Fuck America.

Basically the only thing I ever did wrong is really, really miss them. I lost them because of mistakes and misunderstandings and my own stupidity, and I’d give anything to have them back, and that’s “creepy” and “stalkerish.”

They were the coolest person I’ve ever met, and I haven’t met a single person since who comes even close. Everyone else is so disinteresting—I’m supposed to shrug and go “Oh well” and find someone else. They’re the only person I’ve ever cried over and the only person who makes me smile when I think of them—and that’s just a figment of my imagination.

How do you think it affects my mental health when I get called creepy and insane if I dare talk to anyone other than a therapist about this?

I don’t get WiFi at the new spot where my friend is paying me to watch his shit, and it’s pissing me off.

He is also routinely staying up for too long and then conking the fuck out randomly and it’s annoying as fuck. His girlfriend called like 8 times and I couldn’t get him to fucking wake up. And now I have a friend who really needs his help and he’s asleep again. He was supposed to grab something for me and he fucked that off.

I like him. He’s closer than I’ve ever thought I could find to my ex-friend, in the sense of being a drug user who isn’t a disgusting piece of shit. But sometimes I kinda hate him.

Also someone SWAT’d me yesterday. Or tried to trololol.

I’m watching a friend’s van while he’s staying indoors temporarily. He’s actually paying me in cash (and other things) and I basically get room and board in the form of a cabin-style tent next to the van.

But this cushy deal might be ending in a few days. Sadface.

OK.

My ex friend is obsessed with Legend of Zelda. :(

Alright, I’m joining the Taliban.

I don’t. I typically don’t have dreams at all most nights because of all the stimulants I abuse (I’ll sleep but not experience REM sleep or something).

I’ve read (Reddit comments and shit, never any “official” or scientific source) about people having dreams like this, where they’re so organic and detailed and seem to last long spans of time; AFAIK there isn’t a term for it and I wish there were/hope there is.

Way better, but that’s because there’s nothing sloshing around in there.

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Fucking HELL I need to charge my headphones.

I’ve always wondered about that: what it’s like to be selected as a juror for a case that’s fucked up/gruesome/traumatizing.

I groundscored a couple days’ worth of someone’s prescription contact lenses and holy shit having never put contacts on before it was a fucking weird experience, like touching the face of God but it’s my eyeball.

Funded!

Today I started going to this lunch thing that’s currently being hosted at a Quaker church. The food was actually pretty good.

Please help me.

Low hanging fruit: “Lol,” “I don’t care,” etc.

Higher-order stuff I call out directly: “I know you don’t actually give a shit about [x y z],” “You’re trying to gaslight,” etc.

So yesterday I saw a ghost (not literally, of course): not my ex-friend, the one I’ll always remember, the one I was posting about a lot. Not them, but their on and off roommate of 7 years, their de facto best friend who I referred to in private as their “platonic boyfriend.” The one I said I was so jealous of.

I was at the park. He came up and said hi (which is maybe a bit unusual because of how extremely shy he is—he used more words in that moment than I’ve heard him say the entire time I’ve known him).

It was like all the shit with our (formerly) mutual friend had never happened. It’s entirely possible he has absolutely no idea. They said they hadn’t told him about any of it, when I asked just before the three of us went to Radical Pride, but that was a year ago.

He had recently moved out, into an apartment. It’s probable they still aren’t roommates.

I feel like him and I would get along really well under other circumstances. But with things as they were, I mumbled “Hi” or something, turned away to watch for the bus, realized he might also have been waiting for the bus, then ran away.

There was just no winning move there except to not play.

What’s kind of funny about this is, they have been creeping back into my life recently—reaching out to my friend, ostensibly about business-related matters. Him and I were fighting when shit went down with them, so I wonder if they know/remember the connection there.