Every day, all day, I have to lie to clients at work and tell them I’m good. I’m far from good and lying about it constantly is killing me.
I’m incredibly lonely and almost everything I usually enjoy feels like a goddamn chore.
Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?
I’ve been saying “I don’t know” to the “how are you doing” question for about 20 years. It’s pretty good. 95% of the time that’s the end of the conversation. 5% of the time a dialogue that isn’t mundane happens.
In Ireland it’s common to say “not too bad”
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: good afternoon.
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: is it Friday yet? asking for a friend.
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: I’m surviving, it beats the alternative (fake chuckle) , what can I do for you today?
Client Hi, how are you today? You: Fluffy, he was my anchor, my pivot, the only thing in life worth living… Nah, I’m just fucking with ya. You’re here, I’m here, lets get shit done.
It helps to understand what is being communicated here. It’s not a genuine request for your health status, it’s a friendly greeting. The last thing anyone wants in response to “how are you” is a list of everything that’s wrong with you. If you struggle to cope with replying “fine” or equivalent, refuse to answer the question and respond instead with something like “hi/hello!”. The non-sequitur will jar them for a moment and hopefully they’ll learn not to ask dumb questions.
This is what I LOVE about German culture.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation.
I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me “how are you”. Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.
Of course “I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles” is also not a normal answer in Germany, but “puh, it’s been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come” totally is. Then it’s the other person’s choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation
Truly the land of milk and honey colored beer
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I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.
You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.
The horrors persist, but so do I.
Cthulu lives (runs away)
The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.
„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)
„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)
In the Midwest we have a similar one:
Person 1: How’s it going?
Person 2: It’s going(! or … depending on the mood)
“Another day in paradise.” “We’re going alright.” “Looking forward to [Quitting time/the weekend/heading home]” “Nothing worth complaining about.”
“Living the dream…”
wat mut dat mut
Machste nix 🤷♂️
Tja…
As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”
The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:
“How are you?”
“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”
Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”
The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.
I just stopped saying I’m fine. It’s actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually “been better” and I’m usually more like “pretty shitty, my guy”. People who didn’t mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.
I use “Getting by. We’re all just getting by.” I usually get a reply like, “Ain’t that the truth.” More real, and it invites an attitude of being in it together.
Arrive at work.
Coworker asks, “How are you?”
I respond, “Well, I’m here.”
Coworker nods knowingly.
“The horrors persist, but so do I.”
Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.
"Struggle, endure, contend. For that alone is the sword of one who defies death. "
“Struggle is the bread of life. It is the element that distinguishes the living from the dead”
“No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within those who fight.”
“In times of despair, remember this: the darkest nights produce the brightest stars. Endure, and you will find your path”
Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don’t understand. Life is too short to be normal.
Life is a sandbox game and nowhere it says you need to play it like other people do. I look at the lives of the “average person” and I don’t want what they have so I also don’t see why I should do what they do and expect a different outcome. Ofcourse one doesn’t just choose to not care about what others think - it’s not that easy, but there are small steps you can take towards it that you can do every day.
For example: I like looking at things. Virtually every day I notice something and go: “what is that?” A normal person would maybe look at it while walking by without stopping but not me. I’m the guy others walk by wondering what the hell is he doing. Just yesterday there was this fascinating chain mail curtain that a store uses to close in the cashier window at night and I spent a solid 2 minutes there twiddling with it while the staff was wondering if I’m going to buy something or not. Nah, I’m just studying this thing here.
Here in Brazil (at least in my state) we usually say “Tudo bem?” which translates to “Is everything fine?” (in a casual way, not an emotional way) so it’s more of a yes-or-no question. If I’m doing well or neutral, I’ll just say “Tudo certo.” (All is well.), if I’m not, then I just say “Mais ou menos.” (More or less.) or “Não, e você?” (No, what about you?).
Honestly just saying I’m fine to someone I don’t know doesn’t bother me at all, although if it’s someone I know better I would rather be honest with them.
People in this thread have made good suggestions about how you can be a tad more honest while also keeping things brief and polite. I found this surprisingly effective in making me feel less hollow, but something that really helped me was having friends who I could be completely honest with when they asked how I was doing.
You might not have friends like that. Certainly, I have found that when I’m tired and depressed is when I am most distant from would-be friends, and there have been times when I have effectively had to build up a support network from scratch (which is especially difficult when depressed). Or you may have friends who you hold at arm’s length because you don’t want to burden them with how you’re feeling. I may be projecting here, but when I have been depressed in the past, I end up feeling like I’m almost “infectious”, and I end up withdrawing. If you relate to this at all, try to resist the instinct to isolate. Try your best to put yourself in situations where you could meet people, such as if any hobbies you have had (or considered) have a social component to them. If you’re starting from nothing (which I’m assuming you are, given your aforementioned loneliness), a large chunk of forcing yourself to engage with things will feel like a chore, but in my experience, that’s the only way out (ideally paired with professional support, if available)
“Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?”
My honest answer to that is either “I don’t know if I am coping”, or “solidarity”. My above response may sound like I’m relatively coping, but in many ways I’m not. The times when I feel like I’m most achieving what I need to in life are often the times I feel most exhausted. In a way, it would be nice if I could think of myself as struggling due to some innate brokenness, but there are so many people struggling in the same way we are that it’s abundantly clear that our material conditions are the problem. It’s depressing to see how many people feel the same as I do. But it doesn’t make me feel less alone, and that feeling is something I cling to. It’s something, at least.
