My second wife was ridiculously jealous. At first, she would go through my phone*, about which I was apathetic and allocated no thought since it initially seemed to assuage her jealousy. She would claim that I was tech-savvy enough to hide my tracks (true, but not worth my effort). But then I got a security-critical job, so her snooping became an instant nope. She flipped the fuck out. So many accusations over completely innocuous things such as a team happy hour (to which she was invited) or the quarterly dude’s weekend my friends and I were doing for years. She repeatedly, actively tried to stop me from going to my dude’s weekend. And while there, she demanded I send pics and video of attendees to make sure we weren’t gangbanging other women (no, seriously, that was her concern). “No, honey, we’re playing Mario Kart and sampling Scotch. Here’s the proof.”

*I later came to learn that this violation of privacy, even through I didn’t care, is a huuuuuge red flag.

The irony here is that we had an ENM marriage. I was too busy to date anyone else, but she saw demons in everything. Turns out, that was projection on her part. She would demand terms for our ENM dynamic, which was fine by me since I was functionally monogamous. And then she would completely violate all of these terms. In marriage counseling and my individual efforts to save our marriage, I read everything science- and research-based that I could find (John Gottman’s Love Lab FTW). Turned out that her attachment style is anxious-avoidant, and that shit burns down everything around it. As an example of how bad things were, our marriage counselor fired my wife. Yelled at her and threw her out of the session, told my wife that she was actively breaking the therapeutic process, and to never come back. Our counselor said that was the first time she ever lost her temper in over 20 years of practice.

After that marriage imploded, I invested heavily in my own therapeutic journey. It quickly became obvious that my wife had been dealing with lots of trauma. She would pull shit that would turn you white, and claim a dissociative state (which I believe was one of the few true things she ever said). And that dissociative behavior generally indicates deep trauma. What was that trauma? Never came to light.

I tend to stay friends with my exes, or at least socially acquainted, because we are emotionally mature enough to part amicably and able to recognize why we were close in the first place. My second wife is the only ex with whom I went scorched earth. I completely walked away and blocked all contact after the divorce papers were filed. I left only with my bicycle, motorcycle, backpack, computer, and a small bin of stuff. I wanted so little to do with her that I walked away from our house, my sailboat, and all of our joint investments.

So, for your own relationship journeys, I strongly suggest (ideally before getting too deep into a romantic relationship):

• “Attached” by Levine and Heller; accessible book about Attachment Theory
• pretty much anything by John Gottman; his research is primary source material on much of relationship science
• “Non-Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg; even better, take an NVC workshop; this will yield dividends in every interpersonal facet of your life

I’d just say that communication is key, and it sounds like therapy may not be a terrible idea for David for him to help unpack some of his trauma from his previous relationship. You’re not his ex and the jealousy and mistrust he seems to be displaying may very well drive a wedge into the relationship. A friend complementing your outfit isn’t a necessarily a romantic gesture and it would really suck for that kind of thing to introduce resentment into the relationship. That kind of thing can really fester. It’s good that it sounds like you’re both able to be honest with how you’re feeling.

My ex used to threaten me with self-harm when I was out having fun with my friends without her.

You might want to look into attachment styles, anxious attachment especially.

You mention everyone in the story is straight, but you stated you’re a 17 year old male engaged to another man. Typo?

I had a very controlling/borderline abusive GF for much of HS and the first years of undergrad. Leaving them was the best decision of my life.

I’m not going to act like I know your entire situation, and I know you’re not looking for advice, but all I can say is that your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy for both of you and you’re way too young to be engaged.

I have an ex like that (jealous) but not loving like David. He also was too far gone to work issues out with. My ex had severe anger issues, mood swings, paranoia, and a lot of trauma. I’m so sorry that happened though. 🫂 I’m sure David will listen to you. He’s 17, after all, not 21 like mine was.