Your Honor, I regret to inform the court that we have another case.
The accused is @toebeans@thelemmy.club, a name I already find deeply troubling. I dislike toes. I love beans. Combining the two feels less like a username and more like a threat.
This may be personally aimed at me, and everyone knows that you should never, ever aim a toe at anyone unless you’re prepared to use it.
I will not burden the court with exact mathematics because the Trauma Math Department has gone home for the evening, but it does indeed come out to 9 votes in one day.
Nine is the most dangerous number because upside down it becomes a six. Which makes me think of 69. Which makes me think of what if I did the 69 position with Professor Craine, my grossly overweight teacher from college back in 1957. And that reminds me of grilled cheese sandwiches, which I love.
But now I hate them.
This is causing me much, much grief, Your Honor.
Toes. Beans. Grilled cheese sandwiches. I may have to fast after this.
What really matters is that the arrows appeared with enough regularity for me to become suspicious, wounded, and briefly interested in constitutional law.
I therefore submit Exhibit A: https://lemvotes.org/user/toebeans@thelemmy.club
Exhibit B: the name “toebeans.”
Exhibit C: my longstanding and legally relevant opposition to toes.
The people, once again meaning me, request immediate acknowledgment, a full investigation, and perhaps some sort of bean-related compensation.
We should also decide whether toes can legally own beans.
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@toebeans@thelemmy.club you got 69 seconds to respond or a verdict will be made without hearing your testimony!
The court, which is me, has reviewed the evidence of the accuser, which is also me, the toes, the beans, a YouTube video about eating grilled cheese sandwiches dipped in Pepsi and sprinkled with beans, and several legal documents that I pretended to find underneath my keyboard.
After approximately seventy seconds of deliberation, I have reached a unanimous verdict.
I hereby find the defendant, @toebeans@thelemmy.club, GUILTY!
The vote was 1–0. It would have been 2–0, but I have not yet appointed a second me. Next time, I’ll take down the mirror from above my bed and bring it over here to my desk.
Sentencing shall commence immediately.
Under the ancient doctrine of Arrow for an Arrow, the defendant is hereby sentenced to a period of retaliatory symbolic downvotes lasting not less than 69 days and not more than 69 years.
The exact duration will be determined later by the court, depending upon my mood, atmospheric pressure, and whether I ever remember that this case exists.
These downvotes shall be issued without regard to content, context, merit, spelling, or whether the defendant posts something I actually like. Such matters are irrelevant once Justice has put on her little downvote hat.
I do not enjoy imposing this sentence.
Actually, that’s not entirely true.
Nevertheless, the court must appear solemn.
Let the record show that at 10-something p.m., justice was served, beans were cleared of all wrongdoing, and toes remain under investigation.
So say me.
This is now Lemmy Law.
Look, leave that mirror where it is. Otherwise, the solipsistic narcissistic masturbation fests can not occur, and that’s all that’s keeping you from dissolving into undifferentiated wisps of nothingness.
You’re new in these parts, so I’m going to do you a favor and let this one slide.
But buddy, you are getting very, very close to the court’s last nerve with all those syllables.
Article 47.369A, Subsection 12© of Lemmy Law clearly states:
“Any person who knowingly deploys more than four consecutive multisyllabic words within the jurisdiction of this court, with intent to confuse, bewilder, educate, or otherwise make the presiding judge feel like he should have paid more attention in school, shall be guilty of Aggravated Syllabification.”
The first offense carries a warning.
The second offense carries a fine of three upvotes or a punishment of 3 downvotes.
Consider this your warning.
The court has a dictionary, and a downvote clicker.
Do not make me use them.
Me talk bad. Me sorry for big word
You’re hired.
By the powers invested in me by Her Majesty’s Most Questionably Supreme and Perpetually Confused High Court of Lemmy, Federated Arrows, Petty Grievances, Procedural Nonsense, Hurt Feelings, and All Other Matters Which I Personally Decide Are Somehow Our Business, I hereby proclaim you:
Temporary Acting Deputy Grand Clerk of the Court, Keeper of the Sacred Downvote Ledger, Recorder of Suspicious Syllables, and Assistant Custodian.
Your term shall last exactly 37 days.
During this time, you are authorized to:
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nod seriously at post in this community,
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say “let the record show” whenever the mood strikes,
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wonder what you could be doing with your life other than spending so much time on Lemmy,
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object to things despite having no authority to object, simply because you have a feeling,
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and refuse to agree with anyone on Lemmy who refers to it as “the ’verse.”
At the conclusion of 37 days, your office shall automatically dissolve, your pension shall be revoked before it begins, and all knowledge of court procedure must be surrendered back to the state.
Congratulations and welcome aboard. Some day you may inherit all of this wealth from me.
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NOTICE OF IMMEDIATE TERMINATION
It has come to the attention of the Court that you may have, at least once in your life, referred to “weed” as “pot.” I have no proof but I have a feeling that you are that kind of fellow. And believe you me, I know a little about Samurai from the South. I thought your name was “southsalami.” It is not.
I wish I had known this 37 seconds ago.
Effective immediately, your appointment as Temporary Acting Deputy Grand Clerk of the Court, Keeper of the Sacred Downvote Ledger, Recorder of Suspicious Syllables, and Assistant Custodian is hereby REVOKED.
The Court cannot, in good conscience, employ someone who looks at weed, isn’t talking about southern salami, and has ever thought to call it “pot.”
Pot is something you cook spaghetti in.
Pot is where soup goes.
We simply cannot move forward with your employment.
There is no appeal.
Well, technically there is, but I am the appeals court too, and I already said no.
Thank you for your service.
You are fired.
