Might be a bad idea for me to go into this while having ptsd issues, especially when I’m probably about to do a long ass sleep, but yolo.
Basic synopsis on my feelings here:
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tl;dr: I used to believe we should be federated, but after 3ish years of interacting with lemmygrad on various accounts, I have noticed that lemmygrad is not a place that is safe for transgender people at large. The reason for this is principally their debatelord culture and refusing to comprehend that debating a point against a minority’s lived experience, then demanding civility when that minority gets angry, is the same shit liberals do.
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I noticed instances of reactionary content, such as here and/or comments are not removed or users banned. Lemmygrad seems to prefer to debate reactionaries, and obviously subjecting minority groups to reactionary content for personal fun is callous at best, and reactionary at worst. Its important to make it so that there are designated areas for dunking on reactionary content, as well as nsfw and content tags to avoid it. Otherwise, reactionary comments should be removed and visible in a mod log.
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I discussed in this post why it is important to remove downvotes to protect trans people. After I noticed people were creating evasive comments to debate me, I pretty much told them to fuck off. This resulted in a ban from their admins and they continued to defend their policy. This reminds me a lot of the struggle sessions we used to have about adding pronouns to the site or removing downvotes. People would be evasive in this same way to give the benefit of the doubt then demand civility when people get angry. Those people are not allies and should be purged.
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The admins seem to have a principle misunderstanding of why minorities don’t want to see any form of harassment or discrimination directed at them and how that is perpetuated across social media sites. They seem to legitimately believe that keeping downvotes means that they will be able to stave off reactionary content or is somehow a valuable tool in responding to reactionary content, when in reality they should be removing and banning reactionary content.
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Certain users were very keen on civility bullshit, particularly @[email protected], @[email protected] (an admin), @[email protected]. This is honestly the most disgusting behavior I’ve seen on lemmygrad, and the fact that the admins doubled down on it is fucked.
I can see staying federated to a bunch of very small instances, especially queer focused and hobby instances, but I’m pretty soured on the fediverse at this point.
I’m extremely disappointed in what I’ve seen of the lemmygrad mod team. Why are they making me into a splitter over such a basic issue of avoiding the harassment of trans people at a systemic level, bastards 
I am willing to retract this if the admins of lemmygrad self crit and apologize for temp bans or otherwise of my accounts on civility reasons and make it clear that debating the lived experience of anyone of a minority group is unacceptable going forward. There are positive and proactive ways of discussing someone’s lived experience without going into debate territory and trying to find a technicality in lived experiences to support an opinion you already hold. I maintain that removing downvotes is a boon to trans users, if you can come up with something better than that and implement it, I am all ears.
No for defederation. You proceed to go on another instance (in a community that was for lemmygrad users only according to the sidebar), told them how they should do things, got banned, and now come to complain here. As other lemmygrad users rightfully pointed out, their site does not have the same history or culture as ours with regards to downvotes. As they also rightfully said, how would you react if lemmygrad users came here and told us to reinstate downvotes? It’s fine to have a difference of opinion on matters as trivial as downvotes existing, it’s a different instance. It’s not hexbear 2.0. It will have different policies. They agree with us on 99% of things anyway, I’m pretty sure disagreeing about downvotes should not be a reason for defederation.
This is bullshit. I could go into the specifics but the idea that a trans person can’t go onto another instance to recommend trans positive changes to a website, when it affects THEIR community, is absurd. Like seriously, fuck off. Let alone the fact that I have interacted with lemmygrad for years now.
Yeah I don’t get the argument that bad interactions on another instance aren’t supportive of a reason to federate. That’s the way defederation starts lol.
Though I do think Lemmygrad are comrades they just need to develop at their own pace.
Edit: transphobes of all types should be relentlessly bullied though. And you should be unbanned from Lemmygrad. I’m just remembering that hexbear required several struggle sessions to become trans positive and think Lemmygrad is actually in a better place than where we started, outside of that one mod.
Also I used this same argument with blahaj and at least many of the liberals there considered it. I was never banned there. Imagine being worse than liberals.
Truly embarrassing for Lemmygrad I agree. Sorry you went through that.
The whole idea of not allowing people from other instances (which doesn’t even apply here since she is using her Lemmygrad account and is participating a Lemmygrad discussion as a 2 year member of Lemmygrad) goes against the spirit of federation. OP started a thread on Lemmygrad referencing a policy set by Hexbear, so why shouldn’t a proponent from Hexbear who pushed hard for said policy appear in that Lemmygrad thread, using her 2 year old Lemmygrad account no less? This is not that much different from the losers at sh.itjust.works crying about Hexbear and complaining about Hexbear brigadarinosTM when people here give them a piece of our minds.
we have the den comm for hexbear users only. the community absolutely isn’t the same post-federation and it makes sense to have a spot for community members to discuss the site and their lives without anyone from a federated comm butting in
I’m absolutely fine with trans people offering suggestions for the site to make the situation better
i agree but i think it’s helpful to go in assuming that criticism perceived to be from outside the community isn’t gonna be taken well. it’s very rare to find a mod/admin team without at least one person who has a chip on their shoulder
Doesn’t matter to me, that is liberal shit. A valid suggestion from a relevant party is good.
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Debate shit, it is gross and is transphobic in that it does not allow people from all parts of the trans community to discuss. Especially terrible considering we are ideologically aligned and on the same platform.