Some days i feel good but why can’t my mind accept that he was keeping me as a backup while telling me he loved me? Was i really that bad to deserve being treated like a second option? I genuinely loved him. What can i do now? Those memories of him talking to someone else feel like a cage i can’t escape.
I can’t accept that his cheating was his fault…Why do i still blame myself and feel like i wasn’t enough…
Why cant i stop questioning my worth…
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It’s kind of terrifying how that works, your feelings for someone and how they treat you directly inform your sense of who you are and what is real, which can’t really be rationalized away. Wish I knew a direct solution, but the best I got is that the further separated from the person you are in time space and attention, the less relevance those thoughts seem to have. I still think about or have nightmares about my ex sometimes and feel that kind of stuff though, and it’s been a lot of years at this point.
Because we are all still inherently insecure social animals that have been trained by society to value ourselves based upon how we think others see us. It’s a losing proposition because it puts control over your emotional well-being almost entirely in the hands of other people - the large majority of which are too self-absorbed to put you first.
If you were to blame in any way, then it’s most likely for not believing in yourself enough for him to take you seriously. He knew you were dependent upon him for your self-worth, so he knew he didn’t have to do anything to earn your affection. It’s kind of hard to view someone as worthwhile when they don’t even see themselves that way.
You need to respect yourself first and foremost before anyone else can be expected to do the same. Stop looking for validation from others, and start knowing that you are a good person worthy of respect. Anyone who doesn’t see that within you can go take a flying leap & ultimately probably isn’t someone worth worrying about.
So are you saying i somehow deserved to be treated that way because i was insecure and dependent on him? I understand that i lacked self worth, but does that make his cheating and treating me like a second option my fault? If I wasn’t dependent on him for validation would he have never cheated and stayed with me?
Btw thank for replying…I agree with what you’re saying. I understand that i need to work on my self worth and stop depending on others for validation.
There’s a reason I started that paragraph with “if you were to blame.” He bears responsibility for his choices - he obviously didn’t respect you enough to treat you with the dignity everyone deserves, although that may also indicate a certain level of immaturity, or lack of empathy for others in general.
I honestly tend to doubt you’d even feel the way you have about him if you truly believed in yourself. This all tends to happen subconsciously, but you both were likely using each other for differing reasons - he told you what you wanted to hear so he could get some easy action, you got to hear the things you wanted to hear to feel better about yourself.
The problem isn’t really much different from drug addiction. The “feel good” isn’t based upon a solid internal foundation, but an external “hit” that is temporary, and fades ever more quickly each time you get it. So you need it more often, and more strongly - making you “needy and clingy,” which makes you a drag on the person giving it to you.
You’ve got to “get clean,” and rebuild your self-image from a position of knowing nobody is better than anybody else - which means nobody is better than you, and you’re not worth any less than anybody else. Build your self-image upon knowing that basic truth, and you’ll eventually feel much better about yourself.
Yk, I loved him so much that i slowly lost myself trying to please him. I kept putting his needs before mine adjusting and making efforts to keep him happy. And deep down, i know he never put in the same level of effort.
People keep saying that if I hadn’t made him the centre of my world and given him everything so freely, he wouldn’t have taken me for granted or left me.
Or maybe he has never cheated or maybe we would have been happy if i had stayed longer, but the moment i caught him, he dumped me. Just a minute before that, he was talking about our future and telling me how much he loved me.
