Hey!

I saw your post on my mobile yesterday and it struck a chord. I saved the link so I could go home and type on my laptop and give my reply the time it deserves. I know I’m replying quite late, but I hope my perspective helps anyway.

First off, everything you’re feeling is understandable. I don’t know if I’d say it’s “normal”, but I empathize with everything you’ve written. I have a 2-year old daughter, and it’s not been easy. But my most important takeaway from your post is that you’re trying. You’re doing everything you can to support your wife and kid, and that alone puts you in the “good dad” category.

Look, it’s not going to be easy. Your 3-week old is essentially a lump in human form. All he knows to do at the moment is drink, sleep, and poop/pee. He doesn’t recognize you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t reciprocate anything you do, and he doesn’t acknowledge you except when you’re feeing him. He can barely even see you (kids that age have eyes that haven’t learnt to focus yet). And that’s how it’s going to be for the foreseeable future. Having a kid this age is mostly a chore (or a job, like you described). Try to think of it as an investment for the future. All the hard work you’re doing now pays off in the future when you have a healthy, happy child who loves you and knows how to show it.

But for now, it’s going to suck. Your wife is probably going to go through post-partum depression, she’s going to have mental crises about being a terrible mother about something or the other. I don’t know if it’s because of hormone imbalance, stress, lack of sleep, and/or a combination of all these. You’re the one who’s going to have to be there for her at those times. Your baby will (hopefully not) develop colic, or there will come a day when he cries for no reason and nothing you do will stop him and you’ll start thinking about taking him to the doctor/ER and in your desperation, you’ll hold him in a new hold and he’ll suddenly quieten down because he loves being held like that. Some days are going to be a rollercoaster of activity, frustration, joy, etc.

And as for love … in the last 2 years, there hasn’t been a single moment that’s hit me like “I NOW LOVE MY KID AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER.” I mean, I would die/kill for her, but that’s just family.

BUT – there have been moments. Like one time she half-woke from a nap, saw my face, broke into a smile, and went back to sleep. One other time when she was very young and she ran into my arms. One time she absolutely insisted that only dad would help her put her shoes on and not mom. These are small wins that build. The more interactive they get, the more your relationship with them grows, the more in love you’ll be. It’ll take time. I’m not there yet, even with my 2-year-old, but I know I’ll get there. I know I love her, even if I don’t “feel” it yet.

In the meantime, sorry … tough it out.

The only other advice I can give you is to ask for help. If your mom or some other family member can come help you and your wife out, it gets a little easier. Even if it’s only for a weekend or a week at a time. Just having someone else at home who can change a diaper, or even just watch the kid while you take a nap or play a videogame for some time, will help.

All the best, you got this, don’t sell yourself short.

EDITED TO ADD:

Newborns fall asleep very quickly, even in the middle of a feeding session. We used to tickle the bottom of our baby’s feet to keep her awake during feeding times, both at the breast and with the bottle.

Also, try to find someone you can talk to about the stress you’re feeling (if you can’t do it with your wife). Your mom or a best friend, or just internet strangers. Hopefully it’ll help you through the toughest times.

OP, you’re a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don’t know if I could do what you are doing, and I don’t have any advice to give, but just know I’m rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can’t say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you’ll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can’t reach while he’s an infant? Anyway, good luck!

my dude! It’s just been 3 weeks! You easily have another 6 months or more of bad sleep. But seriously, did you have mental problems before the kid because it sounds you have some problems.

Also, for real, your wife is doing all the really heavy lifting here. She just had a kid. Her body is still a trauma zone! She possibly has post partum which is a very serious condition.

Chill. It gets much better after the first 9 months to a year. Once they start sleeping all night and stop nursing.

Step up. Get your sh1t together and push through the next year. Stop being a selfish spoil ass facker

This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.

I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.

Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours.

So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can’t take care of the kid.

Also, stop doing chores. If it isn’t necessary to live, it isn’t necessary to do.

There’s nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don’t and it is a bit overplayed by people.

Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.

As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.

But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.

Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.

It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.

3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.

Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on

You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.

Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.

Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.

One thing that I feel hasn’t been addressed enough by the comments:

**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **

It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.

We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned ‘social’ pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different ‘advice’ on what you ‘should’ do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).

We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you’ll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we’ll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby’s growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.

People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.

And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂

First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you’ll have a moment to breathe.

The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.

I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don’t think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.

By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.

Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.

I felt similarly to you, wasn’t really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.

Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.

I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It’s frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you’re supposed to feel a certain way when you don’t. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don’t regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.

New father here as well. Let me start by saying, please ignore any negative comments, they are shitty or non-parents. I see some terrible responses here.

Here’s what I see: a responsible kickass father is owning up to this huge lifestyle change, giving 110% to his wife and son, doing a perfect job emotionally and physically - service with everything but the smile. A mom going through post-partum depression, which is not only normal, it’s actually abnormal not to. You’re also going through something like “post-partum depression”, which is also not your fault at all and totally normal. Seek help for yourself too, and remember this will all pass. You need support from your wife as well - and sometimes giving support is the greatest way to feel acknowledged, you may be doing her a favor to dump on her (and yes, I know your time to converse is like minutes per day). You’re in the hardest phase and we all feel exactly the same way. It gets so much easier so quickly.

As for the sounds, I’m very, very sensitive to crying so I suggest ear protection like over-ear headset + earplugs or ear pods with white noise playing. Trust me, you don’t need to hear the crying to be a responsive parent. I use physical cues like vibration, facial expressions, physical movement, etc like a deaf parent, and I use and audio monitor too to physically see the sounds. This makes me 1000x more functional and responsive.

As for not feeling the “connection” (yet!), that is textbook post-partum and again, super normal. Your guilt/anger/depression at lacking that connection, feeling lonely and unsupported - these are textbook normal things. Newborn parenting is fucking hard. In pre-history infant mortality was crazy and there was 10 adults per newborn, we’re not meant to do any of this. If you exit this with 30 fingers and toes you’re smashing it. I think in time you’ll be able to enjoy it once you are sleeping, eating, and not completely overwhelmed. It could be years, but you know that. In the mean time, wish you (and I) luck to surviving…

For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.

We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.

The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).

So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).

Not necessarily at 3 weeks, it is so intensely stressful at the start. Crying is designed to make you feel upset, that is what it evolved for, so that you would check on the baby.

I did feel love for the newborns, but they aren’t fun or anything, they are just babies. You were the same at the start of your life.

Can your wife visit a lactation consultant? I remember my kids falling asleep nursing, is that not normal? They nurse, fall asleep, wake up and are happy for awhile, then cry, nurse, and fall asleep, that’s the whole newborn cycle. I don’t think that means they aren’t getting enough, of the baby was that hungry he’d stay awake long enough to eat enough and remember, the milk in the first few moments has the most fat & calories.

Basically - I would not trust your feelings right now, while sleep deprived and stressed. You may enjoy the baby when it is more enjoyable. Like 2-3 years old is blistering cute, and then they are learning so much you can see it happening, and teenagers are fun and keep you aware of pop culture.

I don’t remember my mom being, well, mom-ish, not very nice when we were little, we weren’t neglected at all she was just never close with us. I asked her about it when I was grown and she said “I don’t like kids.” And I was like “WTF, you had so many kids!” And she said “Well, I like you all now, I knew you’d grow up, you don’t have kids to have kids but to raise people.”. And I guess she has a point. It’s nicer to enjoy the ride, I did, but she didn’t and we were ok.