact with my cats, I feel horrible guilt thinking about her.

My neighbor says that’s her temperament. She didn’t adapt to a home. I see her sunbathing, rolling around and playing.

But still…

Every time I buy something cool for my cats, like the new parkour I bought, my mind says: “How dare you be happy seeing your cats happy while Nininha is outside?”

Also because one of my cats is Nina’s son.

I have so many cats and I think Nininha would be stressed if brought her here and took her away from her kingdom. So I keep feeding her and loving from afar.

I feel like a monster.

I feel so bad.