CW: themes of SA

So, this all started when I was about 12 years old, if I remember correctly. That’s when the thoughts appeared.
This was way before puberty, before my egg crack, and I frankly don’t think this has anything to do with me being trans.

Back when I was still attending elementary school, I started to believe that I was a horrible person. I still believe it today.
Because I honestly believe(d) I was a horrible person, I wish something bad happened to me. Like, really bad. Probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Something that I absolutely wouldn’t wish upon anyone…

except for myself.

Ever since I learned what that word meant, something inside me changed. I started to believe that it was the ideal punishment for me, something that I and only I deserve. I started to believe that I deserved to be raped.

I want to be very clear about this. These thoughts? Having them isn’t pleasant in the slightest. I know something is deeply wrong with me. Normal people don’t have these thoughts.
I get absolutely no pleasure from thinking about this. None. This isn’t a fetish and I don’t treat it like one. Thinking about it makes me deeply uncomfortable. But I still can’t get them to leave my mind…

The thoughts never left. Sure, there are periods of time when they are less obvious and not at the front of my mind. But they’re still there, in the back of my head. And sometimes, they come out and become much, much more obvious. Like today. I can’t get them out.

As time went on and I grew up, I developed really bad social anxiety. The kind that impacts my daily life heavily. And in addition to thinking that I deserved this, that this had to happen to me…I started believing it might fix me.
I don’t leave the house very often. Not when I don’t need to. I literally can’t. I can’t breathe in public, with all the people looking at me. But…going through something that traumatic…nothing would even come close to the severity of that trauma. My anxiety would be nothing compared to it. It might actually fix me.

The thoughts aren’t even sexual. As I said, I do not get any pleasure from them. They don’t turn me on, I don’t fantasize about it. They’re deeply shameful, and I’m honestly ashamed for writing this.
Real victims deserve all the support in the world and this problem I have in my head, it’s disrespectful to all of them. To their experiences and traumas.

To me, it’s not about sex. It’s that I have these constant thoughts, this fucked up feeling that I deserve to go through this. To find myself in the wrong place, at the wrong time. To have someone take advantage of me, to force themselves on me.
To completely disregard my pain and suffering. To see and treat me like an object. To not even register me as a person. To see me as a target, weak and powerless, not a threat…

I realize how messed up this is. I really do. Still, I cannot get rid of this. Honestly, this is probably my deepest and darkest secret. Nobody knows this about me. I’m too ashamed to tell them. Too scared to tell my therapist, scared she’ll send me to an asylum as soon as I’m done talking.

So I’m posting it here. I doubt it will make me feel any better. It definitely won’t make the person reading this feel any better. To anyone who has come this far: from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I’ve tried to change the way I am. I just can’t. I’m so, so sorry.

  • gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    1·
    4 hours ago

    why do you think that you’re a bad person?

    so, i’m giving my creative interpretation here that might be spot on or might be completely wrong. judge for yourself.

    you probably live somewhere in eastern europe, going by your username and the way you write/think.

    basically, people there are often very conservative, and think that anything that goes against the conservative ideals is bad. they probably somehow subconsciously transported that thought over to you, and now you think that you’re a bad person (for not fitting the norm, not being like the other amab people). and that’s why you think that you’re a bad person.

    truth is, other people don’t always know everything, and the majority is not always right. my opinion is that most people in your country are conservative as a response to stress in their own environment (hard times makes people become conservative). and that’s why they think the way they do. but there is no law in nature (in general) that forbids twinks, femboys, trans girls, etc. in fact, this type of life probably developed because it has some merit. just that society’s not currently on that track. anyways, keep strong, stay safe, avoid unnecessary fights, and don’t let them bully you.

    • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      1·
      4 hours ago

      This is spot on. To the letter. I bet you could even name the exact country I’m from 😆.

      This could be why I believe myself to be a bad person subconsciously, however I don’t think it tells the whole story.

      As I said, this all started even before my egg crack, when I was relatively “normal”. Even though I did have unusual ideas, like shaving my legs, which the boys told me “only [my country’s equivalent of the F slur for gay men] did”. I probably wasn’t as normal as I remember now, but I definitely tried to fit into the norms.

      You’re absolutely right about the majority of things you wrote tho. I’m actually kinda surprised how accurate that is. You even used my username to come to that conclusion…damn.

      I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. My head is a mess right now.

  • southsamurai@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    2·
    17 hours ago

    Hey. That kind of intrusive thought is brutal, and I’m sorry you deal with it.

    While I’ve never experienced that thought I particular, I’ve had a few unpleasant ones over the years, and I’ve known people that have had exactly that thought. You aren’t alone in either having intrusive thoughts, or that particular one. I know that won’t make you feel better, not really, though I hope it may relieve some of the burden of feeling so much shame.

    And you shouldn’t let the shame win because it doesn’t make you a bad person. It flat out doesn’t. It just makes you human. Most people experience some intrusive thoughts throughout life (I suspect it’s very close to all people with fully functioning brains, though they might not feel a dissonance strong enough to notice it happening). Many people experience repeating extreme thoughts, and it almost always causes distress.

    Another thing I’ve had exposure to is people that pursue the intrusive thought. People that engage in what’s called “consensual non consent”, a form of very intense role play. I’ve even met people online that have tried (some successfully) to be raped. So, again, that shame you’re holding onto shouldn’t be held onto if it’s because you think you’re so uniquely “bad” for that urge. While I do strongly state that nobody should ever actually try to be raped, I don’t think anyone should feel shame or hate themselves for wanting to.

    I definitely don’t think anyone doing a controlled role play with safety measures in place should feel bad at all. It isn’t even my general opposition to kink shaming; like you said it isn’t necessarily about sex and kink, there’s a different underlying process.

    I’m not recommending that role play though. I don’t know you at all, and definitely not well enough to know if it would be helpful or harmful (it could be harmful indeed). I’m telling you about my exposure to people doing it so you know it may be rare, but it isn’t just you.

    I also agree that telling a therapist about it should be done with great care, because not all therapists are equally open to unusual intrusive thoughts and can over react. Not sending you to an involuntary psych hold over reaction unless they’re really bad at their job, but it can disrupt your overall treatment. Despite it not being sexual for you (and others I’ve talked to online), it may take finding a kink aware provider to be able to talk about this issue. I would strongly recommend that if at all possible. You deserve help navigating this issue

    So, don’t be sorry you shared this. Don’t be sorry we read it. You just did a very difficult and brave thing, showing the world that sometimes things exist inside us that can be ugly, but don’t make us bad people. You just gave anyone else experiencing this proof that they aren’t alone with it, should they run across it. And you just educated anyone that wasn’t aware that very dark intrusive thoughts can happen, and if they ever do, they will know they’re not bad people either.

    Regardless of that complicated complex of thoughts and emotions, you deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be heard. But you don’t deserve to be raped, though I know that doesn’t change the feeling

    • AnxiousMiisha@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      3·
      8 hours ago

      First of all, I would like to thank you for your kind words and for the detailed response.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one with these thoughts (am I glad tho??), however it’s still weird and uncomfortable.

      If there is one thing I know for sure tho…I absolutely have to tell my therapist about this. It’s kinda getting out of hand, and it gets really bad when I’m not in a good headspace.

      I’ll be really honest. I had an exceptionally bad day today. Like, the worst one in a long while.

      While descending into a dark spiral, I did some really bad things...

      I created a throwaway Reddit account. Found a community for NSFW content in my country.
      I then started posting about how I wanted someone in my general area to do these things to me…
      I even described my general appearance and the places I usually frequent.
      I also considered just waiting for the sun to set, dolling up as much as possible and then taking a stroll, all alone, through some questionable neighborhoods, leaving my self-defense tool behind.

      To be honest, I scared myself. I didn’t know that I would go this far to hurt myself. That I would actively put myself in harm’s way. That I would in any way act out on these thoughts…

      I feel sick just describing that. This is where the fun ends and shit gets real. I’m a possible danger to myself and it’s time to let someone know, a professional like my therapist. I’ll do that ASAP…

      I’m really sorry to anyone reading this. I’m sorry I’m the way I am. I realize how fucked up all of this is. And I swear I’m not making it up either. I really wish I was…

      I’m not right in the head. That’s for sure, at least.

      • southsamurai@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        1·
        5 hours ago

        Ouch, yeah, if you’re reaching the point of acting out for real rather than in role play, it’s worth the hassles a non kink aware therapist might give. There’s no guarantee one will overreact, so it’s all about the balance of outcome possibilities. So, yeah, the risk of what can happen if you do get assaulted is way higher than some inconvenience and stress from possibly needing to find a new therapist.

        Being real though, it may mean you do need some intensive treatment in a facility where you get daily sessions and a wider range of options are available. Even if it were involuntary, that’s still better than the worse end of possible outcomes from being sexually assaulted.

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

        Look, while you’re in the process of whatever it takes to see your therapist, if you need to, dm me and we can set up a way to talk. I have a matrix account that’s available for sure. I’m not a therapist, but sometimes having someone to just say the ugly things to can give a moment to breathe and not act on them. I stay pretty busy with the stuff in my own life, but I promise I’ll keep check and be as present as possible until you find a path through.