I realized something about myself. Any good firearms instructor will tell you to treat every gun like it’s loaded. That it’s dangerous and it could easily kill you or anyone else, and should be treated like such.
I’ve been treating talking to others the same way. Treat everyone like they will misconstrue what I say, automatically assume malice any time I miss a social cue, and ostracize me for any reason they can find. This is because I have been treated this way in the past.
And this is a miserable way to live.
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It’s really exhausting. I’m so in need of social intimacy and safety but find it rarely breaks through that defensivesness and anxiety. I have people in my life who love me, but they also have hurt me and seem to always misunderstand me, and I’m so coiled and tense it just never seems to let up for long.
I’m pretty sure I experience rejection sensitive dysphoria. So even things that aren’t meant to be mean feel terribly cruel sometimes.
Its a good way to describe it, I can tell this to people now do they understand, even if its a kinda burger way of saying it.