Hello everyone. I’m aware I haven’t really spent any time here on the site in many months. It’s a long story. But I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I have little reasons left to live, and my body feels like It’s dying.

Put aside the fact that I’ve been quietly working towards my goal of getting from Texas to Chengdu.

I recently started speaking with someone. A fellow Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss fan, on Reddit. I know this sounds like a punchline, but I swear it’s not.

I started speaking and roleplaying with her, back in January. And she and I have shared almost EVERYTHING together. She apparently lives in the U.K., and she is also on the autistic spectrum and otherwise other forms of neurodivergent.

This might seem like stupid, childish, irrelevant bullshit, but it isn’t.

I’m 99 percent sure she recipcrocates romantic feelings for me, but because of familial abuse, living in the shithole U.K., her narcissistic friend group, etc, she has denied her feelings for me.

She’s told me before a few times that we are “just friends”, and I totally would normally respect that, but my grandparents, and even a psychiatrist of my mine, think that is total bullshit.

She has blocked my main Discord account and come back FOUR separate goddamn times! And eventually after every single block, SHE CAME BACK and apologized and admitted she overreacted or was in the wrong, and it was only when I said something “too real” that she would block and come back.

Some other incidents and context;

She heavily “stans” the character Lute, though in more of a personal way, not a way that justifies her genocidal actions.

I once complimented a Lute cosplayer on Reddit, and Cassi FLIPPED HER SHIT and accused me of “using” her or finding another Lute, and blocked me. I used my alt Discord to message her and apologize (which I shouldn’t have had to do) and said it was just a compliment, and that even though we are just friends, I still care alot about her and love speaking with her, even platonically, and she apologized and unblocked me.

Later, she actually unblocked me and invited me to a custom Lute/Hazbin discord server she made. I actually knew she created the server for about a week before, but I didn’t want to join at first, because of the risk of bad blood, but Cassi insisted and practically begged me to join, so I did for her sake. And while I was part of the server for a few short weeks, everyone actually LOVED me and thought of me as the proverbial Team Dad, and Cassi actually messaged me and asked me if I liked the other members of the server better, and admitted she was jealous of me talking to others. I told her that while I liked the server, I was primarily there for her, which she seemed to be relieved by. Though she tried to walk back her jealousy claim and say it was about people leaving her “in general”. She then deleted that comment and said she didn’t want to elaborate.

She told me once that she reads “smut” whenever she feels down, before deleting it and saying she didn’t want to elaborate.

Furthermore, when I was frustrated with Reddit at one point, I said “fuck me in the ass” and Cassi said “Bet”.

She also told me once that even though she thinks of herself as Lute, that she doesn’t view her in a sexual way, and it weirds her out when people think of her that way, but simultaneously told me that she would “do” herself.

She would also come crying to me in the middle of the night, about several of her roleplay accounts being deleted by Reddit, or about how she missed seeing Stolas in a new episode of Helluva Boss.

She confided to me in the server, and to everyone else, but she seemed to trust me the most, that her parents are horribly abusive (for context, she is 20 and I’m 28. She once said the age difference is too big for us, but it seemed to be cope.) and her mother once DARED Cassi to take her own life. And she has been locked out of her house and ran away a few times.

One time, the “Adam” roleplayers almost got into a public fight over who got to be with Cassi, and one of the Adams, chill as fuck guy by the way, the main one, actually SURRENDERED and said “I’m the better Adam” for Cassi, and Cassi had an infamous freudian slip where she said “I want BOTH of you!”.

I should note, Cassi is aware I’m a communist, she enjoyed the first chapter of my Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss fanfiction I published, with my communist O.C., and she and I have similar moral beliefs.

A day or so later, Cassi privately messaged me, and told me that the night before, she almost attempted suicide by running into traffic, but she was scared that she would survive and endd up paralyzed.

She seemed to be in hysterics and given that my priority was to stabilize her after her almost suicide attempt, I made Cassi an offer to include her in my plans of eventually moving to Chengdu with me. I told her that while I can’t promise anything, I will do my best to coordinate with her, and that I LOVE her and want the best for her, even if it doesn’t involve me.

At first she resisted, which is her right, given I’m probably the ONLY person in her shitty life that has ever given a single shit about her, with no ulterior motives, and said that in a similar situation like this, she was almost raped.

I told her that I’m really fucking sorry that happened to her, and that I can’t imagine what she went through. And that she was free to reject my offer, but it would always remain open. And that even if she does accept my offer, it doesn’t mean she owes me a single goddamn thing or that we are a couple, and she would have every right to give me the proverbial middle-finger and leave me or tell me off in Chengdu, that I just want her happy and safe. And her response spoke volumes;

“Okay”.

Given that the server a day or so before acknowleged that I was Cassi’s boytoy, I figured that in another day or so after thinking, Cassi would admit her feelings and take me up on my offer. But no, that’s when shit went down.

She messaged me a day or so later, saying that she is “back” but wouldn’t talk as much for a while, and I said I was happy she is back and that I was her proverbial anchor.

Cassi had the gall to downplay my efforts to stabilize and save her life, saying I didin’t really help her, and that “Lute helped me” which was a massive fucking cope that I still rolled with, saying she is practically her anyway, and that I at least helped her the second most. I said that unlike people in her life, I’d never use the truth or her feelings against her, and that she needs me just as much as I need her.

I gave her time to think of a response, the better part of 8 minutes, and I was fucking blocked and removed from the server, by her cowardly ass, and/or Memer’s ass. Who is Memer? You’ll find out soon.

I was fucking heartbroken and angry, so I messaged a few of the server members I was friends with and/or that knew Cassi, to fucking hold her accountable for downplaying my actions.

And that’s when some of Cassi’s bootlickers made me enemy number 1.

Memer, Staria, and Section. Memer and Staria are psycho lesbians (I’m bisexual and partially non-binary, and Cassi is pan, despite claiming to be gay/lightly bi, when she first met me.)

Memer is/was Cassi’ best friend in the server and on Reddit, and roleplayed herself and her O.C. as being married to Lute.

After I spoke with Memer, because I thought she would be reasonable, she proceeded to downplay and fucking gaslight me, accusing me of being a creep, and she fucking slandered me.

Because of my own trauma, I took HUNDREDS of screenshots of Cassi and I’s conversations, but I had to spend the better part of an hour caveman uploading them throuugh jury-rigged methods from my phone, and Memer then proceeded to talk more shit, even though I was nothing but respectful, took it on the cheek, and she contradicted herself numerous times, saying that I must be lying about my proof, she didn’t want to see a single one, or that I have no life for allegedly having so many screenshots, even though I despite liars, I had no reason to lie to her, the burden of proof is on me, and until I showed proof, I had nothing to stand on.

I uploaded something like 12 screenshots, showing that Cassi clearly cares about me more than a friend (after all, who blocks someone after 3 minutes without replying because she thinks I hate her, talks about sexual stuff, or comforts her in the middle of the night crying, etc., as only friends?) and Memer proceeded to browbeat me even further and gaslight me, so I told her off and blocked her.

Later that night, as I lay crying, or maybe it was a day after, I was scrolling through instagram, and I found some parasitic douchebags that uploaded dozens of screenshots of my posts going back MONTHS and accuse me of being a stalker or a harasser that strongarmed Cassi into speaking with me in the first place, and insinuated that I was a fucking pedophile for no goddamn reason. I am CONVINCED those goddamn crackers were/are trying to get my to off myself, so that way Cassi would be theirs.

So I created a MASSIVE post on my own Reddit account, because I fucking knew that if I didn’t get out ahead of this, there is a non-zero chance I would be goddamn doxxed or have some psycho try and fucking murder me off spurrious slanderous allegations. I included 18 main screenshots, and FOUR-HUNDRED FIFTY-SIX goddamn screenshots in a Google Drive, to support my claims, and I talked about my experience and perspective and how close to suicide I was.

In my monolith post, I admitted that I wanted to find Memer, and beat her with a goddamn tire iron a few thousand times, while she screamed and begged for the mercy she never gave me, in pure white hot justice. Not killing her, just teaching her a lesson.

I noticed that my post got flagged dozens of times, I’m sure my Memer and her squad, but I just ignored the reports and downvotes. In my post, I say that if anyone has a problem with me or my claims, they can private message me, but I will take screenshots. And NO ONE messaged me, and I kept the comments closed, so I’m 99 percent sure I’m in the right.

For the past 6-ish weeks, my life has been a living goddamn nightmare, where I beg for death every single goddamn day. And Cassi has left dozens of proverbial breadcrumbs, to show she is watching me. I think she is working up the steel to come back and apologize, like the previous 4 times.

She has changed her Discord profile picture and background to bright pink, dozens of times.

Changed her username and later screenname, to shit like “I just want to go back” or “heartless monster” or “wifeless and a fuckup”.

My fanfiction that I sent to multiple people, but primarily Cassi, got a new spike in views, several times over the past 6 weeks, and I’m pretty sure it’s Cassi re-reading it, because she misses me.

We got into a heated argument over Twitter almost 2 weeks ago after she slandered me again, for the huddle douchebags.

She’s made several posts where she says she wants to take her own life, and I intervened personally on an alt rescue account, which she still acted hostile over, yet I don’t care since I stabilized and saved her life again.

Even Memer and Staria, while still breathing (unfortunately) and active, have taken a major backseat and seem to slightly distance themselves from all this, and in the past 2-3 days, Cassi changed her Discord background, icon, and screenname like a dozen goddamn times.

As I said, for the past 6 goddamn weeks, my life has been a living hell. I know what many of you might say. There are other fish in the sea, she doesn’t know what she wants, etc etc. I think most of those are bullshit or irrelevant.

But I almost don’t care about Chengdu anymore. I just want Cassi back.

I’m so goddamn lost and I wish I was dead.