Hii
Not necessarily related to Autism, but I am pretty bad at handling conflict. I avoid it as much as I can. If I get angry at someone, I don’t really assert boundaries, or I don’t express my discomfort with something. When I do “enter” conflict… it depends. But if there is anger in the other person, I tend to shake and have a lot of trouble keeping up with the argument while also regulating my exploding emotions (suppressing crying).
I want to try to get better. When I was in a relationship, I never brought up things that annoyed me. I did once actually, but it went bad. I cried, and they cried. I guess the argument turned out okish in the end, but it was very very stressful.
My ex was conflict averse like me, but for future relationships (and of course friendships) that may not be the case, and I will have to try and manage arguing in a healthy way. If the other person hates conflict aswell, that is probably a bigger issue actually.
One argument I was happy with, was an argument with my mum (who is a pretty safe person however). I kept reiterating that I respected how she felt, and also asserted how I felt. However I still got super emotional and had to walk into my bedroom (we reconvened / resolved it later). That sounds ok to me!? So I can do it. But again, that’s with someone who is safe.
I do also think one “issue” (I don’t view it as an issue tbh) is I absorb emotions of other people really easily. This is normally actually something I love since I can empathise with them, but it does mean in an argument if they become dis regulated, so do I.
Does anyone else have similar issues? How do you handle it? Especially in relationships.
Thanks :3
Ooof, this is a hard one. I am so, so, so conflict adverse. I don’t feel like I can have normal conflict with most people because they put words in my mouth, tell me I think certain things etc. Making incorrect assumptions about me is the #1 thing someone can do to set me off 😅
It took several years of being married, but we finally figured out conflict lol. You mention being able to have conflict with a safe person (your mom) but I still want to say a few things about that:
- I don’t bring up something that upsets me in the moment it’s happening, unless it’s something we’ve talked about before and I want to be like “it’s happening now!” This is because I can’t give helpful info about what I’m feeling at that moment. I might have to say something like, “I am very upset but I can’t talk about this right now, let’s come back to it” if I’m visibly upset and my partner is confused/concerned.
- Conflicts are never me vs him, it’s us vs the problem. The problem might be that he has a behavior that hurts my feelings, but it comes with the assumption that he’s not doing it on purpose. More than likely, we both need to change the way we are doing something to stop the situation that is causing me upset. This assumes a healthy, respectful relationship. Abuse is never your fault.
- We pick our battles. Is it a minor annoyance? Can you let it go? If you honestly can’t then you should address it. But as an example for me, I’ve learned to let go of being pissed about a certain cupboard door being left open. Nothing bad will happen if it is open. No one will hit their head. Nothing will get into the cupboard. If he’s left it open, he’s probably tired. I can just close it and give him that grace, just like he does for me.
- When we want to bring something up, we ask permission to enter that kind of conversation. It takes attention and some level of emotional regulation, and it’s not something you can half ass or do while multitasking. We also clearly end the conversation or we will go in forever. We’re both neurodivergent so we will just keep going, branching off to other topics trying to understand each other deeply, etc. We give each other permission to take a break or come back another day. Again, it will not do us any good if one or both of us are overstimulated/tired/etc.
With other people it’s harder. The “us against the problem” advice is still important. However, if you don’t think the other person can see that way, you might need to ask yourself if you need to raise your issue with them or be more strategic in doing so.
I will ask myself about the relationship and what level of care I owe them and what level of care I can expect from them. Sometimes people just want to be heard so they will unload on you and that’s the end of it. Other times people will want what you can’t give them or don’t owe them, and that one is way harder for me. I have a hard time not taking on their emotions, or taking accusations of not caring or being lazy personally. At that point I usually just have to tell myself that I can’t control how they see me or how they feel. If I’m doing everything I can to be respectful and they are just mad at me because, for example, they think my job should be X but it is Y, then there is nothing I can do about it other than being like, 'Sorry this isn’t something I can help you with".
Some people will try their hardest to make their feelings your problem even when they certainly are not. I have found it is when they lack agency or are just so worn down they don’t know what else to do. We can give them grace, but we can’t do the impossible, which is please everyone.
Tl;Dr: conflict sucks, it gets easier with practice, and it’s helpful to focus on what you can control which includes deciding when and how you raise issues.
Thanks for the advice!!
Conflicts are never me vs him, it’s us vs the problem.
Never really viewed it like that! I can see how that changes things.
When we want to bring something up, we ask permission to enter that kind of conversation.
Yeah I have trouble managing conflicts when I am not in the right space, and focused.
I have similar issues. Two books I can recommend that helped me with this:
- Nonviolent Communication - helped me deal with my emotions in an interpersonal relationships sort of context
- Crucial Conversations - helped me in more of a work/business context
I’m reading Nonviolent Communication with my wife, rn, as we work through some difficult issues.
I’m pretty good at regulating my emotions, but that took a long time to learn on my own path… she is just now trying to take on that challenge and grow her emotional maturity to become more like the person she wants to be.
It’s an insightful book, and I find that I’m taking new perspective from it as well.
Get an app for it too, like that helps with the 4 step process (1 Observations, 2 Feelings, 3 Needs, 4 Requests), it really helps with putting it into practice, with the benefit you carry from having read and developed understanding of the theory behind it
Preferably that has a log of previous entries so you can go back and review or work off previous situations.
NVC is great stuff, it cant really be wrong because if you both commit, it requires listening to each other and making the quiet or invisible parts explicit. The only problem is it may surface non-negotiables or needs that cant or wont be met by either person so hopefully that doesnt end up being the case
Nonviolent Communication is really powerful in giving a procedure and structure to handling conflict in conversation. I am am greatful for discovering it.
I listened to the audiobook narrated by Marshall Rosenberg. I find that hearing the author’s own emphasis and pacing of their words helpful in digesting the ideas.
I also recommend Oren Jay Sofer & Joseph Goldstein’s Say What You Mean. It has some very practical tips that helped me bring more mindfulness into my conversations.
I should really revisit both of these books.
I wish more humans were conflict averse but most of our race is still too close chimp.
in my understanding, your meaning is that ppl ought to sort out differences with calm communication, and avoid having any kind of aggression in those situations. emotion generally, OK and good. aggression particularly, no, bad.
this is what i believe too. just had to clarify, since “conflict” is sometimes used for the state of having differences in the first place.
Yuh same. But thats how it be :/
