I don’t really know why, but this evening while being frustrated at a parent for them being extremely difficult as they rapidly age, I got really emotional thinking about the therapy thing where you identify and acknowledge your own irrational counterproductive feelings while thinking of how your upbringing conditioned you into having them, and then doing an imaginary dialogue with your child self and telling them how those negative thoughts and shit aren’t really their fault and you love and accept them for who they are and so on and so on 
That got me really fucked up for awhile about how a lot of my mental health issues are downstream from that kind of weird unspoken structure of cis/het normative parenting where your lib normie parents might be supportive of LGBTQIA rights in the abstract and are on fairly good terms with their lesbian sister, but it’s like they both knew you seemed kinda z e s t y since you were a toddler, and you always felt pressured to “be normal” growing up and how that repressed and fucked you up into your late teens.
I got really emotional imagining what it’d be like growing up in a culture where queerness was completely destigmatized, or having parent(s) who were LGBTQIA and never made you feel like you ever had to repress parts of your identity to just “be normal,” and now I’m just feeling shitty imagining better timelines and better versions of myself with way fewer psychological hangups and way more happiness.
Sorry for the sad post blog shit, I just kinda felt like I had to scream into the void somewhere
I’ve gone on record of saying that most people would be some form of bi / pan if we didnt live in a society
that was so murderously cishet, but who knows, maybe I’m being too optimistic. 
Anyway, I also dreamed of having two LGBTQIA parents of some sort when thinking back on my own childhood and teenage years. It’s not like the pressure to be normal is malicious, I know dad was bullied for going to high school with red jeans once (he never wore them again), it was too zesty for the boys. so that would and has changed his life. Only in recent years he’s allowed himself to get ear piercings and shit.
ok i don’t know where i was going with this, but yeah…uhh i get it
It’s weird too, being hyper-attennued to queer and neurodivergent shit, I’m fairly confident both of my parents are on the spectrum and I probably am too despite never being officially diagnosed. They both have a ton of autistic and ADHD symptoms but are convinced they’re “normal” and that just wasn’t a thing for them growing up unless they were non-verbal or pyromaniacs. A lot of my childhood makes a lot more sense through the lens of me being undiagnosed autistic and queer since I learned how to walk based on some funny early childhood stories from my mom. So much of my frustration is based in knowing how obvious everything about me growing up would have been to anyone that knew what to look for and what could have been.
Nothing good can come from thinking about what could’ve been.
i get it though
Thanks. I’ve gotten better about “coulda/shoulda/woulda” stuff over time broadly, but I had a really vivid dream recently about how I would’ve liked to have been in my teens and me and my crush from then and me falling in love and ending up together despite that really not really registering to me for like 15 years that really fucked me up.
most people would be some form of bi / pan if we didnt live in a society that was so murderously cishet
I totally agree with this, but mainly because gender presentation is so strict today. In a world where gender expression was a lot more fluid and cisheternormativity was not upheld violently, everyone would at some point be attracted to someone who’s gender they don’t know or doesn’t match their idea of gender. Blurring the lines would make basically everyone pan imo, its hard to imagine a cis man being raised outside of cishet norms and still only ever feeling attraction to feminine cis women.
