lol!

It feels pretty easy when all you have to do is observe and give occasional instructions.

When you have well-developed muscles, a thing can be trivial to accomplish for which others struggle.

On the flip-side, if you refuse to do a thing because it is hard, you never develop the muscles that make the job easier.

However you slice it, I’m sensitive to a trend of “This is too hard!” that stands in for “Someone should do this for me!” (or “I shouldn’t have to do this at all”), often without the thing being complained about in the mention.

Unfortunately, some people will still think a headache is painless because they are not the one experiencing it.

My mom used to have sudden-onset headaches and dizzy spells. And I remember growing up, picking up more and more of an adult role to compensate for her infirmities. Eventually, she figured out a routine of medication and habit that helped minimize the pain. And I was happy to help her along the way, until she was on her feet and able to take care of herself and the household at large without me being at her side constantly.

Then I started dating and met someone who also regularly complained of sudden onset headaches. And, initially, I was incredibly sympathetic. I leapt to help. I offered time to relax and whatever they needed to heal. I - again - started picking up a bunch of extra chores and tasks to afford a loved-one an opportunity to recover. But when the onsets became difficult to manage, I started suggesting things they could do that helped my mom that this person found annoying and patriarchal. And that turned headaches - particularly ones that I wasn’t able to adequately provide support for - into relationship disputes. Eventually, we broke up over the fighting that precipitated from me saying “We need a long term solution” and getting vitriol back in response.

So I don’t think headaches are painless. But I also don’t think “I’m entitled to your care, not your input” ends well for anyone involved.

It can be anything which includes a step my brain wants to avoid, even things I want to do.

The thing I want to avoid is often linked to a negative emotion or anticipation of a negative experience (especially conflict or boredom), or a step that I think will be annoying and difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. I can’t always articulate why starting something feels like I have to scale a mountain but I know that anything I can’t start immediately just becomes harder as more time passes.

Some recent examples include:

• My brother has asked me to scan and send him a document. It’s been a week and I think of it every day but I still haven’t done it because the 1st step involves digging through a pile of papers that induce guilt because in 2.5 years I still haven’t sorted them out. So I think, “I can sort the papers at the same time”, and instead do nothing.
• I haven’t checked my post in 3 weeks. The bigger the pile becomes, the harder it is to start. I’m sure it includes bills that are now overdue, so combination of boredom avoidance and shame.
• I really want to start a dance class but need to organise a dog sitter for my puppy first (too young to stay alone for now). A dogsitter I can trust? So hard. I haven’t even tried.

the example that spawned this post was “Just apply for jobs, it’s simple!” said to me by a friend (who is also non-NT and ought to know better)

Aside from the fact that online job applications are very much not simple anymore, what was hurtful to me was her dismissing the fact that I struggle with it (in my case I struggle to start the applications because I dread them, but fortunately I can finish them in a reasonable time frame once I start)

Someone observing me apply for a job would watch me go get my laptop, boot it up, open the bookmarks folder and click an application link I’ve saved, spend 10–30 min filling out a form (based on how complex the bullshit is that the company wants), review my entries for mistakes, and submit. And all of that looks simple, it’s just a person working on the computer right?

But the invisible struggle is all in my head. The several hours beforehand of “I really need to apply for jobs but also there are a million other fires in my life I need to put out first. Some of those fires are not that urgent but they’re in the same room as I am right now, and putting one of those out feels less guilt-inducing than continuing to sit here paralyzed by my ineptitude at prioritizing. Oh wait that fire over there actually is urgent fuck shit I forgot about that—” all of this accompanied by intense guilt and shame because I’m surrounded by people who also don’t visibly struggle with this, either because they’re neurotypical or like me their struggle is internal.

Hope this provides helpful insight. You’re a good father/husband for seeking out ways to better understand your family members’ challenges! :)

Big tasks that require multiple steps that each may have different ways to tackle it. Think about Hal in Malcolm in the Middle trying to change a lightbulb but attempting every other thing he comes across along the way because it inconvenienced the previous action. Those with ADHD can run these possibilities and things that need to be to be done first to make another thing more efficient or easier in their head, along with every currently thinkable permutation of how they can be done. We struggle with finding where to draw the line and to decide to leave the plan and just act upon how it is at the moment. It can be very overwhelming and that’s before an action has even been taken.

Man, I wish to fuck is was “invisible” —instead of screaming loudly from every pore and action, that I alone am the odd one out and it’s only a matter of time before I confirm that hunch for those within earshot. 🥹😬🤷🏼‍♂️