This whole post is just going to be me complaining, as I donāt really need advice, I just want to air the feelings Iāve had the last few weeks. Thereās also a lot of talk about weed.
I havenāt drank alcohol for 25 months now according to this app I have. It feels good, Iām healthier for it, and I donāt plan to start any time soon. Over that time I have continued to consume/smoke weed. Itās not great as it fills a similar hole as alcohol, but at least it wonāt kill me the way alcohol killed my dad.
Iām now a few weeks into a two month break from weed to clear out my system to maximize my sperm count to freeze my sperm so I can start HRT without reservation, and itās been weird. Iāve had a couple dreams where I got through drinking part of a can of beer. I get through part of it, realize I have to reset my counter, panic and start to grieve a little, then wake up and calm down as I realize it didnāt actually happen.
But the craving for some sort of inebriation is there. I organized my fraternityās Founderās Day event last weekend, and of the 11 RSVPs (already the lowest count Iāve seen) only 7 showed up. That was stressful and I couldnāt help feeling guilt. All I wanted was to put back a couple so I wouldnāt be able to feel those feelings, but I didnāt.
The thought has kept crossing my mind that I hate being sober. I hate dealing with my life stressors āthe right way.ā Itās probably a sign that itās a good thing that I am sober, but itās annoying. The anhedonia from stopping weed has started to ease up, but thereās a part of me that keeps looking forward to that next hit.
At least for today though, Iām not drinking and Iām not getting high. If you got through all that, thanks for reading.
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I want to offer words of support. I commend you for not drinking and for taking a break from weed. Both are great for your official and mental health.
In a poor analogy, you can think of weed as very soft and comfy shoes. You remove them after a long time and you are now walking bare foot. Itās bound to hurt and be uncomfortable. But youāll build your calluses back, and itāll get better. In the mean time, eyes on the goal and cheers for your achievements!
Rock on!
Edit: What I mean is - thanks for sharing, and I respect your efforts.
In the early days, when Iād stopped drinking ājust for a month, yeah, see what happens?ā I once woke up, absolutely furious with my partner, completely livid, because heād given me wine in my dream.
Poor guy was blamelessly asleep in his own bed on the other side of London at the time, and had been nothing but supportive of my not drinking.
Brains are weird. They use dreams to work out stuff while youāre not looking.
No advice. Just encouragement. Less time at it than you but I too get the urge to have alcohol from time to time. Usually when I am stressed and want to use it to enable shutdown. Keep fighting your personal fight to stay sober and congratulations on taking a run at weed.
Thanks for posting this. I appreciated reading it.
Dreams like that are really common. Iāve had dreams about my ex, about friends long gone, about my old martial arts training. Itās your brain trying to process the subconscious feelings, whatever they might be.
Adding into that, getting off of substances is hard, or anything that becomes emotional regulation. Youāre getting hit by a 2 for 1 here, and old patterns of coping will turn up.
Youāre managing though, and thatās huge. The fact you didnāt fall off the wagon is astronomical to me. It wonāt always be easy, but youāre on the path. Some days will be easier, some much harder, but little by little it will get better. And I personally believe thatās worth working towards.
Proud of you friend.
