That’s actually pretty common. Being suicidal is very often about wanting to escape from the endless negativity that hurts you. Death is an ultimate escape from all of that. however The self preservation often kicks in. It’s a survival instinct to wanna avoid death and no matter how much people wanna avoid pain part of our brains will scream death is worse. I don’t know what you are going through but atleast know you aren’t the only one suffering. Many who suffer would gladly share what positivity they could with you. Many people do find there way through the pain and I dearly hope you can too