I really want to move. I already had quite a big move somewhat recently, and it was an upgrade in a lot of ways. But it was a significant downgrade in community. I had lots of people where I used to live and I miss them. One of my good friends passed away after I moved and I wasn’t able to attend the funeral. I just feel so isolated from everyone I care about.

There’s no goddamn fuckin’ gay people in this town and it’s exhausting trying to find cool people to hang out with. I want to have a family and friends and community but there’s nothing for me here. All my favorite people in the world are nowhere near me. My best friend is halfway across the country. My closest sibling is about the same distance. I have no one here. I was kinda forced here by a bunch of aligned unfortunate circumstances but I want to leave so bad.

I want to find people I genuinely deeply care about and who genuinely deeply care about me and I want to be around them and cherish them. I want to have a family. I want to maybe find romantic love. And I’m just never going to find any of that here. I don’t feel cared about by the people I’m around, and it’s fucking impossible to find the right people here.

At the same time, I feel paralyzed. There are a few places I’m thinking about moving to, but I’m going to need roomies, and that’s terrifying. I’m paralyzed with the fear of having to find room mates and I’m not sure how to push through that. It’s a fear that just feels so insurmountable and I have no idea how to approach it. It’s terrifying and I fear that I might never actually move because of that, even though I really want to.

And even if I do move, how do I guarantee that I even am able to meet anyone there? What if I’m just as alone there as I am here? Am I just destined for feeling alone my whole life? I have my issues with the people around me now, but at least I have them. If I move I’ll have no one. I’ll have to start over completely from scratch, and that’s terrifying.