Your Honor, fellow litigants, bailiffs, clerks, and whatever else I can think of, I come before this court with a heavy heart and a downvote count that has now become too large to safely store indoors.

Over the last three days, @NewPerspective@lemmy.today and @NewPerspective@lemmy.world has allegedly downvoted me 27 separate times.

I have not made a pretty chart for this number. I attempted to do so, but after the seventh downvote, I became dizzy… We are therefore proceeding under the ancient legal principle of Trauma Math, in which a number becomes admissible once remembering it feels bad enough.

I have reviewed several of the comments involved.

One was a fact about bean humans.

Another may have simply been the word “yeah.”

The court finds it difficult to imagine what threat these statements posed to the Lemmy Republic.

And yet the arrows came.

Again.

And again.

And, according to my notes, at least once during supper time. That’s vulgar. Twenty-three downvotes are not an accident. Twenty-three downvotes are a pattern. And a pattern, once formally observed by this court, becomes evidence whether it wants to or not.

I therefore submit Exhibit A: https://lemvotes.org/user/NewPerspective@lemmy.today and https://lemvotes.org/user/NewPerspective@lemmy.world

Exhibit B: my hurt feelings.

Exhibit C: that damned @notwesker@lemmy.sdf.org, who may or may not be a doctor, banned me for 10 entire days and let NewPerspective walk unscathed. The horror of this confounds me. Everyone must be held accountable! I demand it!

The people, meaning me, rest their case.

The court may now panic. I will not sleep until justice has been served or until 8:30 p.m.

    • Liber Primus@lemmy.todayOPMEnglish
      28·
      1 month ago

      Since I am the judge, the jury, the bailiff, the court clerk, the appeals court, and presently the only person who has bothered to show up, I have reviewed my own evidence and find myself extremely persuasive.

      The court reached this verdict unanimously, by a vote of 1–0. The defense attempted to object, but unfortunately I am also the defense, and I overruled myself.

      The verdict: GUILTY!

      Sentencing must now begin.

      After consulting myself, and several imaginary precedents while watching reruns of Night Court, I’ve determined that there is only one reasonable punishment:

      I am hereby ordered to officially downvote every NewPerspective post I encounter, regardless of content, quality, subject matter, spelling, nutritional value, or whether I secretly agree with it.

      This is not revenge. Revenge would be improper.

      This is court-ordered reciprocal voting justice.

      It pains me deeply to impose such a sentence. I take no pleasure in it, except for the parts in which I probably will.

      I also recognize the enormous historical consequences of today’s ruling. Scholars may eventually identify this moment as the opening shot of The Great Downvote War, a conflict that could tear Lemmy apart, divide families, destroy communities, and cause at least three people to make extremely long posts about federation.

      Nevertheless, the law is the law, especially when I just invented it.

      As judge, I hereby give the sentence.

      As jury, I approve the sentence.

      As enforcement officer, I am prepared to carry out the sentence.

      As appeals court, I have reviewed my ruling and found myself correct.

      There will be no further appeals unless I change my mind.

      So say me.

      This is now Lemmy Law.