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I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell a little story.

In 2021 I “had” a cat with tuxedo fur I named “Leaning”, because I was out for a walk to de-stress and I saw her walking around (she seemed really friendly so I figured she was someone’s cat) (PS I looked around for signs for her regularly and never saw one) so I started singing the song “Leaning (on the everlasting arms)” to her to see if she’d follow me and she did.

From then on I did a ton of research into what cats eat and like. I’d give her some of my meats from meals to feed her, bought toys we played with, treated a skin problem she was dealing with, and greeted her in the morning, sat with her in the afternoon, and then she’d climb on my lap and I’d pet her till she fell asleep sometimes for close to two hours. I remember once I didn’t pick her up to pet to see what she’d do and she jumped from the ground onto my shoulder. She would also put her paw in my hand if I faced it up while I pet her. She was just the sweetest. I grew up with cats from my best friends and I never bonded with a cat like I did with her (and I _loved_ all their cats.)

Then the winter came and I set up a heater in a wooden room in the yard and a bed for her. I’d go out in super cold weather to sit with her with us all bundled up.

As the weather got colder I knew she couldn’t comfortably stay outside. She also wanted to come in to the house (I couldn’t bring her in because my parents didn’t want a cat). She’d walk along the window sill looking in at the house for me till I came out to her.

Then I told my Dad I really really loved her and asked if I could keep her. He said he’d think about it.

The family were also saying it was too cold for her. (Not knowing I had a heater going).

One night when I went out to feed her and sit with her she was totally gone.

I walked around singing the song (she’d always come when I did) and calling her name for hours.

I was panicking, crying, and grieving. Then at like three in the morning I woke up one of my brothers to just say I couldn’t find her basically to talk about how afraid and sad I was.

He told me the neighbor had her, so of course I was super relieved.

The next day I went to them to ask about her. (I’m super shy so I would normally _never_ have done something like that.)

(Meantime I was still waiting for my Dad’s answer about keeping her.)

The neighbor brought her out and said she’d been chipped, fixed, had her shots, and they’d named her “Crystal”. He also heavily implied “You can’t have her back because I paid for all these things”. He was holding her from her belly with one hand when he brought her out and she had all her paws spread way out. I remember feeling so upset seeing that. And thinking about how they had an aggressive dog too.

I was literally shaking and could barely pet her when I reached out the last time. She looked up at me too.

I found out later that my brother had told them the cat didn’t have anywhere to go and that they’d never even interacted with her before they took her.

A few days later my Dad said I couldn’t keep her.

I knew it wouldn’t make any difference to tell people I was grieving so I only told one friend about it and no one in my family.

I cried everyday for weeks and still feel sore and unhappy. I love cats and want one of my own when I can have one but there’s a part of me that feels I’m not ready after loosing her, like she was supposed to be _my cat_ and I lost the chance.

I know it was best for her to go into a home, and I’m glad that she has a home but it to me just feels like she should have been mine. Like how your child is yours and innately belongs to you. It feels like they stole her from me and will never love her, care for her, as much as I have.

I still love and miss her so much it aches.

This is the first time I’ve talked about her since then.

When I finished writing this I wondered if I had any photos of her. I found this one I sent to a friend, I didn’t even know I had it.