22F.
Therapies and meds are not working for me as I’m resistant to brainwashing.
Whenever I get into a relationship, doesn’t matter how hard I try, I end up attacking the person due self-sabotage episode. I tell horrible things, I hit them from their weakest points (not physically), and during that self-sabotage + adrenaline I take so much pleasure from hurting them like I don’t think I could even get that enjoyment from sex or something.
Before accepting that I should stay away from people, or be very distanced, I thought I can manage it but no, I was wrong. My best effort lasted maximum 5 months. Episode hit again, and I fucked up everything.
Once I sleep and the episode is gone, I wake up with instant regret. I apologize but OTOH everything I said was correct so I can’t really take back what I said anyways LMFAO.
It’s so painful, and I find it crazy that BPD is different from ASPD. Seeing other people living their lives, having a partner, and overall happy hurts so bad. I even become like “oh why don’t I just download a dating app an…” then I remember I have BPD and how I fucked everything before.
Some people are seriously born to be euthanized. Being trans + BPD is a horrible combo. Staying alive is a torture for me since my early childhood.
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One my sisters, who finally burnt the bridge some years ago, is like this. I ended the relationship with her for one reason. She refuses therapy, meds and all proffessional help.
Do you go to therapy? Cuz that’s all I got.
BPD has a stigma, so it might be hard. BPD is a gift of childhood trauma, so I dont understand the stigma, but my therapist treats BPD without stigma when weve talked about it. The symptoms of BPD are treatable with talk therapy, and as you get older the disorder can be “outgrown” in age with talk therapy and 100% honesty with yourself.
Youve recognozied the patterns, how it is effecting your life, and identified the problem. This step, is one so many never make it to. Good on you for recognizing what is happening. That is a strong indication you can learn to cope, and navigate your way to skills for positive change.
If you do have a therapist, but arnt finding them helpful, start looking for a new one. It took me 6 therapist and two years to find one that I thought was a good match, and then another two years before I started recovering for my c-ptsd. A long road.
Life is a long road, so goddamn long, my 22 year old brain couldnt comprehend how fucking long life is. It can get better if you fight for yourself. You’ll need a therapist, maybe join some group therapy, you can recover! Its worth trying!
Taking pleasure in hurting people sounds like narcissism.
Life experience? Finding someone when you’re not looking?
Please check my other comment under this post.
I really think that BPD was a misdiagnosis for me.
I was ignorant about HRT too, and wrong regimen makes you crazy/angry etc.
IDK, I will focus on my post-transition times instead of pre-surgery. I’m feeling very stable now, and I don’t really relate BPD anymore?
Have you done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, it will help you live in a balanced place and learn to break the Feelings, Thought, to Action chain. So you keanto sit with the issue and get through it (with skills traninng)
No, I didn’t. I sometimes think BPD is a misdiagnosis of C-PTSD, and I think my trauma is getting triggered before I go full Karen.
BPD can come from childhood trauma, it is one of its gifts. I have c-pstd, and after a single two hour psych eval, at one point I was slapped with BPD. I feel, a misdiagnosis because I didnt meet a lot of the criteria when I read it, I was never mean to anyone, and it has been removed from my chart after working with my therapist. I do still have the C-pstd.
There is overlap for a lot of these conditions, and diagnosis can be difficult. Many therapists dont even like diagnosing because of this. They just have to mark something down for insurance reasons.
Instead, the way Ive framed my treatment is focusing on the symptoms that cause struggle in life, and treating them. Im not treating my C-PTSD, Im treating, for example, the fact I cant take a shower sometimes without my head going some wierd fucking places. My mind will think my thoughts into tears sometimes in the shower, for whatever reason, I found, playing dancable music when I shower helps to surpress the neg. thoughts that can come. Treating the symptoms, not the diagnosis.
I mean BPD is from trauma or perceived trauma, combined with high emotion sensitivity. It’s possible they overlap a lot in a Venn diagram.
DBT is based on Buddhist philosophies so it can help anyone really.
I need therapy, I am still waiting for next doctor appointment. Talking to them only 30 mins is not enough sadly…
Other thing is, I was using anti-androgen until getting orchiectomy 3 months ago.
After getting orchiectomy and stopping taking them, I’m feeling very stable.
Mood swings didn’t happen. I’m very stable for now.
I forgot to mention it because I’m on anti androgens since December 2022.
Mmmmm, maybe after fixing my life I should try socialising because I’m really doing well actually? I didn’t realise this detail.
They diagnosed me with “BPD” when I was on a shitty horrible HRT regimen too so I think I should just give myself time.
Materialism and having a pet are the only ways to go I guess lol.
The word “schizoid” also fits me very well.
