That’s about it. So much has gone wrong in my life in the past month, it feels like nothing is right anymore. It’s getting hard to even care enough to get up. I cut my hand again. I’m living with someone I feel nothing for. My body is all wrong and I can’t fix it…
I’m switching between nearly deleting my account or just jumping. I’ve been here long enough. Stuff just won’t get better.
It was foolish of me. Thinking I could ever be anything but a man. I believed it for a brief, lovely moment. But it’s time to put these thoughts to rest. I’ll never be anything else but a man.
Seeing lovely cis people going on with their lives while I struggle with even being me, that hurts. It hurts so much that every trip outside is torture to me. I don’t know why I keep thinking that will change, it won’t.
I should have done it, back then, at 16. Back then, it was already too late with what puberty had done. I shouldn’t have lived past 18. And so, I’m correcting this mistake. Today will probably be my last day. About damn time…
Goodbye Lemmy! You were amazing. Patient with me, always supportive. Too bad I was such a failure to be grateful for any of it…
This is farewell.
Edit: Police was here. First time. Hmm. I guess I should start with some food, I feel awful. I think BPD is spot on, actually, but the intervals are weird. It’s months and the depression phase doesn’t last as long (thank god). Definitely hypomania, not mania as well. I’ll get help. Thank you all, I don’t even fucking deserve this much care and support 💜
Edit2: I really, honestly, truly hate myself. For starting HRT so late. For being so ugly and masculine. For being so weak…not even being able to end it, despite wanting nothing more but peace and everlasting silence. I’m not a girl. I can’t be a girl. I’m an insult to all women, I’ll never pass, I’m freakishly ugly, masculine and just plain fucked…I’ll probably regret this, but I guess I’m alive for now.
Hey, hold on a moment!
Our world is really hard to live in. Even harder if you don’t fit into an easy-to-accept mold. Being attractive, having the same cookie cutter-beliefs as others, all that stuff. But today is just one day. You’re feeling as low as you’ve felt in a long time, I am guessing. You won’t always feel this way. Your life still has times of joy and love available in it. And if you were to take your own life, you would probably very much regret it as you were dying.
I had cancer a while back. I have experienced a lot of depression, disappointment, and heartache as well, and before that, I felt similar to the way you are. It didn’t make sense to keep going. And I sometimes contemplated doing the same thing.
After that diagnosis, I found myself being so incredibly sad that my life might soon be over. There were things that right now one would perceive as small and meaningless that became moments that brought me to tears. A simple drive down the highway with my partner was one of the biggest ones. Just an evening drive back home, the same drive we’d made hundreds if not thousands of times.
Life has changed for me since then. I know now that suicide is never going to be a solution for me. And that has been a gift of an experience that I hope I can pass to you.
It’s hard out there. Be kind to yourself and to others.
I’m…really sorry to hear that. I’m glad you here and I really hope you stay for as long as possible. Thank you so much 💜