The anal air pistol is a very real phenomenon and has produced the smoothest shits of my life. It’s a maglev, suspending your every log and nugget upon decadently luxurious tufts of air. I’m convinced it never even touches my colon based on the sheer level of comfort.

I’ve tried desperately to replicate it, everything from binging cabbage to kegal sealing my rectum to offer my body as a pressurized flesh methane tank, but it’s vexingly difficult to perfect. It is my brown whale.