CrookedSerpent [she/her]

  • 3 Posts
  • 63 Comments
Joined 4 years ago
Cake day: October 22nd, 2020
  • CrookedSerpent [she/her]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the week of September 16th to 23rd, 2024/Unjust Depths unofficial promotionEnglish
    7·
    43 minutes ago

    I touched on this in another thread but wanted to share here.

    CW: controversial? Musings on my own personal experience of being trans by happenstance

    Unlike most trans people I’ve met, I am of the belief that I am here now, living life as a stealth trans woman, as a direct result of my environment, not because of some internal gender that was always there. I am convinced that if I wasn’t relentlessly bullied, harassed, degraded, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child (due mostly to racism and homophobia) I would not have even thought to transition. I feel as if I consciously decided to become a woman at my lowest point, 4 years ago, simply as a way to kill the broken, unloved and unlovable husk of a person with no childhood, and no hope for the future and become someone, anyone, else. I dipped my toes in the water of experimenting with my presentation, and I was surprised by how easily I was able to pass, which only fueled my desire to transition solely as a way to save my life, which simply could not have continued as the broken “man” I was. I was on the brink but I saw a way out.

    I started doing everything in my power to dress fasionably and femininely, went crazy hard on voice training, researched all I could on DIY hrt and how to source it, in an effort to pass at all costs. It was working shockingly well, and in a few months, long before I had even self identified as a women, I was passing as a women, very consistently, and for the first time in my life, I was able to be okay. I was able to feel confident in myself, express myself, not hate everything about me, because I wasn’t me anymore, I wasnt that broken THING I left behind, I could start over, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Living this way, passing as a woman while still secretly identifying as a man in my own head, slowly but surely over the course of a year, my internal gender literally changed into that of a woman, and one day, I actually, truly belived it with every fiber of my being, long after the world arround me did. It’s funny looking back, and a bit embarrassing, but after all that, 4 years later I am more sure that I am a woman than literally anything else about me, despite my recollection of events, and am positive that transitioning not only saved my life, but finally allowed me to enjoy it. However, I am almost positive that had my childhood been full of love, acceptance, and happiness, I would have never even considered transitioning. It very well could be the case that I am simply rationalizing away my “inherent transness” but that’s just my current take on it. Anayws, just felt like I wanted to get that off my chest and maybe hear the thoughts of other trans people on that whole ordeal…

  • CrookedSerpent [she/her]@hexbear.netto> Greentext@lemmy.ml•Supportive dadEnglish
    2·
    2 hours ago

    I guess I am rather unique in my experience of transness in that I started living full time (and even passing) as a woman before I even self identified as one. The thing is, lifing as a women for aabout a year literally changed my internal sence of gender, I wanted it to happen and I made it happen. Maybe that’s just me rationalizing my inherent “transness” but that’s my recollection of events.

  • CrookedSerpent [she/her]@hexbear.netto> Greentext@lemmy.ml•Supportive dadEnglish
    3·
    2 hours ago

    I’m somebody who absolutely does think I am trans purely by life circumstances, but I also recognize that the vast majority of trans people aren’t. Like I am incredibly glad that I transitioned and am now living life mostly stealth as a woman, years down the line, but I’m almost positive that if I wasn’t put through literal hell as a child (in the very cruel and specific ways that I was) I wouldn’t have even thought to have transitioned as a young adult. Perhaps I am completely incorrect in my assumptions about myself, and I would have turned out this way no matter what, but I find it hard to believe that if I wasn’t relentlessly bullied, harassed, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child, that I would be sitting here now as a woman. I feel like I literally became a woman by sheer force of will in order to save my life, because I literally could not continue as the broken husk of a “man” I was at 21, and by some miracle it worked. But maybe I’m just delusional, idk