It’s been a hard year for me. My partner and I broke up early this year which hurt me a lot and I still haven’t really figured out how to manage that, as we do still see eachother and hangout regularly. They act and try to pretend like nothing has changed and we continue all the same rituals. And as foolish as it is I just let it happen because I do still love them.
More recently, I unfortunately lost two family members in less than two weeks, one of which I was present for and held their hand as they passed away. I just don’t really know how to process things like that. How to process loss. How to grieve. Both the death of loved ones and the death of a beloved relationship. I don’t know how to let go. I try to be there for my family, and I’ve done my best. I try to think of the good times, to imagine their smile. But soon enough my mind wanders back to that room and to that moment they died. The moment they stopped moving. I knew it was coming but nothing really prepares you for the moment someone you love stops breathing. The way they just lose their spark and become still. I try to carry on with my life as normal but after awhile my mind drift backs to that room. It makes the things I’m doing feel wrong. If I’m smiling and having fun with friends, it’s like I have to remind myself to be sad. Why should I be happy when a few days ago I lost someone? I try to make the grief I feel my problem, to share it with my family only. Many of my friends don’t even know. But the truth is I don’t even really know how to grieve. I just feel numb and unsettled.
There are other factors to the deaths of my family. Those who died did not know about my transition. I guess they never truly met me and they never will. I knew they’d never understand and that they’d never be supportive but deep down I wonder if I was wrong. I guess I wanted them to pass away with a good impression of me. To think better of me when they passed away and to not assume that the person they loved was some freakish creature. And I’m proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome over the years, I’m not ashamed of who I am. But I do feel like I’ll always regret never knowing for sure. In their final moments they had an impression of me that was untrue. But I just feel bad now, like … how can I grieve someone who wouldn’t support me? I feel as though they would be disappointed in me. I’m not particularly religious, but I do wonder if I’m wrong about that. And somewhere out there they are looking back and I fear it’s not love they feel but it’s just disappointment.
And that’s not even everything that happened this year … I’m so tired.
Now that I’ve rambled a bunch I’d like to ask more directly how do I manage my own grief while also supporting those around me process theirs? How do I let go of the people I love? What do I do in a communal way, when a community member dies or a bond fades away? I apologize for the wall of text, I intended to write something shorter.
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I’m sorry, comrade, this is a lot, at once. Maybe just find time alone, to sit and just feel. Don’t assign guilt or shame, or good or bad or acceptable or unacceptable. Just feel. Cry. Rage. Whatever comes up. You can analyze and process later, as the feelings come up again.
And for a moment of contradiction… Why shouldn’t you feel happiness? Is that something you feel you have to earn? Why?
These questions and answers are for you to consider and answer. Not us. You can share if you feel like it, but in the end, the only opinion that really matters is yours.
Why shouldn’t you feel happiness?
It is also worth considering that those who have passed would also like you to be happy were they here.
I thought of that, but we don’t know.
There are other factors to the deaths of my family. Those who died did not know about my transition. I guess they never truly met me and they never will. I knew they’d never understand and that they’d never be supportive but deep down I wonder if I was wrong.
im gonna say how i personally deal with this but i dont want you to take it to heart or be offended by it. honestly for me the death/loss itself is not the scary part. i have a hopeful view of afterlife, know that ruminating about their last moments or pain is not beneficial and they would want me to be happy. i move on rather quickly. whats scary is how that death changes your life and what it leaves u vulnerable to. if my mom dies i would have to take on so much responsibility and that would be much harder than accepting she died.
its important to realize that EVERYTHING is grief. even you writing this post is grief. you not knowing how to grief, is grief. as for practical advice, when my pet died i looked at photos, i told as many people as i could, made a memorial post on my socials. you grieve with others at the funeral (crying together), talking about your loved one (even a happy conversation), helping each other handle the new affairs/responsibilites you now have if thats the case.
