I was meant to record a segment for a radio program to discuss some of the unique implications that being trans can have for your mental health. We’d decided to talk a bit about how I’d ended up getting an ADHD diagnosis as a result of starting feminizing hormones, they’d made it significantly worse and I was struggling to keep up with daily life.
Now I’ve ended up having to put that recording off for a while because I was struggling with some pretty severe depression, but it seems like this is probably borderline personality disorder. I saw a few Reddit posts where some said they’d had noticed theirs get worse after starting hrt and I’m wondering if anyone here has experienced anything like this, or knows about research into it?
Could be any disorder or condition, it’s all good to know about as there doesn’t seem to be that much info out there beyond people’s experiences, it could help others to hear yours. (I’ll add mine to the comments)
I won’t share any details on that program beyond what I get your consent for or anything reasonably vague such as “I spoke to x other people who’ve had similar experiences.”
When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn’t have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I’d anticipated.
The suspected BPD is new. I’ve had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I’ve exhibited a lot of behaviour that I’m now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I’ve got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn’t get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn’t visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn’t recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I’ve just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I’m alone and can’t stop my brain. This is totally new, I’ve never ended a relationship while still in love, I’ve never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I’ve never idolised someone to this point. I’ve no clue if it’s from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.
It sucks.
I’m not on HRT and I’m still learning about it. I’m a newbie. But as someone who has struggled with depression, I advocate constantly for therapy. I feel like hormones have got to impact your brain chemistry in a myriad of ways. If you can afford therapy (if you’re not still going) and checking in with your doctor, I think that would be a good idea.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Don’t forget to reach out to your support system. Sometimes a coffee date with an old friend or a call to a family (chosen or not) can be just as healing as an hour of therapy. I hope you know people care about you and you matter.
Oh I’m booked in with my old therapist as of today, we’ll be starting soon. Thanks for the concern, I’ll be staying with family for a while so I’ll be okay.
And btw hrt has still given me mostly very positive mental changes, as fucked as this has been I don’t regret starting one bit.
I am so relieved to hear you’re stable and getting help. I shared my story, and we hit some of the same pot holes, so I get how it feels to think “This is/was not who I am.”
A little unsolicited but hopefully okay advice: Therapy is the best route, just be open and honest, even about the cringe. Also: If you’re not comfortable with any therapist, it’s okay and -encouraged- to speak up and even find a new one if needed.
That being said… If you ever need advice or some more… “guerilla” tactics… feel free to message me!
Thanks again, I really appreciate it. I’ve been pretty lucky and my old psychologist had space for another client so I get to resume with someone I already trust and who was there to help me through all my previous relationship trauma. I’m in good hands.
I’ll absolutely be completely honest, I’ve no real reason to hide anything anyway, I’m pretty dedicated to being happy.