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3 小时前“HoW tAlL aRe YoU?” being an acceptable way of greeting me for the first time is wild. I hate it. Like, I dont even get catcalled really, just people see me and ask me how tall I am 
lilypad [pup/pup's, it/its]
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Joined 2 年前
Cake day: 2023年10月26日
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being tall is nice sometimes, but just, could people please be normal about it? “Wow ur so tall” like yea tell me something I haven’t been being told literally since I was like 5.
I never explicitly updated here (or I did and forgot? I’ve been really confronting memory issues lately…). But. I have a job. I can’t say what it is cause its kinda niche, but I’m supporting social workers, and its really nice. I’m doing something socially productive. And I’m kinda proud? I can go to work and know that I’m a thread of sticky fiber behind a gauze pad on a bandaid stretched too thin across a gaping shotgun wound. But I’m a part of that bandaid. I’m doing things that help people (well, I’m doing things that help people help people). I’m tired and happy. I like my coworkers. I’m getting treated kinda like I’m nongendered by them which sucks. But. They’re chill. And. I can deal with that for work. And they’re super supportive. I’m relieved. I’m not gonna starve. I’m not gonna live out of my car. I’m kinda sorta safe.
4·3 天前possibly not super helpful, trying to relate and talk about some of it, but idk I'm not the most put together entity myself.
Hey, fwiw I used to self medicate with pot every day. A bowl or three in the morning to wake up, then constantly throughout the day. Also used to drink when pot wasn’t available. I was running away from gendershit. But also I’m autistic and ADHD and get overwhelmed easily. My life has gotten a lot better since I got on stimulant medication. It is literally the thing that makes me functional.
dials the world down from an 11 to a 6
This is going to sound counterintuitive and may not be applicable to you, cause I’m dealing with adhd, but stimulants make me less overstimulated, in a weird counterintuitive way.
I don’t know what my own fucking interests are. I’ve recently finally gotten to a place where I can actually afford to be alive, and now I just don’t know who the fuck I am.
Pick an interest. Literally anything. You don’t have to be interested in it even. Mildly enjoy being in nature? Start researching trails around you and try to go for hikes. Enjoy making things? Find something useful to make and make it. Hell make duct tape wallets and embrace inner child stuff! Or make jewelry, or take up clothing repair and patching. Remember that something bringing you joy means it has use, its use might not be the finished product, its use might be that you enjoy the process of it, so the joy is the use cause you deserve that joy. I can’t stress enough it doesn’t matter if you’re “interested” in a thing. If it makes you a little bit happy, or if its something you think is cool, do it!
The other day I stood there for like three minutes while a manager had a conversation with another vendor and I just stood there awkwardly.
This is me… Literally. This is me.
therapy
I mean, therapy can be helpful for stuff like people pleasing, but it won’t make the world better for autistic people. It just makes us able to address it better and gives us more tools to work around it.
Also, do these things normally get worse as you get older. I believe I mask extremely well, but is there a point where things fall apart. Or am I just more aware of the things that make me feel this way.
The more I de-mask, the harder it is to mask. The more aware I am of how I’m masking, the more difficult it becomes. Its really hard. And I try so hard to be normal. This makes total sense to me that as you get older it gets harder. Idk if its true, but it makes sense to me.
I will say: ceasing all regular drug use besides what has been readily identified to help (stimulants, a2 agonists, and hrt) has really helped me. Pot helps, but it also hurts me and makes me anxious and paranoid. Alcohol is fun, but it makes it hard to function. Etc. Using them now and again is fine for me. but needing to drink before walking out the door, or smoke a bowl before doing anything, it didn’t make me better, it hid the bits that were broken and painful. It hid them and they got worse in their solitude. That’s just me tho, idk if that’s what’s going on for you.
22·3 天前Kernel Space Program
Thankyouuu! Its a lot. I didn’t have health insurance for a long long time, and then I got it like what a year ago? and all of a sudden I could get things like meds, and evals, and then the prospect of losing it… I just got access to meds like 6 months ago. I was crying at the end of the phone call (happy tears) cause it meant so much. Also my work is really cool but a lot (can’t say what I do cause doxxing myself is bad, but its work supporting social workers and Im proud of what I’m doing)
I hope navigating it is going ok for you, its really hard and NGL I cry most times I have to deal with this shit. Its overwhelming and exhausting.
I called them, and I get to deny the health insurance I’ve been offered because it sucks so much! I’m really happy! As long as I stay on poverty wages I can keep my insurance!
I’m gonna call the insurance people after work. I’m just. I’m just angry and scared. I might have a coinsurance thing. But to avoid nasty surprises I think I need to cancel therapy, and maybe other stuff, until this gets figured out… Ugh I hate this.
Its cruel. I got healthcare like a year ago for the first time since I was a kid. Now I’m just… Idek what to do here. Its still more money coming in, which I need for like rent and food, but there’s also all these questions about whether new doctors will be transphobic, etc, which scares the shit out of me. If they try to menopause me or detransition me or smth… Idk. And like, I possibly have eds, and they’ve tried to deny me gender affirming care in the past just because I mentioned that my [non direct family relation redacted] has it. I’m just. I’m scared. I’m probably gonna lose my entire care team, the insurance I’m getting switched to is gonna be way more finicky, and every trans person I’ve talked to says they suck and require more stuff and more hoops and all of that. I’m just… I’m scared. I hate this. I want off Mr bones wild ride
spoiler
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I might lose my health insurance, because I’m offered other health insurance, and I’m probs gonna lose my whole care team, have to pay more for meds ($150/mo), pay more for doctors visits ($30-$50), pay more for “specialist care” (I dont even know how much, and that’s assuming they’re in network), pay more for everything, all while making roughly 1500/month. Gender care, 200/mo at best, mental health, 200-400/mo, doctor visits, 100/mo. So I’m going from making 0/mo to 1500/mo, and now I have to spend $700/mo or so on healthcare. That’s not even counting surgeries!! I’m gonna have so little left over, I dont know what to even do here.
Why do I have to do this? Because I got a job and am no longer unemployed. If my employer didn’t offer me healthcare this wouldn’t be an issue, but they are so I’m getting kicked off the thing I was on that let me do all this for free/minimal cost.
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Putting another one in the “yeah I actually do have to mask super heavy, wear the right clothes, do the correct makeup, and make the right impression off the bat” box. That box is getting really heavy.
Got to see a friend for a few days I hadn’t seen before! It was really fun, even if I was fucking exhausted cause I have a job now (oh yeah I have a job now I never thought it would happen and I’m fucking relieved and ugh life is good) and didn’t have energy to do all the things I wanted to and show her around town. But I had a good time! And we ate good food! And we did nerdshit which was really fun ^^
re: re:
Its totally understandable to need a break and be away from everything! Tbh I’ve been considering purging this account and leaving for a while. And yeah, there’s a reason therapy is scheduled at the end of my day lol, the traumatalk takes so much. I’m glad youre finally getting to take these steps! Its wonderful to know yor still here, and idk just I’m happy to see you getting care
I hope you’re doing well
I’m doing a lot better than I was a year or two ago. I have a bit more stability in my life, I’m on the right meds instead of ones that make me fall apart (and then made me just-this-side-of-psychotic when I went off them), I have income, and things are looking as up as they can (given the circumstances)
spoiler
I’m so happy you’re finding people who will work with you to do what you want and need!!
its hard to talk about trauma and dysphoria and life story stuff, u did good getting thru it. I get embarrassed with crying unless its a vulnerable place, and so I tend to just shut my mouth and say nothing.There was another user on here a while back who was in a similar situation, and idk if ur the same user but if u are I’m so happy to see you doing better
I’m really glad you didn’t kill yourself
Null hypothecis strikes again. Your dedication to cis-by-default-unless-proven-otherwise-by-overwhelming-evidence is fucked up. To transphobes, no evidence will ever be enough, why carry water for them?
Its never too late to start the day over,
Its never too late to start the week over,
To start the month, the year, the life over.
Its never to late to exist,
And its never too late to feel joy.
my own process (cw transphobia)
The grief won’t go away (at least, I dont think it will for me) but I can make peace with it. When I saw the film I couldn’t talk afterwards. Just cried silently for a few hours. I had never understood that grief in the tangible way that film brought it out in me. I started later than I wanted. I was ready for hormones at 22/23. I started at 26. I knew as a kid. I wanted it forever. And I pushed it away.
sadness... (Same cw)
I wanted to be like my girl friends so bad. One came out as a lesbian when I was in 7th grade. I was so envious, I knew I liked women, but I also wanted to be a woman. She got to just exist like that. I had to be in that body, betrayed and betrayed day after day by the steady march of time. I didn’t have the words. I just knew that it was wrong to feel that way and that it made me a sexual predator (thank you family, friends, feminist middle school, ace Ventura et al, etc.). So I pushed it away. I didn’t want to hurt no one, and me existing hurt people.
5·19 天前I was about to read it, is it not worth it?
8·22 天前Thank you! Finally someone gets it!
I’ll start ddossing other repos, either directly, or by gumming up their devs with many ai agents making PRs that look ok but actually break things. Then everyone will switch to my
shittybeautiful repl&terminal based api bindings! Oh you’re having issues? No there isn’t auto complete, tab inserts a literal tab. What do you mean “left and right arrows insert weird letters”? Just use backspace to delete your problems. Stop asking silly questions. What you want actual line wrapping? Sorry, I didn’t want external dependencies so I clean roomed readline, but its only version 0.0.6, so there’s still some kinks to work out and it doesn’t actually do anything yet. Wait what do you mean “how do I view a post”? You call get-post with the post ID you want, then call the post-view reader function on the response object, then call the post reader function on the post view object, then call the body reader function on the post object. And ensure the post actually has a body, calling body reader on a post without a body is undefined behavior. Oh and be sure to check that its not an error response object first, or you’ll crash the client and lose your jwt token and have to redo everything.serious
I did this from memory so the object nesting may be wrong. Iirc a get request to /post returns the post wrapped in a post view wrapped in a get post response, but I could be wrong.
Happened while I was walking to my workplace last week. Shitsucks. Yes random man, I am at your beck and call :eyeroll: