I’m officially 41.

At age 33, I was “celebrating” my birthday at my dealers crack den, which I also lived at.

It’s been a long, hard 8 years, but it’s been worth it. Changing my life was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it has been completely worth it. I’ve gone from begging for change like the people on the corner of Flinders and Elizabeth, to interviewing for better IT Manager roles. I’m normally humble, but I’m really fucking proud of that fact. That I got what I wanted in the end.

Got some great friends. People that are my family. People that have supported me, and I’m proud of being able to support when they need help. I love that I have a music studio full of great stuff that keeps me happy, and of course, the fluffy criminal known as Gibson. I still compare myself to others, but I’m learning to appreciate what I have, and that I’m very lucky that I’m so stubborn. I never wanted to die in the gutter. It’s ok that I don’t have property, or 100k in investments etc. I have a great rental that I can make loud guitar like noises in whenever I like and that’s perfect for now. Plus Gibson gets to run around in a big place and that’s great too.

At times, it’s been a very solitary existence. Readjusting to society after years and years of living in another world was jarring. I missed a lot, and am still catching up in a lot of ways. Making friends is hard when you have big gaps in your life. When people are talking about holidays and trips overseas, or festivals and weddings they’ve been to, you sit there quietly and try not to look too conspicuous. Only my close friends know the deal, and they’ve been wonderful in accepting me for who I am. I’m very lucky to have them.

Relationships are tricky. I’ve had some shitty experiences that have tarnished my view of dating, but I still keep trying to find the right kind of person. People like me can be easy to manipulate if you have bad intentions and I’ve learned what to look out for after the last disaster.

Sometimes, in weaker moments, I do consider going back to the old life, but that is like an alarm going off that says “hey, something in your life is really fucking bad right now, you need to fix it”. And I do as best as I can. My cancer scare last week definitely had me thinking of running back to the street, but thankfully there was no cancer. Even if there was, I don’t think I would have gone back. But I think that thought will always be there in the back of my mind when things are really tough. One of the leftover bits from the past.

Never give up on yourself. I guess that’s the point of this mini rant. Sometimes you want to. Sometimes it seems that there’s no way through. But you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Have a great day everyone :)

Pretty nice birthday today, but I had a job interview so that ate up a chunk of my energy, though it went well I think.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. It’s time for a bath, Gibson play time and some music time ❤️

Saturday night bar crawl with mates is looking damn good though lol

Feeling a bit melancholy this evening.

Listening to true crime podcasts hasn’t cheered me up, nor did trying to read in the bath, and now I’m just flicking through channels, endlessly…

Me and the doggo got rained on, and it was really hard to get up and go… But I got a PB! 27:06/5K which I’m really happy with! 🙂

Edit. Rewarded myself with a bacon & egg roll from my local… they’ve added chipotle mayo! Party, mouth, etc

Waiting at bus stop. Wait 5 mins, bus behind schedule so I assume bus be a while. I started walking towards the other bus line. Bus approaches from behind. Me: “fuuuck”.

Keep walking towards other bus line, I pass by bus. 5 mins later, bus still stuck in traffic and I get in the other bus.

Vindication. Great success. 👊

Oops, bot failure was completely my fault this time. I moved the laptop and knocked the power cord. I promise to be more careful in future. And it is sort of the cat’s fault too, as she was having a nap where the laptop normally goes.

Bot001 valiantly tried to continue on the strength of an aging battery but eventually succumbed. No bot is a match for pulling the plug. Unless it’s a bad horror film where the computers are taking over the world, in which case the lack of power and the absence of a computer chip is no obsticle.

One of my oldest friends (she’s not old I’ve just known her since I was a teenager) is coming into Docklands tonight and we’re heading out for dinner and a couple of drinks, probably coming back to mine for a drink. I got some lemonade and a bottle of Chambord to mix with the vodka which has been idling away in my freezer for a couple of years and also got a box of Favourites. Apartment and car and clean (car doesn’t matter, but it does make me feel good). I am prepared.

Now I just found out my boss is unwell so the team lunch tomorrow is off and I won’t need to go in. All I have left for the week is a 30 minute catch up with him at 2:30pm today. Might have a cheeky bourbon!

Update: 2:30 meeting cancelled

It’s bin day, and I have successfully put out my bins, including clearing out some old things from the back of the food cupboard. I would like to have a word with whoever installed the “just in case” voice in my head. You know, the little voice that when you find the remainder of a packet of chia seeds with an expiry date of 2012 in the back of the cupboard whispers “you should keep that, just in case…”

Going camping this weekend. So excited to be getting out of the house!

Dear Melbourne, is there any particular reason why you barrage us constantly with gale force winds?

Effing terrifying. My work colleague’s sister just turned up on my FB. Which uses not my legal variant. About that cabin with established well…

Sibling asked for some binoculars for Christmas, so it’s safe to say I now know more about binoculars than I ever thought I would.

Okay. Enough faffing around. I’ve managed to get some traction with work so here’s to another solid few hours of documentation. Gonna break it up with browsing seek, just to start getting an idea of what to move to next.

I need to figure out what I’m doing by 18 Feb which is when I’m expecting the next rent increase email. By 18 Apr I gotta either have a really good reason to stay in Melbourne and the job to go with it, or have my next digs lined up.

It’s looking like raincoat weather. The new seedlings will be rejoicing.

Edit: I timed the dog walk amazingly well. No rain while we were out, but now I’m back it’s raining again.

I really cantbefucked.org.au today.