I’m a 45 y/o man; I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but my son has, and we’re both too similar for me not to be on the spectrum. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD close to ten years ago, though (again, like father like son). I was reheating something in the air fryer, and wasn’t paying attention enough to what I was doing, so my food fell on the floor. I (almost) completely lost it, total meltdown. Angry at myself, angry because I wasted food, and angry because I made a mess that I’d have to clean up. I somehow managed to keep myself from screaming and swearing, and just kinda clenched my whole body to redirect the explosion inside myself. Then I sat down on the floor a couple of minutes, almost in tears because of the intensity of the anger I felt and had to redirect somehow. Came close to crying, as stupid as it sounds. I’m a bit better, now, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed. I mean, I’m 45 for crying out loud, why can’t I control myself over something so trivial as this? Yeah, it’s frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world… I guess I never had the opportunity to develop heathy ways to cope with strong emotions; it’s only been a year or two since I figured I was most probably autistic, so I never really learned how to deal with this. What I find the most frustrating is that I’m usually not an over-reactive person; I’m usually pretty calm even in stressful situations, but sometimes, I just snap. I’ve always hated spilling food, and always over-reacted when it happened, I can’t help it. It gets to my head instantly and the emotion just gets the better of me. I hate it. Being autistic has been a bit like a boon, in certain ways, for many reasons I won’t get into, but it’s also been such a liability in some circumstances… I don’t want to get too deep into how I am, that’s not really the point of my post. I just needed to vent to people who might have lived similar things, I guess. My gf has been so supportive and comprehensive towards me (and my son), but she lacks the neuroflavour to totally understand. But really, she’s been so, so patient with me, and we’ve always worked together to try and bridge the gap between the way we interpret life, even before my self-diagnosis/revelation. Anyways, I guess that’s all I needed to say. Cheers.
I think you know this already, big dog, but you didn’t melt down destructively, and that’s the maturity in action.
I went through a similar ride yesterday making a batch of hot sauce; it even turned out great in the end, but I couldn’t enjoy myself because I felt guilty that I’d gotten flustered and angry in the kitchen.
It’s okay to be human, and you did good. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.
Crying is one of my relief methods currently; I do it a lot. It needs to get out. So I can recommend allowing it to unstress.
We’re not lesser people for facing these challenges and needing coping methods. If anything I try to think we’re fucking heroes playing the game of life in extra hard, which most don’t even know exists.
You’re quite right. For me, crying is something I rarely do, mostly because I find the intensity of it hard to manage/control. Not that I’m bottling anything inside, I just find other ways to express myself which I finds easier to deal with. But yeah, we all need an outlet for how we feel, each in our own ways.
Change the triggers and I could have written this. I have no constructive feedback, blow ups are tough, and I try to talk to my kid about any that they witness, as a learning opportunity at best.
I guess it’s indeed a learning opportunity for me, and also to be able to better support my son when it also happens to him, for different or similar reasons.
I’m 37. I’ve actually had a meltdown so bad I accidentally gave myself a concussion (accidentally smacked my head during a fully body tantrum). Shit sucks. You’re not alone. If you’ve never tried it before (or even if you have) therapy with an autism/ADHD informed therapist can definitely help minimize some of this.
I should definitely try consulting. I’d say work gets in the way, but honestly, it’s mostly a question of breaking my routine of going to work everyday, not work itself. I’m not pro-job and I think everyone (including me) is dispensable, that the job will be done whether or not I’m there, but choosing something that doesn’t fit into my routine is a big work in progress.
Completely understand that. No idea where you live but a lot of therapists near me do hybrid stuff where you can do in office or do it via video call. That helped me a lot working 10 hours a day plus an hour commute each way.
Your brain is vulnerable with emotional regulation, that’s not your fault. You handled the meltdown really well I think.
I guess it’s not my first rodeo, so yeah, you could say I did well, considering how it could’ve turned out. Still, I could live without relatively benign situations driving me up the wall. But thanks for the compliment, I’ll take it!
I’m 40 and I’ve always had similar issues. Just the other day I stumbled upon some interesting information about autism, and went down the rabbit hole. Turns out I meet the diagnostic criteria of the DSM5. Not an official diagnosis but I’m in a similar boat as you.
I dont know if this is useful, but it I perceive it will be easier to strategize around some well defined autistic traits and behaviors than a frustratingly vague acceptance than I’m simply emotionally immature.
Anyway, thanks for the post. Sorry nda like you controlled yourself quite well, just don’t forget that you need an outlet for that anger. Swallowing it will cost you.
I guess you’re right; this anger is part of me, swallowing it will only make things worse. I need to tell myself that at least I’m not expressing it in a toxic or destructive way.
I’m making mini tacos in the air fryer right now. Last week I broke down crying because of all of the stress in my life, then my wife said something almost trivial that sent me into a full meltdown. I’m 46. It’s ok to cry. It can even help sometimes.
Edit: I call them taco nachos!
Yeah, we all need to release our emotions somehow. It’s just hard to find the right balance between expressing ourselves and letting our feelings run amok.
Your taco nachos look delicious, by the way!
It’s just hard to find the right balance between expressing ourselves and letting our feelings run amok.
I have been finding therapy with a neurodivergence affirming therapist good for this. I’m learning to identify when I’m ruminating on something.
I don’t know if this is generally applicable or just useful to describe my own experience, but it takes me longer than I want to move through a bad feeling (or melt down) and the more resistance I have to it, the worse it’s going to be. So sometimes I need to excuse myself to go have a sobbing fit and or just sit in dark silence and that’s okay.
I’m super proud of you for working through and trying to understand what’s going on for you. It’s an amazing skill and something your son will benefit from also!
Thanks a lot! I’m happy therapy works for you. We all need help, sometimes.
This made me hungry and emotional lol
Turned out looking good
almost the exact same thing happened to me less than 2 weeks ago.
also 40s, also unofficially/self-diagnosed.
i couldn’t get over the waste of food and failure in basic motor control… 🤦♂️
like, basic movements/physics don’t deserve to be able to fuck with me!
out of rage, i smashed my fist on the counter, which terrified my dog… 🤦♂️ i felt bad about that but i was still so offended at life that i couldn’t comfort the dog for a while… my wife tried to reassure me but i couldn’t stop saying and believing i was a piece of shit…
i feel like it’s part RSD, part PDA, and part CPTSD… whatever it is, it is a damn horrible feeling
I get what you mean. This kind of neurodivergence rarely comes alone, sadly… It can be hard pinpointing where our feelings/reactions come from.
We’re too hard on ourselves.
You’re right, but we have to; we can’t let ourselves get disorganised every time something bad happens to us. It’s far too easy to just roll with it and say we can’t help it, but we need to be better than this. I know it’s hard to find the right balance between acknowledging our shortcomings and beating ourselves up over them, though.
I can only speak about myself but I ended up exactly where multiple therapists told me I would so I don’t think it’s that uncommon:
I goofed up my nervous system real bad but pushing through for 40+ years and just trying to work harder and longer to make up for my limitations. I’ve been off work since May and am just starting the process of returning and figuring out accommodations (which sure feels like it’s going to send me right back off work 😅).
I used this analogy right before I went off work: I ran a marathon once. I was absolutely determined to finish. (I did training programs, and had done several half marathons over a few years so I didn’t just show up off the street lol). Turns out I had injured my foot quite badly during the race and just tuned it out. It wasn’t a conscious choice. I’m still dealing with the impact of the injury 8 years later!
I have a very hard time with interoception which allows me to just push through stuff, but it has caught up to me. I don’t think acknowledging barriers and limitations (prefer not to use shortcomings, personally!) is bad, because it allows us to work around them.
The accommodations I’m asking for are reasonable, general good business practice, and are even already built into our contracts with external parties, like meeting agendas distributed before meetings and minutes provided after. I shouldn’t have to grind my nervous system into a pulp because I need minutes to refer to what decisions were made and when, furiously making my own notes while still being expected to participate and make decisions during these meetings, then spend time afterwards trying to tidy them up so they are useful later, all while my nervous system is screaming.
Yeah, it sucks to have to admit I’m not super human. But what I was doing before isn’t sustainable.
You’re right, the word ‘limitation’ sounds better than ‘shortcomings’; it’s the difference between ‘struggling with’ and ‘not being able to’, which is more in line with what’s really happening. Makes it easier to work around it and prevents us from beating ourselves up constantly and thinking we’re always failing when all we need is more time (and sometimes effort) than neurotypical people.
I found myself getting I to spirals of “that needs to be done e but it’s too small” the. It grows and suddenly it’s a whole thing and I don’t want to start it if I can’t finish it.
It’s almost never as bad as I think it’ll be… and while I do t get a dopamine hit from it like some do, I get a weight lifted which makes it easier to think. (Just thinking aloud, mostly, sorry)
That alright, sometimes all we need is to externalize what we think or feel inside, and I think it can be easier here, with people we share similar experiences with, even if we’re all strangers to one another. If anything, I think it’s even easier specifically because of this.
