My LO turned 2 in May. She’s been peeing on the potty since she was 18 months old (and started having accidents in the tub). We started potty training in earnest in June. We’re now in October and not doing much better. We have very little issues with getting her to go. She will pee on the potty almost every time we suggest it. But she will not hold it and she will not tell us when she needs to go. Making it through the day with no accidents requires us to make her stop every hour and go. She knows all the mantras and will tell you the right thing every time you talk to her. But she isn’t putting it to practice. We’ve tried stickers, hand stamps, screen time, juice, stickers in the potty that show dinosaurs when she pees on them. She likes all of these things and is excited for them. But she will not go of her own accord. The thing is, I know she can hold it. She’ll hold it for hours in the car or when we’re out and about in public. She doesn’t fear the potty (sometimes after pooping in her pull-ups it’s sensitive and she’s afraid to pee for a time or two, but gets over it quickly). We’ve done underwear, pull-ups, no pants, leaving the door open and lights on, and us announcing loudly when we need to go to model. Is it just a waiting game? Eventually she’ll understand her body better? I’m a little apprehensive because the next room at daycare will send your child home if they have 2 accidents in a day. So we’ve got about six months to make some drastic improvements. We’ve done books and songs and get super excited when she goes. I’ve tried to make it a positive experience for her. And that’s just pee. The only way she will poop on the potty is if we catch her in the act (usually after not going for a day or two) and run her to the potty. Most weekends she’ll go both days without pooping and then go first thing at daycare in her pull-up. Is there anything I’m missing? Anything I haven’t tried? I would be fine with the occasional accident because she forgot to go while playing, but right now she will only tell us after she has gone in her pants and will only go potty if we remind her.
Positive reinforcement is great for getting kids to do something, but it often doesn’t work to get them to stop doing something. You already got her to do the thing (pee in the toilet), but you also need her to stop doing something (peeing in her diaper). I tried all the positive stuff with my kid and when he was 18 months and still crapping in his pants, I was honestly getting very tired of it and angry. I started letting him know I was angry about it, and it stopped. In a moment which I’m sure all parents today will scowl at, I yelled at him and told him he’s way too old to be crapping in his diaper, and I’m sick and tired of it. Well, what do you know? He stopped! That’s what it took, and it worked very quickly since already knew how to use the toilet.
Negative reinforcement has its place. It needs to be hyper targeted to be useful. If the child is not capable of the adjustment (either due to inability or not understanding) then it can mess with their head.
I’ve done the negative rant at my minion. I think all parents have. I do tend to try and temper it afterwards, with an apology, and an explanation. In many ways, that was the most useful part. It both teaches emotional regulation, by example, and provides them all the information. Knowing you’ve upset mummy or daddy is one thing. Knowing how, why, and how to fix it, is another.
This was definitely hyper targeted, “stop crapping in your pants!”. Haha. I honestly felt a little bad afterwards, but I didn’t apologize because I meant it. I don’t remember if he immediately stopped, or very soon after, but I do remember that it solved the problem. To be clear, I wasn’t like raving mad about it, or yelling at the top of my lungs or anything, but I let him know how displeased I was.
I know exactly what you mean. I’ve done the same loop more than once.
Get frustrated => Vent => Realise I f@#£ed up => Apologised => Explained why I was upset, and what I actually wanted from them. => Problem fades away.
It’s a nuclear option, but effective.