In 2022 I found a lewd artist on Twitter whose work I enjoyed. Finally, a NSFW artist who wasnāt obsessed with weenies! What a marvellously rare find! I looked into her social media and joined her Discord server, then we started privately messaging.
For a while we hit it off well: she was (seemingly) digging the content that I was sharing with her, and an awful lot of it, too. It was unusual for me to meet somebody who shared many of the same tastes and distastes that I had, so I explicitly told her, āThis canāt be real. Itās too good to be true.ā
Nonetheless, she had a couple of fetishes that bored me. One night in July 2022 she was obsessively talking to me about one of them. I was empty of enthusiasm and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not into her fetish, but she wouldnāt stop and I did not know what to do besides disconnect from the Internet for a while. That really upset her. I tried to handle the situation as delicately as possible but it proved useless.
I am including our conversation here only so that you can judge it in its original context and decide who was in the wrong here. If you have no time to read it then skip over it.
[Wall of text that takes nine minutes to read.]
Me: Ehhhā¦ I donāt know, I still like my original version more. But oh well.
Her: mama just likes anything with a balloon involved x3
i know you would bring me lots of balloons x3Me: Heh heh.
(That was me trying to be polite.)
Her: hehehe >;3
what if i was a balloon girl :)
wif hyper proportions >:3cMe: Iām not into balloons.
Her: yu wouldnāt mind buttering me up with some thoughh~ wouldnt you? <:)
Me: I donāt even know what you mean.
Her: Momma gets all steamy and heart pumpy around em x3
Big blown up tight squeaky balloons x3
a time for giggles and happiness!
be careful wif dem doe <3333 aaaaaa!Me: Uh-huh.
(I was getting uncomfortable; I already spelled it out that I was not into this, and my lack of enthusiasm should have been apparent, but she kept going. Rather than bluntly telling her to shut up, I turned on airplane mode for a while and went back to replaying Fallout 2.)
Her: dont make me feel wierd <:c
its fun!
riding your wet pussy on the friction of a rubber balloon <3
girl you cant just
go offline
at this moment thats mean
thats really mean :(
You really just left me on read >:
Ima have a attitude if you dont come back right now
idk if i can forgive that unless you comin back and explaining
thats really meanMe: I told you that Iām not into this and you kept ignoring me, I had to get off because I was feeling really uncomfortable.
Her: Ugh whatever
Youāre acting like I said Iām into something grotesque thats really aggrovating
[Umpteen hours later.]
Her: Im still mad about last night! I feel you owe me an apology
You definitely mixed something up or got something wrong
I was trying to share with a friend in Confidence one of the fetishes that brings light to my life and you just sat there shitting on me
Its either you see that as kinda fucked up, or Weāre not friends
You were acting like you were supposed to get it??? Youāre not supposed to understand it, you just be a cool friend and say 'Yaaah cool, not for me"
but no you said āI dont get it at alllā and hit me with the āUh-huhā like this is some kinda comedy bit
thats fucking mean
I thought I was safe to talk fetish stuff with you but no, apparently not.Me: I wasnāt judging your fetish, I was trying to express disinterest as politely as I could. I thought that āIām not into balloonsā would have already conveyed that. I said āUh-huhā because I was still disinterested but didnāt want to come across as angered.
Her: Uhhuh is not polite at all :(
thats like āYah grossāMe: Well, I didnāt know that.
Her: Theres wayyy nicer ways to put it :(
Like my feelings were really hurt and I thought you were being mean on purposeMe: I didnāt mean to upset you, and Iām sorry that I did.
Her: I wasnt really asking you to be interested in the fetish I wanted you to be interested in what makes me happy :(
Me: Iā¦ what? I donāt understand.
Her: I was just showing you something that makes me really happy :(
Idk why it felt like you had to like; i unno be involved or love it or something
Idk why it felt like I was asking for your interest in that specifically; I know noone else has this fetish xD its not common.
[A few days later.]
Her: you trying to reply to me or nah?
Me: No.
Her: aight
(It was at this point that she unfriended me, but I was still in her server, so we could still talk.)
Me: Please, canāt we handle this through a conversation? You donāt have to unfriend me and hide from me.
Her: You just said youāre not trying to reply to me
So whats the point??
Youād rather throw this all away just because of a sex-toyMe: ā¦what? What are youā¦ what? I meant that I wasnāt writing a reply to you at the present moment, not that I wanted to stop talking to you. I was silent for several days because I assumed that you needed more time to calm down.
Her: I want an answer to that original text thenn
Me: Which one?
Her: I donāt feel like I was listened to properly
Me: Which text?
Her:
I was just showing you something that makes me really happy :(
Idk why it felt like you had to like; i unno be involved or love it or something
Idk why it felt like I was asking for your interest in that specifically; I know noone else has this fetish xD its not common.Me: I told you, āIām not into balloonsā, and you kept discussing the subject anyway, so I felt like you wanted me to adopt your fetish.
Her: Not like that
Iām not a psycho xD
Just wanted you to blow up some balloons for a bad bitch!!!
Iām definitely sexy enough for that B)Me: Well, I donāt really feel like trying any āroleplayā with anybody this week. Iām depressed.
Her: Giiiiirl
you hit me on the suicidal day too so that really had me fucked up
I was feeling all types of fucked up and then it just felt like you were shitting on the one thing that brought me happiness
just gotta be more careful about that type of thingMe: By saying āIām not into thisā, I was shitting on it?
Her: Girl no xD
No no no no aw hell no
You did not say JUST that xD
You were, maybe unknowingly; extremely judgeyMe: āUh-huhā is a rather ambiguous response; I donāt know why you interpreted it in the worst possible way. I was just kind of bored.
Her: Because Uh-huh is like the least āIām trying to be friendlyā thing to say in that situation
Iām not even wrong about that Iām just right xDMe: So, what, do you think that I knew that and was purposely trying to antagonize you? Is that what you are saying?
Her: how am I supposed to know xD
Did it feel like that? Yesss
Did it hurt to feel like that? yesssss
Did you dissapear and stop responding so that would be the only thing I could think, without any clearing up of texts and intents, yessssssMe: I said, āIām not into thisā, and I expected you to stop. Thatās what my other friends would have done. You said something that I didnāt understand, so I replied āI donāt even know what you mean.ā You still kept going on about it, so I said āUh-huhā to indicate my boredom, and then you said I was making you feel weird, and at that point I was getting really uncomfortable, so I didnāt know what else to do but get off.
Should I have just said āPlease stopā or āYouāre making me uncomfortableā instead?Her: I mean im just
really annoyed you couldnāt find a nicer way to do all that
Cause like
We talk about shit all the time I donāt do that to you
Imagine I started doing that
Ughhhhhhhhh
Siiiiiiiigh
Oh you like this thing? Siiiiiiiiigh YEaaaaaaaaaah okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Oh a thing I wanna talk about? Omg lets talk about that, but you like a thing? ughhhhhh whateverrrrrrā¦ Siigggghhh
Vaguely bad faith but you get my pointMe: Well, Iāve gotten into trouble with others numerous times by talking, so sometimes I try to avoid that by simply not talkingā¦ I know that it isnāt always a good strategy, but I donāt know any better. Thatās what Iāve learned.
Her: And I get that, I been trying to let you like naturally get back to it but it really feels like, you set me off and then just left me to be sad and worried
From my perspective; all I was doing was, showing you something that tantalizes Me specifically trying, specifically to show you like, āHey heres something you can exploit cutely if you want to get my face redā and from my point of view, you did just like. Ughhhhhh whatever and dissapeared like I was some kind of weirdoMe: Iām sorry that I made you feel that way; I didnāt know what else to do, but I should have been more explicit.
Her: You shoulda just went with it ;/
I woulda done it for you :/Me: ā¦what? No, I donāt want you to indulge in my sexual fetishes if they discomfort you.
Her: My friends show me something I dont like, I still make effort and tease them with it xD
I also find it hard to believe* that this a discomforting fetish? You just gotta get exposed to shit more
there are way worse fetishes xDMe: I know, but I canāt force myself to find something sexually arousing.
Her: See thats the wierd part
Iām not asking for that xDMe: So you want me to indulge in this fetishā¦ even if Iām bored and disinterested? What are you trying to say?
Her: Uhhh yeaaaaa, I think it would help you out a lot to cultivate that muscle
xD
Sometimes a girls gonna be into something youāre not into
You dont wanna be a bad sport about it
Not indulge in the fetish like youāre one of them, but like, support someone you care about by being supportive for it :)
Like Iām pretty sexy irl, I think you would just shut up and blow a balloon up for me if you saw me xD (This is something they dont teach in schoolMe: Iām justā¦ Iām baffled right now.
I donāt need people to be supportive of my kinks or fetishes. If theyāre neutral or disinterested, thatās fine; I donāt badger them about my fetishes. I keep them to myself.Her: I agree but also im way too into the sex and kink scene, thats my nature lmao, understanding and supporting sexuality, so its important in my book lmao
Me: Iām still baffled.
Soā¦ you donāt want to be friends with people who are uninterested in partaking in your kinks?Her: Iām uninterested in friends who act mean for no reason
Me: I didnāt know that I was acting mean and at the time I didnāt know what else to do with my discomfort but hide. Havenāt we already been over this?
Her: Yeah just now
I unfriended you before thatMe: Okay. What do you want me to do?
Her: idk why me telling you my fetish made you so uncomfortable
Me: I told you that I was disinterested and you kept going on about it. That made me uncomfortable. People talking at me like Iām invisible. I hate it when people do that.
Her: I genuinely thought we talked about it before
I dont think you listen to me either honey :( Thats why I kept goingMe: ā¦what? What sense does that make?
Her: Because you always just do and post what you like
n I felt like I should have a lil time to talk about something i likeMe: When did I talk about something that disinterested you?
Her: just all the posts
theres some topics
Iām not bringing them up because im not trying to make you feel weird about what you likeMe: You pretended to be interested in everything that I was discussing? Is that what you are saying?
Her: theres some of it yea
i do keep telling you though
I like bigger stuff
And I dont really use real life pornMe: Why didnāt you tell me earlier?
Her: because you were having a good time
I liked that it made you happy if anythingMe: Thatās because I thought that you were having a good time.
Her: i did try to say it acouple times
Me: I noticed, and I quit after that.
Her: all im saying is we look at it a lil different
im like relentlessly sex positiveMe: Thatās not the issue.
Her: its not an issue
Me: Lookā¦ Iām sorry to say this, but I donāt think that this is going to work out. This doesnāt feel sincere.
Iāve been frustrated having this conversation and now I feel like somebodyās been lying to me for weeks.
Iām sorry.
At one point she told me that I should have simply indulged in her kink, which utterly baffled me. I donāt see the appeal in pressuring somebody to partake in what you enjoy even if she be disinterested. Itās inauthentic, manipulative, and not fun. Whatās the point?
The part that really hurt me, though, was when she revealed that she was basically lying when she praised some of the content that I shared with her. I would have been less hurt if she had instead politely declined something that I shared; I donāt expect anybody to have all of the same turn-ons as me, after all.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time that others tried to get me to adopt their turn-ons, but I had to tell this particular one to somebody because of how baffling it was.
At any rate, let me be clear: pressuring others to partake in your kinks is sexual harassment. If someone made it clear that they arenāt into your kink, stop showing it to them! If you arenāt into what somebody else is sharing with you, donāt lie about how you feel! If you follow this advice then I promise that youāll save yourselves from a lot of unnecessary drama, and the few seconds of fun that you may have pressuring others or lying about your feelings just arenāt worth that.
It sounds like she wanted your situationship to be a lot more close and giving than you did. You just wanted to both be having a good time and doing things youād be independently happy to. But it seems like she was in love with you, enjoyed spending time with you regardless of whether she liked the activity itself, and expected the same of you.
The fact that her love drove her to lie to you and feel entitled to a kind of relationship you hadnāt discussed and didnāt want is messed up. But I think it would make you feel a bit better to hear I donāt think there was a time she wasnāt having fun with you when doing your fetishes. I think she was having fun because of you, and lying that it was because of the fetish. She wanted you to have fun because of her company and lie for the sake of love the same way she did. And she was too emotionally disconnected to clearly explain her wants and ask for consent.
I hope that helps you make sense of the situation.
Reads to me like she full-steam burst through one of your boundaries, you enforced the boundary (went offline), she felt hurt in the process and is now trying to inflict the same pain onto you by twisting everything thatās been said before into something that might hurt you back.
The fact, that she thinks, that she deserves an apology, after crossing your boundary and the behavior afterwards looks like an emotionally immature person trying to get back either a sense of control or pride.
My guess would be narcissism, but someone with the DSM-5 might be able to correct me. In any way, this isnāt your fault, you just tried to argue with someone, who wasnāt looking to get to a solution, but rather, trying to āwinā.
Not all shitty behavior is pathological, so while you can call her behavior narcissistic in the casual sense, you canāt call her a pathological narcissist. Even if someone is pathological, youāre not gonna be able to determine that easily even with expertise. This goes for most DSM classifications people try to apply to others to describe their behavior.
I am not a licensed psychologist, but this doesnāt fit the NPD diagnostic profile. This fits the ābeing in love and having poor communication skillsā diagnostic profile. Which is an equally valid cause for abuse.
No means no, good on you for standing your ground. Pushing your fetishes/kinks on to people without consent is fucking gross.
Double gross she doubled down and tried to guilt you, instead of apologizing.
She violated a boundary you set. It sounds like it was a legitimate boundary that wasnāt restricting what she could do with herself or what she could like, just what she could do to you. Thatās unacceptable no matter what.
