I have been doing political work since I was 15. Due to some traumatic factors during my years as a 13-14-year-old clouding my memories, pretty much all of my conscious adolescence has been spent as a political organizer. Non-stop work, internal meetings for the org that I am in, protests, marches, rallies, political/cadre classes, forums, panels, more internal meetings.
I am the only youth member in my location’s branch of our organization. I have been a high schooler in one of the wealthiest areas of one of the wealthiest counties in the US. I also live in one of the most Zionist areas of the US.
And I am so unbelievably fucking tired.
On top of all my regular duties that any other comrade would be expected of, I have dealt with relentless persecution from my school for almost four years now. First over sexual assault (because of course this system never does justice to victims), and then after Oct 7, 2023, all about politics and Palestine. Meetings after meetings after meetings, reports after investigations after reports, on and on and on and on. Especially as time progressed, more and more people sympathized with Palestine and with what I was doing. It didn’t matter. This area is too wealthy, and the Zionists have too much influence. On top of institutional, systemic persecution, I was entirely socially isolated.
Bullying over Palestine was fueled by bullying over sexual assault, and vice versa. They both became justifications for the other. I basically became known as the Palestine removed
Everybody expects way too damn much from me. Since I’ve been politically active as such a young person, everyone just believes that I’m innately more mature for my age or strong for my age. Nobody ever gives me emotional support anymore, only logical solutions on how to get out of situations, and maybe it’s childish and pathetic but I wish I was treated like a kid sometimes. I’m not allowed to do things any other kid my age is allowed to do, the expectation to always be professional and a good cadre and good reflection of this and that and to always be restrained and in control and eloquent and well articulated, I actually can’t handle it anymore, I’m treated and viewed and placed under expectations as if I am the embodiment of so many big ideas, things, places, peoples, and movements, I’m exhausted
It’s so selfish and childish, but I am so unbelievably angry. Even though society just treats sexual assault and domestic violence victims badly period, I was treated astronomically worse due to being politically active. I look around myself, and I wish I got to experience normal things. I wish I spent my adolescence hanging out with friends or in stupid group chats or getting into petty drama
It’s so selfish but I’m so tired
It’s your turn to step back. We cannot be any use to our causes if we push until we snap or burn out. You have done much, much more than enough.
There’s a quote from Frantz Fanon I can’t find now, but after years of fighting he too had to leave the movement and the area he was in. He said something like, “after a certain point, pushing further would not be bravery, but morbidity”. If Fanon can take a rest, so can you.
o7
Nah, it’s not selfish. You should be able to have a safe childhood, where the worst is some petty drama. I’m glad you are part of the struggle, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not how it should ever have to be.
And not to downplay the unique struggle of you being in it so young, but I wanted to comment on the point about emotional support more generally. This is something we need to do better on as a culture, which includes in parties and out of them. The stereotype is that men tend to give solutions and women tend to give emotional support, but I’ve also known women who tend to go straight for solutions and can even get pushy about it. However, as a general rule, it is probably more an issue coming from men; patriarchy produces cold men and capitalism tends to reduce relations to the transactional, which can make interactions feel even colder.
It reminds me of a passage from a work by Liu Shaoqi. The piece is called How to Be a Good Communist: https://en.prolewiki.org/wiki/Library:How_to_Be_a_Good_Communist
It must be stated that on the whole these comrades are very good because they wage resolute struggle against the counter-revolutionaries and look upon the Party as a most affectionate mother. After going out to fight hard battles against the counter-revolutionaries they should receive encouragement, consolation and caresses, and not blows and wrongs, when they return to their great mother’s embrace. It is only natural for them to expect such treatment. However, they fail to take one point into account, or fully into account—that our Party still has shortcomings and faults and that there are inner-Party struggles which every comrade must take part in. Our Party criticises and combats shortcomings and faults not because it is unfeeling but because such action is unavoidable in the course of revolutionary struggle. It is necessary for comrades in the course of inner-Party struggle to receive well founded criticism, for it is helpful to them, to the other comrades and to the whole Party. On the other hand, it is also unavoidable that at times some comrades will receive unfounded criticisms or be attacked on certain matters, or will even be wrongly judged and disciplined. Failing to allow for this, they become shocked and feel most miserable and dejected when it occurs.
In this connection, it is my opinion that every Party member should pay attention to uniting with his comrades, be sincere and open, refrain from hurting others by thoughtless or sarcastic remarks and, in particular, refrain from irresponsibly criticizing comrades behind their backs. The proper attitude to any comrade’s mistakes is sincerely to remonstrate with him and criticize him to his face., out of concern for the comrade and a desire to be of help. All of us, and especially those in more responsible positions, must bear this in mind.
I wanted to highlight it because it demonstrates the similarity and shared struggle. That comrades in the CPC also had times of feeling awash in a kind of coldness of process, a neglect of warmth. Perhaps they still do today, I don’t know how China has tried to address those kinds of issues since.
I will say, as a man, it is sometimes hard for me to tap into the warmth because it feels very vulnerable and raw. It is a strange thing. It feels in a way, less safe. Even though the observable reality is that when we support each other authentically, we become more safe for the strength of ties that can come from it. The alienation and isolation of capitalism is an aberration of humanity, not the norm.
I’m sorry that you have gone through so much and I’m sorry that you are not getting more support. You deserve the hug of safeguarding community that will materially protect you and nurture you. You deserve to be able to stumble and still be comforted in mistakes. All of this is a process. None of us has all of the answers. At times, people take on a tone as if they do, but no one really does. AES states are not utopian, but they are dramatically better than what was there before, overall. This does not mean no one ever suffered or screwed up.
I cannot offer an actual hug, but I want you to know that I’m proud of you. Not for some image that’s impossible to live up to. But for being in this world, as you. There is no glory in suffering. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy as capitalism tells us. You will always be worthy and you will always be deserving of love and support.
None of this is selfish or childish. It is a common problem that people are treated like they’re mature or strong for their age, but you are completely right that people are expecting too much from you, and it sounds like they just don’t realize it yet. There’s no such thing as being innately mature. You need care appropriate for your developmental stage. It sounds like you have done some amazing work, and in a situation like this, comrades should be supporting your needs. Have you talked with your branch leadership about this? One benefit to working within a party is that you shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. In fact, that’s how people end up not knowing how to get their needs met for a long time and end up quitting. Please speak with your comrades about how to meet your needs so you can continue organizing long-term in a healthy way.
Hello Cherry, you’ve already proven you’re strong, brave and valuable. Now you need to take some rest and focus on personal matters. Do hang out with friends and experience petty drama. Get into a hiking group, enjoy nature, etc.
You need to recover before you can fight again. Morale, faith, life itself, are rollercoasters.
Mhm, came to say, “take a break, comrade.” You’ve earned it and you will be more focused, when you return.
i’d like to give you a hug and tell you that you’re gonna be alright…the only thing i can give you is the lesson of learning to be a cynic…let it all slip and destroy your enemies with irony, embrace your hate and make it a source of strength against the rich bastards and their lackeys, embrace the idea of being something evil for your enemies because they should fear you if they can’t love you
and maybe you should try to reduce your commitment if it’s destroying your sanity, you need to take care of yourself, you can’t do everything, and that’s the most difficult to accept, cynicism is the pressure valve of the good people imo
