It’s weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it’s over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn’t want to. I’m trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I’m avoiding people because I’m scared of interacting and getting it wrong.
I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I’m pushing people away, I’m avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don’t assert myself at all. I’m afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.
But I know I’m hitting a wall and that’s from me not being assertive.
How do you know when you’re doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I’m saying might be something they don’t want to hear.
What helps you know when you’re being appropriately assertive?
Is this work related? Like saying or going along with things you didn’t want to?
I guess it depends on situation, but in personal situations, there’s the good old “I’m not comfortable with that, sorry”. If they are not willing to respect your discomfort, you shouldn’t have to respect theirs.
In work situations the same should apply, but not everyone is in a position to risk losing their jobs, so it gets more… professional. You’d have to assess your relationships, leverages, and the power dynamics to find the best strategy. But it comes with practice, conversation and reviewing, to get you experienced with other people.
If anything, it’s worth remembering that everyone is just people. Afraid, struggling and just doing their best from what they got. Usually willing to support each other in the struggle. :)
It’s at work, but in general I end up being too accommodating and willing to nod and smile through interactions to avoid friction.
I appreciate the feedback. I think I’m too good at avoiding conflict but I want to give people a chance to be people.