I keep wondering why he cheated when he had me, someone who genuinely loved him, was loyal to him, and wanted a future with him. What was missing? Why wasn’t my love enough for him? I compare myself to the girls he talked to and keep questioning my worth. Even after 32 days of no contact, I still miss him and sometimes want to try again. How do I stop blaming myself and understand that his choices don’t define my worth?
He told me we were incompatible and that I should leave him after I confronted him about cheating. Was I really incompatible with him, or was he just looking for a reason to leave?
I was completely devoted to him and genuinely loved him. I thought he was my everything because there were days when he showed me genuine care and made me feel loved. But he also threatened to break up with me four times. Every time he became distant, I got scared that he would leave again, so I kept questioning his commitment. I would beg him not to leave, and he would eventually reassure me by saying I was his choice. But he also told me he could change his choice anytime and that I was his zero priority.
He blamed me for having trust issues and being emotionally dependent on him, and I know I became anxious and needed reassurance. But those repeated breakup threats affected me, too.
Things got worse when I came across his ChatGPT history and found him asking how to impress girls. I also found out he had said he urgently needed sex because his friends regularly brought girls over to have fun in the next room. It completely shattered my trust. I was genuinely committed to him, and discovering these things broke me.
I’m struggling to understand how someone who made me feel so loved sometimes could also make me feel so replaceable. Right now, I’m just trying to get through each day and learn how to live without someone I thought was my future.
Thank you for taking the time to explain things to me and listen to my story. I really appreciate your patience and the way you helped me understand my situation better. your conversation genuinely means a lot to me.
He was the one who proposed to me first, telling me how much he loved me, and I accepted his proposal. Everything was going smoothly. Then, after his birthday, he told me he was feeling emotionally drained and wanted to break up with me. This was the first time I pleaded and begged him to stay. The next day, he agreed to stay, and things became lovey-dovey again.
The second time, he said he couldn’t commit to me because of his family. I cried and begged him to stay, but eventually, I accepted the situation. After that, we took some space, and a month later, he came back and confessed his love for me again. He said he wanted to commit to me and spend his whole life with me.
After that, everything was going fine again. The third breakup happened when he said he was exhausted and was the kind of person who couldn’t feel love every day. He said I was too emotional, needed reassurance, and was emotionally dependent on him. But the main reason I kept asking for reassurance was that he had already threatened to leave me twice. I was afraid he would leave again because he had already done it before.
As for emotional dependency, he was the kind of person who could spend an entire day alone without texting or calling me. Whenever we talked, i was usually the one who initiated the conversation.
The fourth breakup happened when he was talking to other girls. Everything seemed fine, but I noticed that he was becoming distant. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, so I asked him what was going on and how he was feeling. He then told me he wanted to break up because I seemed like AI, we lived far away from each other, and he needed an emotional connection. He wanted a girl he could hug and someone who could be physically closer to him.
I asked him if he was talking to someone else or wanted to date someone who lived closer to him. I told him that if that was the case, he could be honest with me.
Then I remembered something he had once told me that whenever he wanted to leave, he would come back to me like a boomerang. He had also told me that I didn’t have an ego, that I always tried to stop him from leaving because I was a good person, and that he loved me.
So, once again, I tried to stop him from leaving. The next day, he agreed to stay, and he sent me another lovey dovey message. He said he saw a future with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted to become a better person for me. He even called me his emotional anchor and said I had brought him out of darkness. He said I was the kind of girl he could see himself spending his life with.
Everything seemed fine again. Then he came to meet me, and while scrolling through his phone, I came across his ChatGPT history. I found things that made me realise he had been exploring other girls and sexual possibilities.
When I confronted him about it, he said, Now you have a valid reason to leave me. You can leave me. He also said he no longer had any feelings for me and that he was emotionally drained.
It was the same person who, just a few minutes earlier, had been telling me that he loved me. But after I confronted him about what I had found, he suddenly said he didn’t love me anymore and told me I could leave him. If he genuinely wanted to break up with me, why didn’t he just end things clearly and let me move on? Instead, whenever he wanted to leave, I would plead with him to stay, and he would eventually come back, reassure me, and make promises about our future. Yes, I begged him because I loved him and was terrified of losing him, but he also chose to stay and give me those assurances. Now I keep wondering why he kept coming back and telling me he loved me if he no longer wanted this relationship. Why did he make me believe in a future with him when his actions were making me question everything? I genuinely loved him and trusted his promises, and now I’m left trying to understand what was real and why he treated me this way.
I read a book recently, and maybe it’s something you’ll want to look into, called Attached: The New Sciene of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. What you described about him in your comment reminds me of the Avoidant type of personality who goes back and forth like he does. There’s also Secure and Anxious types too. Here’s a link to the Internet Archive for a free PDF copy if you want to check it out right now https://ia800508.us.archive.org/20/items/AttachementTheory/Amir_Levine%2C_Rachel_Heller-Attached__The_New_Science_of_Adult_Attachment_and_How_It_Can_Help_You_Find_–_and_Keep_–_Love__-Penguin_Group_USA_(2010)[1].pdf I used this for a while before buying a physical copy.
I think the book may help you for the future in detecting this type of personality trait so you are less likely to get deeply involved with someone like this again. The book also helps you discover what type you are and how to manage what you feel and learn about who you’re most compatible with as well as helping to explain some of the things you feel.
It may also give some insight into what was going on for him and help make some sense of the confusion you’re feeling about the relationship and why things didn’t work out. It sounds like in all this, you go back and forth not knowing why he did this or why he reacted that way, but hopefully this could help shed some light and give you some insight to help move on.
You sound like you had a lot of genuine love you gave to him and he just wasn’t present for it in the way you needed him to be.
I’m sorry it’s hurting as much as it does for you right now.
I loved him so much. I stayed awake when he was sick, cried when he was sad, and shared all his pain. But he eventually said we were incompatible and left me. Now I keep wondering if our breakup was my fault. If I had been less emotionally dependent and given him more space, would he have stayed and been faithful, or am I just blaming myself for his choices?
What do you think…thanks for recommending the book! I’ll definitely give it a read.