I have one sibling with confirmed BPD and another “on the BPD spectrum” as I put it, and I’m certain I’m on that spectrum as well.

About 8 months after starting HRT and formally beginning to transition socially I started to care about myself for the first time I can remember.

A family member who worked at a “fun” SF startup’s call center kept asking me to apply. I really didn’t want to, because I knew I’d probably hate it. But I was working a dead end, barely above minimum wage job, so one day I just decided to take a chance.

I went from a very low social contact job to a call center for a west coast startup where the average person is at least 10 years younger than me…

…just as I began to socially transition. Maybe not the best idea in hindsight.

The next three and a half years are the most cringeworthy memories a person can possibly have. I was completely not myself…

Prior to taking HRT, I’d “fallen in love” with the most unavailable people. But I knew how to keep my mouth shut because I didn’t want to mess up the friendship. I never stopped loving them, I’d just control myself about it.

But at that job… I “Fell in Love” with, amongst -several- others, a guy like 8 years younger than me, and with him I just could not take no for an answer. Every call, every text… Trying to justify my worth, begging for him to just “Give me a chance and you’ll see how amazing we are.” In hindsight it didn’t help that I think he was stringing me along for the validation.

After about 2 years of this he called me up after work. Told me I was a “shit person” (he wasn’t wrong, but that stung pretty bad), and told me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I can’t even remember what it was about, because I was so self obsessed at the time. I just remember how much it hurt. But after that, I just left him alone. No talking shit, no drama whatsoever. After about a year, I’d go on to destroy almost every friendship I made in those three and a half years and get myself fired.

The pandemic and becoming politically aware was what it took to finally start to “wake me up.” In 2022 I lost the only family relationship I had left… Not over politics, but by having my political views outright dismissed. Being called a conspiracy theorist (Because I was saying what’s happening was going to happen), and being told that being targeted by some percentage of the population was something I’d just have to accept because nothing can be done about it. (he technically wasn’t wrong, but that stung pretty bad, lol) I shook his hand that day and told him to have a good life, then stabbed him with an emotional dagger as he walked out. I needed to make sure I could never fix it. And I’m pretty sure it worked.

That’s what it took to get me to realize I had to fix it, whether I had healthcare or not. So I started learning about mental health, which was easier because I already had an interest in it. Then, in 2023 I was listening to a Stuff You Should Know about mental illness. They were talking about BPD and I was half listening until they said something like “Wow, it sounds like a literal medieval curse!” … I have always felt like there was a curse or something on my family, so I re listened to that part and they explained so much of what I’d gone through. My diagnosed sibling too.

No official diagnosis, but I think; Like Autism, all mental health is on a spectrum. Back at that job, I 100% know I would have been diagnosable. Now, not so much. But I still deal with some of those feelings and impulses.

So while HRT wasn’t the only big change I made at the time, I think it was the catalyst. From what I understand we go through a kind of a second adolescence (please correct me if I’m wrong), which I think is fertile ground for latent genetic and environmental issues to grow.

That’s my theory, anyway.

I also got my ADHD diagnosed some time after starting HRT. I can’t say whether hormones made it better or worse, but I think I’m more aware of how my mind is working now rather than dissociating all the time. I think going to the clinic for HRT made it easier to go see someone about mental stuff.

My partner insists I’m ASD as well, which seems plausible. Apparently Trans + ADHD + ASD is kind of a set menu.

My mood goes up and down a lot more now too, and I tend to burst into tears easily. Which might look like I’m in a worse state, but it’s really just that I’m present finally and I can feel things. Other people have said the same thing, but I feel human at last.

Oh, and I don’t remember where I heard this, but treating ADHD can cause other mental issues to reveal themselves. So it might not be HRT at fault.

I’ve got what seems like CPTSD which causes me to go from a wonderful day to reliving the past and feeling like life is horrible, just as I did pretransition.

I’m also autistic, which could (but hasn’t for me) be combined with the “so called trans people are confused narrative” for people to think I’m just so gullible I feel for being transed. Luckily I’ve not experienced that, but seeing how the US is going, I think that risk is increasing. I just want autonomy and for my decisions to not be delegitimized.

Politics in general is just rough for mental health because I don’t know when next they’re gonna make it harder for me to get my life-saving treatment. I already experienced about a week off my meds earlier this year because laws changed and I had to scramble to reschedule stuff, and that was still the worst I’ve felt this year.

When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn’t have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I’d anticipated.

The suspected BPD is new. I’ve had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I’ve exhibited a lot of behaviour that I’m now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I’ve got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn’t get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn’t visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn’t recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I’ve just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I’m alone and can’t stop my brain. This is totally new, I’ve never ended a relationship while still in love, I’ve never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I’ve never idolised someone to this point. I’ve no clue if it’s from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.

It sucks.