I am looking for information and anecdotes about children that are about 20 months old and their tendency to throw tantrums.
My nephew has started to become belligerent when it comes to throwing tantrums. For example, he gets a hold of something that we would not like him to hold, then refuse to give it back. Usually we would try to distract him with some other attractive object and sneak the former object while he is not looking. If we even try to gently wrest the object from his grasp, he starts crying really badly. Like really badly. It is a bit terrifying.
Part of me thinks that this behaviour is learnt. He must have noticed this strategy working for him in the past so he has begun to do it more.
On the other hand, children do be throwing tantrums. I also don’t want to baselessly entertain the notion of stricter parenting. As a cold, heartless individual I try to be skeptical of approaches like this to counterbalance my biases.
Thoughts and experiences?
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Terrible twos behavior. Of course it could be many things, though.
Generally speaking if everything is otherwise okay at home then they will benefit from consistency and explanations. Assuming there’s good reason for them not to have something, it should be removed from them, the reason explained, and then they should be allowed to cry about it, possibly in a separate room. Kids don’t know how to fully process their emotions but they will adapt over time to “can’t have that thing I want” (most of the time).
It is possible that it is a learned behavior. When parents capitulate for bad reasons they teach the kid that getting upset is rewarded with the item.
It’s really really hard to say anything definitive from afar. Kids may display “inappropriate” behaviors that are actually reasonable for their age, or they might be a learned bad behavior, it might be that they are neurodivergent in some way that should be accommodated, or, sometimes, they mean the kid is facing some form of abuse and is acting up because of it. It’s very very difficult to give concrete suggestions with confidence from so far away.
He is too young to be explained anything. Still can only speak bisyllabic words.
Sometimes kids can pick up on tone and emotional content as well. Obviously in no way perfectly but the exercise really can work even if they don’t understand the words.
Also don’t sleep on distraction. It works fantastically well on a lot of kids. Kid falls down? Tell them they cracked the floor! They’ll focus on that. Acknowledging that this kid barely knows words yet, placing focus onto something else might still work.
Do you see any patterns to what they grab on to? Or what catches their attention? A large part of handling kids is figuring out what grabs their attention. No need to actually answer, just food for thought.
Do you see any patterns to what they grab on to?
It’s mostly containers with stuff in them that also act as dispensers. I told another user here about tubes like moisturiser and toothpaste. He also likes talcum powder bottles. Bottles like that of baby oil. At times I feel the more he shouldn’t have something the more he wants it.
His pattern of usage is something like this. He will spill whatever is in the container a little bit. Smear it around. Maybe eat a little bit. If he wasn’t eating all this it would have been much more manageable.
You are right about the tone thing. He has begun to understand tones. It is more of a problem of that he doesn’t like taking no for an answer. This can get better with age or worse. I hope it is the former.
You are also right about the distraction thing. I have noticed it too.
It’s normal. “Strictness” doesn’t work on kids. Look up Dr. Becky Kennedy, she has way more to say on all things parenting than I possibly could. Watching and reading her stuff made me a WAY better, more patient parent. Seriously can’t recommend it enough.
Thanks a lot. I will look her up.
I have a 21 month old daughter and she does this rarely, but it happens time to time. Distracting still works with here. It really depends a lot on, how she has slept, eaten, how much anger there was between siblings earlier, stuff like that.
If it absolutely does not make sense giving her what she wants, we usually will not give it to her, like she wanted to take a suitcase with here when we went to the playground. She started to cry and I had to carry her for 10 minutes while trying to make her happy again. If it happens allll the time and it works for him, like he gets what he wants. Im pretty sure its learned.
Yeah the child’s mood is an important factor too. Which is why I asked for anecdotes rather than concrete advice because there are a million small factors that I cannot lay out. Thank you.
year-and-a-half year old tiny comrade doing the same thing now. no, don’t put that coin in your mouth - yoink - and the reaction is outrage crying so intense that sound doesn’t even come out for the first thirty seconds or so, like it is the worst thing that has ever happened to zer.
which to be fair might actually be true, it’s not like ze has a deep bench of experiences to compare to.
I think it’s a normal thing.
I wonder if there are sensory or stimming issues here. What kind of objects are you taking from him? Is there any sort of commonality to the kind of object - like, even texture or temperature or weight - or the time of day that this happens? Patterns of attachment to these things related to hunger or fatigue?
just spitballing
mine was a puzzle too, and the stage you’re talking about was 15 years ago for us, but even though I don’t remember all the particulars, I remember it being very difficult! Grasp of language happened very soon afterwards, though, and it made everything So Much Better. You’re very close to the light at the end of the tunnel. ❤️ Once they can communicate their needs to you, everything gets a million times easier.
Edit: also
Part of me thinks that this behaviour is learnt. He must have noticed this strategy working for him in the past so he has begun to do it more.
a child of 20 months is incapable of this level of cognition, just fyi
so no, nothing they’re doing is manipulative ever, they literally don’t have the capacity for that until much later in childhood - like well past kindergarten
if it seems like they need a thing, it’s because they do (or feel like they do) - it is absolutely never about manipulation. toddlers are categorically incapable of this level of cognitive function, it’s just a simple fact.
He likes tubes a lot. Specifically tubes with stuff in it. Like moisturiser, toothpaste. He also likes opening them and eating whatever is inside which is where the problems come from. He also likes holding things much bigger than him. Like he would see me using a broom then demand for it then try to use it himself, imitating as he saw me use it. I don’t mind this since someone is usually supervising so that he doesn’t hurt himself. He also likes holding pens. He begins with drawing on the walls which is fine. But then he proceeds to jam them in power sockets and sort of wedge them in a lever action to break the nib. If that doesn’t work (sockets are blocked) he tries to rip the nib out with his teeth.
That sounds really fucking hard to deal with! Mine was thankfully never that suicidally experimental with objects. Does he have a busy board or something similar where he can play with these sorts of actions in a safe manner?
Does he eat any actual food from a squeeze tube? If so, I’m wondering if you could use that as a launchpad for incorporating some color and letter recognition into trying to correct this behavior. “Sorry, see this is the BLUE tube, so this is toothpaste, which means you can’t eat it. Do you remember where we keep the GREEN tubes? Can you get one of those instead?” sorta thing
also, idk why I didn’t notice this before:
If we even try to gently wrest the object from his grasp, he starts crying really badly. Like really badly. It is a bit terrifying.
that sounds like a meltdown - those objects are important to him for some reason
Idk what he’s getting out of having them, but there’s something there that deserves examination - does he have much autonomy? What kinds of choices and control does he get? Maybe this is a struggle to feel in control of something?
The world can be a very confusing and scary place for tiny humans, and if they don’t have bigger humans talking them through everything and helping them make choices and exercise sensible control, they will sometimes lash out. Even stuff like “Do you want to wear the purple shirt or the red shirt today?” or “Yes, I know it’s frustrating when water falls from the sky while you’re trying to play, but it’s just rain and it’ll stop eventually. Do you want to go inside and get dry, or do you want to have a minute to get your frustrations out? You know what, I’m having a rough day too, do you want to yell together?”
Does he have a busy board or something similar where he can play with these sorts of actions in a safe manner?
We bought a small activity board by Fisher Price. It isn’t as close to being as expansive and intricate but he doesn’t show interest in it anymore. There are other toys around–stacking blocks, bootleg lego, a toy balancing scale. But I think right now he is too young to be playing with these as is intended. He likes toppling the stacked blocks and likes pushing buttons on tou balancing scales which emit sound. But they don’t hold his attention for very long. I think that could be normal for his age though.
But there are things that can hold his attention for very long. He likes playing with water. He likes having control of a hose with running water then likes to put water on whatever he can find around. I bet he could do this for one whole hour but we only let him do this for 5-15 minutes tops. He also plays with a broom for fairly long. I think he just has his preference. I also think toys are just an accessory and the presence of a person to interact with him and guide his experience is more important. But it’s hard to tell what a tiny child should be doing with a given toy and harder to encourage them to do it. I’m fine with the uncertainty and hearing other people’s experiences helps in orienting the perspective a bit which I appreciate.
Does he eat any actual food from a squeeze tube?
I’ve been contemplating giving him a tube of mayonnaise to see what he does with it. I feel like he is gonna wolf it down because mayonnaise and moisturiser are a little bit similar. I havn’t done this though because store bought mayonnaise is gross and I don’t wanna subject him to it. Maybe there is something else I can try.
“Sorry, see this is the BLUE tube, so this is toothpaste, which means you can’t eat it. Do you remember where we keep the GREEN tubes? Can you get one of those instead?”
This is worth trying when he is older I think. Right now he wouldn’t understand this.
Part of what worries me is that the child has a cousin that is two years older than him. The unfortunate thing that these cousins have in common is that both are being raised by upper middle class Hindu fascists. I cannot concretely explain what this entails but there are a lot of things that they do that are similar. My nephew’s caretakers used to talk about how the cousin is a difficult child to deal with because of her predisposition to throw tantrums. I raised the issue that my nephew could have similar behaviour and they said “that just won’t happen” without knowing or acknowledging whether that behaviour is normal or if not, what caused it to become a habit and how to avoid it. It’s already tragic that parents have no quality resources to help them unless you happen to have bought the right Product™ which is rarer than miracles. My nephew’s parents don’t know any other parents with children his age. It feels very weird.
It sounds like he would really enjoy a water table, which would let him play with water for hours without wasting hundreds of gallons.
My nephew’s caretakers used to talk about how the cousin is a difficult child to deal with because of her predisposition to throw tantrums. I raised the issue that my nephew could have similar behaviour and they said “that just won’t happen”
this makes me very sad to read - it sounds like these kids have emotional and sensory needs that aren’t being met (or even acknowledged as needs), and when they display distress about this, it’s called a tantrum 😔
Misdirection is also a good tactic. Don’t just take the thing they shouldn’t have, be ready with something else they can have. For a while I would do trades with my oldest “what do you have? Look what i have, can we trade?”
Also, just having safe equivalent items could help. We had these finger paints in squeeze bottles that we would let her play with. You could take old containers and fill them with safe stuff.
The first step though is just making sure that whatever they are snatching is out of reach to begin with.
Some “forbidden” items though might be fine. When she was curious about the kitchen cabinets, we made sure really dangerous stuff was out, but compromised on pots and pans. A few wooden spoons away from a noise session. Better then being strict about open cabinets, and sometimes it’s just a desire to know “what’s in here?”, and once they know, they’re over it.
I wonder if there are sensory or stimming issues here. What kind of objects are you taking from him? Is there any sort of commonality to the kind of object - like, even texture or temperature or weight - or the time of day that this happens? Patterns of attachment to these things related to hunger or fatigue?
just spitballing
mine was a puzzle too, and the stage you’re talking about was 15 years ago for us, but even though I didn’t remember all the particulars, I remember it being very difficult! Grasp of language happened very soon afterwards, though, and it made everything So Much Better. You’re very close to the light at the end of the tunnel. ❤️ Once they can communicate their needs to you, everything gets a million times easier.
