It’s a bit of both. No amount of fighting for a relationship is going to compensate for fundamental incompatibility, but no amount of compatibility will eliminate the need to work at it.
Idlk I’ve never had to “fight” for the right love to work out. In fact, it was very easy with the right person.
“you cant just go forcing something if it’s just not right”
What’s your longest relationship?
People change, and you change, over the years. And over time life can throw a lot of shit your way. Love is easy when it’s just dates in your free time, or if you’re long distance and every visit is a little vacation. When every encounter is a special little event.
It’s tougher over time. Stuff like crunch time at a job while an elderly family member’s health is degrading and having to juggle both because you can’t afford to tell your job to fuck off. Life stressors and busy schedules leaving no time for intimacy. Not being able to rely on your partner like you normally can because of the immense amount of shit they’re juggling. Navigating past childhood trauma (even with therapy, it can still rear its ugly head).
Interests can change. Priorities can change. Things that may have seemed like cute quirks in the first year can become pet peeves over multiple.
I’ve been with my wife for over a decade now. We’ve both changed in a lot of ways, and it has taken effort to find time around everything else in life to ensure we have time for each other. Having a kid makes it that much more difficult.
We’ve had friction. We’ve had to work together to keep things working. Stuff like “I get your frustration and concern, those are completely valid. I’m going to work on that… That said, holy shit you CANNOT word it like that or bring it up to me like that unless you just want us to have a shouting match. That wording and approach signals a hell of a lot more to me than you seem to actually mean.”
“Fighting” to make things work might be the wrong word, but it has at times been a lot of work. And I feel our relationship is stronger for it.
Ultimately, I’d rather have the depth of relationship where I build things with my partner and get deeply attached, than to keep things distanced enough that I could just cut and run when things got messy or difficult. That means that I’ve got to weather when things get rough too.
So far it’s been worth it.
“Fighting” to make things work might be the wrong word, but it has at times been a lot of work
I think that’s what the other commenter was kind of getting at. Fighting is something forceful and unhinged, putting in effort is the more appropriate way to put it in my eyes.
I agree. To me “fighting” implies that there are forces trying to end the relationship, against which you must fight.
But that just isn’t the case in good relationships IMO. Yes some amount of effort is often required, and not every day can feel like the honeymoon phase, but the relationship has never felt adversarial.
I don’t doubt that for some relationships, “fight” is probably an accurate phrase. But I don’t think it should be seen as normal or expected of every relationship.
Fighting is something forceful and unhinged, putting in effort is the more appropriate way to put it in my eyes.
If cancer is taking the life of your mate are you just “putting in effort” against cancer? This a part of what can happen in a relationship. “Fighting for the relationship” doesn’t necessarily mean against each other. It can mean against society, against nature even.
You are fighting, because there is a force (cancer) which is actively working against you. There should not usually be any forces actively working against your relationship though, so I wouldn’t call it a fight.
You are fighting, because there is a force (cancer) which is actively working against you.
We’re agreeing. Fighting is an appropriate word choice here against cancer.
There should not usually be any forces actively working against your relationship though, so I wouldn’t call it a fight.
There shouldn’t be, but humanity seems to invent them frequently. There can be external forces working against the relationship. It could be something as benign as excessive responsibilities at work robbing time from the relationship, financial challenges for basic needs (food, clothing, housing), or perhaps difficulties with child care (especially for children with special needs). For some it could be society pressures such as your community disapproving of your relationship because of differences in race or religion. It could even be state sponsored forces such as laws against homosexuality or trans people.
Yes, im not forcing my mate to fight because stress and anger makes you less healthy. Fighting is some american bs they think everything is better when you fight, it’s not actual helpful usage of the word fight.
Cancer is trying to kill you. The opposite of “fighting” is “surrender”. Its useful in that context for a fight against cancer. Not considering that as a threat that needs to be fought seems fatalistic. To each their own.
It’s not, it’s your own body’s cells that “forgot” their not supposed to grow too much. They’re just trying to grow. But idk a lot of humans seem to need some “enemy” to fight. You just don’t have to look at the world that way. It’s a very americanized way of looking at things.
It’s cell banditry.
It’s not, it’s your own body’s cells that “forgot” their not supposed to grow too much. They’re just trying to grow. They’re just trying to grow. But idk a lot of humans seem to need some “enemy” to fight. You just don’t have to look at the world that way.
If that helps you to look at it that way as you watch your loved one grow weaker and wither away, more power to you. I don’t know if you’ve had a loved one that has gone through this, but I really do believe its a fight because at the lowest point it is much easier to give up and die than endure some of the horrible pain that comes along with this kind of…for you I’ll call it a “condition” instead of a fight. The person with cancer has to choose to continue to struggle against their own body trying to kill itself, and its not a choice like deciding what color shirt to wear that day. The gravity and impact of the decisions, and the endurance of the pain are much closer to a “fight” than any other word I can think of.
Again, though, if it helps you to see it as some calm or nature process that isn’t a fight, continue to do that for yourself.
People change, and you change, over the years. And over time life can throw a lot of shit your way. Love is easy when it’s just dates in your free time, or if you’re long distance and every visit is a little vacation. When every encounter is a special little event.
Not everyone changes. Some people do the same shit for decades and they abhor novelty and change.
I’m dating in my 40s… many of the women I meet have been doing the same shit for 20+ years and do not want to change anything about their life and have zero interest in trying new things or adapting to someone else. I find it terrifying… it reminds me of my parents who did nothing with their lives.
Some people value duration in relationships, others don’t. There’s not one, right way to be in a relationship, and one isn’t better than the other.
I didn’t make some objective judgement one way or the other. I laid out reasons why a relationship may take “fighting”, work, or effort that wouldn’t be as necessary in shorter term relationships. I also stated my preference for longer term ones.
That said, I think it may be a little telling that you jumped to defend your lifestyle choices when they weren’t attacked.
I guess that’s my point i was making in this thread, conflating effort and fight is a big problem in US culture and a foundation of the kill or be killed mentality.
you cant just go forcing something if it’s just not right"
To quote the great philosopher Peter Griffin : “Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit”
I will credit their success to the cat.
Yeah sometimes you must fight. Just not them, but yourself. To become better, to become what they deserve and to match what they give you.
That approach works well until you run into somebody that isn’t doing the same. Once that happens it’s just a recipe for being gaslit that you’re not doing enough.
Finding the balance between what you need to give and what you should demand isn’t easy, but it certainly isn’t this one-sided.
That’s why commitment is the better word than fighting. In get the intent of the original statement and would agree, but its sort of a bumper sticker version of reality (to be fair, internet memes are essentially that).
To your point, both people need to view relationships in the same manner and value, and then commit to it. That’s where the power is. And no matter what, you know neither of you is giving up and leaving. Its foundational to everything.
We’re doing this life together, so that means we’re sticking together.
It never needs to be proven that we could go away. We know, and that’s why.
Nah bro.
I’m fucking tired.
Sometimes is not worth fighting for.
Sometimes it isn’t, and it takes wisdom to see whether or not it’s worth it.
I’ve been there, exhausted, stressed, done. I’m so grateful I walked away. Being single was better than that relationship by the end, but it also put me in a position to find a relationship that’s been worth every struggle it’s imposed on me.
Good luck
They got one pillow which means they ain’t even moved in with each other yet they’re already having problems? Doomed, I’d say.
For a longterm relationship to really work, in my experience of 7 years, you must sometimes fight with the person you love as well. It is not the most important thing and in mass much more attention and sacrifice is needed than fighting. But even the other person will appreciate it, if you will fight them a bit, when you feel they temporaly abandoned the relationship or common goals. If you truly love someone, then you hope you will not need to fight them, but you are also ready to do it, for them, for the relationship. Anyway that is my two cents.
It sounds like what you are describing is just “you need good communication”, which I agree with. I very much disagree with the notion that “you must sometimes fight with the person you love”.
Having a relationship with a merman would be a lot of work.
Why couldn’t the fish part be on the top and man part be on the bottom?!
But should it stop us from trying?
Depends if you’re top or bot
Wait, where the fuck are the cats this morning?
Emphasis on two
Toxic shit they teach women so they “fight” to put up with neglectful men
Even healthy relationships need work, that being said you should never stay in an unhappy one
Work != Fight
A lot of single people think any effort means the relationship is a failure.
They idealize this as an ‘effortless’ relationship… which usually is just a product of them being deeply selfish people who think their needs are all that matters. Typically, it’s the ‘if he wanted to he would’ crap, which is just ‘my partner should read my mind at all times’ toxic mentality.
it’s the ‘if he wanted to he would’ crap
That’s entirely true. wasted my 20s and nost of my 30s in effort intensive relationships because i thought i wasnt being a good enough boyfriend but the reality is i just didn’t want to do those things for my exes, I didn’t really love them like that. I just saw they were wonderful people and wanted them for that, but now im in a six year relationship and i never once felt like i had to make an effort. It just pops into my head to buy her flowers randomly and i do it joyfully, zero effort. I actually have to put in effort to spend less money on her that’s the only effort i put in to the relationship, reminding myself we need to save and not to spend too much on her now.
You sound like a jerk, frankly.
Jerks make excuses for themselves like this, and reduce everything to their ‘feelings’. Your current girlfriend isn’t magically different than your exes, you probably just find her hotter and work harder for her, and you should have never dated those other women in the first place if you were not attracted to them.
Super common to find people who hate their partners or aren’t attracted to them who refuse to make any effort because of that. It’s usually because they are lazy and lack accountability, and often blame their partner for their lack of effort.
Attraction has little to do with it, attraction is just whether you want to have sex with that person the first time. After that, every other quality becomes way more important.
There’s no excuses being made, i dated people took a while to figure out what i wanted in a relationship, and now i have it.
Of course there’s nothing magical about my partner because magic is nonsense. She’s just the right partner for me.
And yeah idk i think you’re really confused about what effort means. You can get a lot done effortlessly if you feel good about it. Yes, feelings are important, in fact feelings are the only thing that ever made any human do anything.
But i spent incredible amounts of effort on my exes and it didn’t work out because we weren’t exactly right for each other. All the effort in the world won’t help you do more than survive for the next day, whether it’s love work or anything else.
It’s both. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of fighting for a relationship that isn’t worth the effort, of doing too much and putting up with too much. But also, great relationships don’t just happen when two compatible people get together. You have to intentionally grow and change and become right for each other. You’ll have fights and idiosyncrasies that you have to work through. You’ll have to grow and change and compromise as well as figuring out how not to do it too much.
A happy marriage is a long term collaborative project. But the individuals have to understand when it isn’t something that’s on the table and learn to walk away. I’m radically pro divorce and also happily married.
