My friend John mentioned that he has been feeling depressed lately. There have been some bad things in his logs that would make anyone sad but the things that normally bring him happiness aren’t doing anything for him lately. It’s something he has struggled with in the past. He has a counselor and has been prescribed anti-depressants. I’m not worried about him harming himself.
My understanding is that part of being a friend to someone facing depression is reaching out to spend time with them.
How much should I reach out? I don’t want to harass him, and he has a wife and other friends (that are emotionally closer than me). His wife for sure knows what’s going on, but I’m not sure about his other friends (our kids go to the same school so I actually see him more then most of his friends).
I understand that sometimes depressed people neglect chores in their life, should I ask his wife if there’s anything I could help him/them with?
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How much should I reach out?
Reach out as often as you’d like but do it in a way that he won’t feel bad for declining.
“Hey we’re having a game night on Friday. Do you wanna join us?”
“No, decline, etc”
“That’s alright man let me know if you change your mind”
I’m not sure how to handle ghosting, like if you’ve invited him to several things and he hasn’t responded. It’ll be harder for him to text back because he has a debt of texts that he would have to address (he doesn’t have to, but a reasonable person would feel obligated).
should I ask his wife if there’s anything I could help him/them with?
This is a tricky one because if she says yes and you show up to take some of his chores, he may feel guilty for neglecting them. You could phrase it as repayment of a favor he did for you, like “the time he gave you a ride” or some shit.
An easy way to help is to bring a ready-to-bake dish like lasagna (preferably homemade) or something. You don’t even need to say why you’re doing it, other than he’s a good friend to you.
I’d also say this is the correct approach. Start by just being there for him. I wouldn’t pressure depressed people. They might already be stressed anyways. That might extend to just accepting an invitation. Or it might not, that is different for everyone.
But giving him some small things he can enjoy might be a start. Company, maybe food, or something to escape the current situation. I like to ride the bicycle to clear my mind. But it’s not really the season for that right now, if you live on the northern hemisphere.
Tell him you love him (add a no homo if you must), and send him memes or photos of stuff you know he likes (“hey, i saw this object and it made me think of you”)
You don’t have to do the “is there anything you need?” texts, because for me at least, depression makes me feel like a burden, and constantly getting “are you ok, how you doing, you need anything?” texts made me feel like i was in the way and not worthy of help, and therefore I declined any invitation of help.
For me, depression makes me want to be invisible to avoid confrontation and judgement, so every “how you doing?” text feels like a bullet. But the “cat did something stupid, here’s a video” texts are easier to interact with, because I’m not having to put on a brave face, while also rejecting help.
Deep conversation is possible (real talk) but he has to be receptive. Be neutral. There’s a meme joke about not wanting help, just listen to me complaining, and he sounds like he needs to vent without judgment or “well have you tried x, y or z” talk. If/when he does open up, pretend you’re a talking wall, sturdy, stable, but capable of just listening and being there.
I had a friend go through some pretty major trauma recently. Sending them memes and pet pictures was something they said was really helpful. I also reminded them that they didn’t need to actually reply to any of it.