My partner and I had our second a few weeks ago and I received a number of 100% genuine (and appreciated) “have fun with the kiddo” and “enjoy this time while it lasts” messages and you know what? I fucking hate the newborn phase.
Lack of sleep makes me angry, and the entire newborn phase is a red tinted haze of fury. Here i am in the middle of the GODDAMN night rocking this fucking potato for 45 fucking minutes and it’s just staring at me without blinking having the time of its goddamn life. My fucking feet hurt, I’m getting fat because food is the only thing that brings me the tiniest flicker of happiness, my partner is frankly a raging bitch and I’m sure I am in return, the toddler loses his mind at the drop of a hat, and I’m supposed to enjoy it?
Nothing about this is enjoyable. I hate every fucking second and I can’t wait to sleep train this goddamn barnacle who I CAN’T EVEN HELP CALM BECAUSE I’M NOT THE ONE BREAST FEEDING and I guess that means the only person the baby will relax with is mom. Being helpful and competent are core aspects of my self image, and this mindless sack of shit has robbed me of that.
I’m so fucking tired.
Here’s a reminder that Shaken Baby Syndrome exists because of this exact scenario. One of the best pieces of advice I have: Your baby won’t be able to fall off of the floor.
By that, I mean it’s perfectly okay to set them down on the floor and go for a quick 10 minute walk with your partner and toddler while the baby cries at home. Baby will be fine on the floor for a few minutes, especially if they’re not even holding themselves up yet. Walking away for a few minutes to recollect is much better in the long term for both you and the baby. People get angry when they’re sleep deprived, and even loving parents can end up hurting/killing their baby when they’re delusional from their fourth straight day without any rest.
The newborn phase (and also money) is why we aren’t having any more children.
When our twins were born and we couldn’t take shifts and also couldn’t have outside help because Covid happened 6 weeks later. I had some dark dark thoughts.
Like everything though. It gets better. You already have one you know that. Doesn’t really help in the moment.
That sounds like hell, how’d you do it?
We just kept forcing ourselves to get through every day until it just got easier really.
I went back to work after my vacation time ran out but made myself available to my wife when needed. We had a pretty liberal work from home policy due to the pandemic but I made sure I was in the office for my own sanity when possible and when she couldn’t take it anymore I would work from home so she could take a walk or something.
I’m sure I am in return
I think it’s really healthy to acknowledge this about yourself. Maybe you could mention to her that part of why you’re frustrated is that you can’t help.
sometimes babies just won’t stop crying, and that’s normal but it’s difficult to endure. I’m sure it’s even harder for the mother because as a dad we can shrug and say of course I can’t get it to stop crying, I’m not the mum. She gets to feel inadequacy to a whole other level.
Did you get connected with this info?
One of the things I learned was that even if I can’t get the baby to stop crying, I can take the baby from mum so that mum can have a break. Like if the baby is screaming and isn’t hungry take it physically away from the mum, for a walk, for a drive, to a patio, so she can have a breath. That is helping.
Wow this kids life is gonna fucking rock
OP is having a hard time. It’s normal for new parents. They’re not exactly wrong - I wouldn’t say newborns suck, but they’re challenging as hell for both parents.
The kid’s life may or may not rock, but a struggling parent of a newborn is no reason to assume either way.
I also *tried to focus on the newborn phase, not the newborn. It’s the collection of circumstances that are making me miserable, not the baby itself.
At this stage, there’s not much that can be the baby’s fault. It’s okay to vent and okay to be at a mental stage where you need to vent. The wet nurse who helped with my kid’s birth said, at this state of life, if your kid is pink and breathing you’re doing okay. (There is some presumption of race here and I apologize if it’s inaccurate.)
Seriously … Don’t hurt the kid, make sure he or she eats, and make sure they’re breathing. Show them as much affection as you and the mother are able. Sleep when you can. Your job right now is to keep them alive and growing. Later, probably really soon, they’ll reward you by becoming whomever they’ll be.
Ima keep it a buck man I said what I said cause Im incredibly jaded. I think bringing someone into existence is generally a horribly cruel thing to do and that parenthood should be pursued by only the most headstrong and serene among us.
Just exercising my free pass to speak my mind that comes along with the anonymity. You can safely write me off as a crazy person unless you care to engage further
I agree that it’s unfortunate that we are unable to gain informed consent before birthing a child. I also don’t think any individual is obligated to have a child.
However, everyone deciding to go child free is a more sure apocalypse than any other potential one we currently face. Yes, I’d prefer to select a consenting soul from the aether, but my kid seems pretty happy to be around so far.
I also know that we’re facing a less than ideal future that probably will push some hardships onto any offspring we do have. That is unfortunate. However, I once saw a relevant quote on Reddit and have referenced it several times since (paraphrased here):
“I once apologized to my wife for having kids in such tumultuous times. She said ‘never apologize for raising dragon slayers in a time when there are dragons.’”
I do not mean to invalidate your opinion - parenthood is a very personal choice and, per individual, there is no wrong answer.
Yeah this is your fault for not having a house big enough so that you can still hear the child fussing with the night nurse. Have you tried not being poor?
I can sympathize. I’m at 5.5 months now and it’s way way better. He is lovely, adorable and I kiss him when he’s gone. However man did he suck the life out of me for those first couple of months. I was as furious and frustrated as you described and I had nothing but regrets.
I made it through so all I can provide are tips that helped me
Put in noise canceling headphones and upbeat music. Just because the baby is screaming doesn’t mean you have to hear it.
Second, a blow dryer worked wonders for us. We blow dried that baby constantly. It’s a bit warmer for you now but it worked for us.
Third rope any family member you can into watching them for a bit of time so you can get away. Family members say they want to help then stick them with the baby and get out.
Forth take full on turns. Get out and run or something to get energy out and let your partner do the same.
Fifth try and get to a point where pumping and bottle feeding is a thing. Dad bottle do wonders for bonding.
Last it will get better but you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s a selfish scream potato that is hell bent on testing your sanity. Just concentrate on making it through the next months with every one and your relationships healthy and you will have succeeded with flying colors.
The fleeting moments between fussing are what people remember with nostalgia. I swear the sleep deprivation wipes memories.
Being in the trenches with diapers and no sleep is what people try to forget. Frankly, fighting the kid to keep it off the nipple is a losing battle. Sleep training has mixed reviews and in some areas is considered abusive. Infants do pick up on stress. You’ll need to accept that for this stage in life, you don’t have the functioning equipment necessary to be useful for this aspect of your partner’s life. Your helpfulness can be doing all the stuff that needs to be done in order to let your partner’s sleep schedule follow the infant. Some kids don’t take to bottles, some do, some need time.
Try, as much as possible, to allow yourself to spend positive time with both kids. It gets better, but the challenges change.
Regarding sleep training, my wife researched it exhaustively, and i think the earliest we’d try it is four months, but we’re more than willing to stop and try again if it fails the first try
We’ve also put immense effort into coming up with activities and one on one time with the toddler so there isn’t any resentment built
As for the selective amnesia, people remember the hilarity when the baby shits in their partners lap or makes a funny face or whatever. But that’s like .01% of the time
Yup. The only good thing about that phase is the end. I can only assume the people who enjoy it are either A) Fundamentally built different, or B) Lucked out and had easy babies.
Edit: typo
I had really easy babies, for one nap time was literally put him in the car seat in the corner of a dark room and walk away, and I still didn’t enjoy it. It was way more fun after 6 to 10 years old, and I still enjoy time with them as adults.
Some phases of rearing children just aren’t enjoyable for some people, no matter how easy they are.
Let go of your anger. That potato bas done absolutely nothing to you. Yours and your partner choices led to this. Now live with it. Isbitbhard ans exhaustng ? Yes absolutely, breath, think and lovevthat little ball of complète helplessness. To quote a famous singer. We all got shit to eat in life, happiness is juste a matter of appetite.
Heres thé song, i sang that a lot while rocking m’y kids over nights may it help you… https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=w2MGfsM74Rw
To be clear, this post is serving as catharsis, the baby experiences as little of my frustration as it is humanly possible to express
Yeah i goût that, i think everyvody or most got it too. I m going 'lfor is after venting. Life sucks, just enjoy it. After thé poop phase it will ne endless questions, then homeworks, then messy Rooms, then i hâte you, then can i take thé car, then … And Every phase youll wish for thé next zone to Côme ans miss thé previous. Enjoy now. That diaper ils not juste gross ans smelly, its epic! Thé acrid mustard like substance that crawled up all thé way to thé pijama shoulders ils a tale to retold for ages. You are a god to a méat bundle of needs.
Unless there’s an insistence on breastfeeding, pumping to bottle feed can really share the burden and help the kiddo relax more with both parents.
You say a few weeks? You’re past colostrum phase, so maybe you’re due to try and transition into bottles? First thing we learned is kids don’t necessarily follow the same timeline as the last one.
Friend, all I can say is that you’re not the only one who has felt this way and it does get better.
Those are almost exactly the words someone else said to me when I expressed similar sentiments on Reddit and they were right.
I’ve got a 3yo and a 4mo. I was angry off and on for two months. It gets better. It might be slow, but it does. You are so sleep deprived you won’t even remember most of this. You’ll be able to enjoy it soon.
It gets better OP, but yeah, babies suck man
Continue to be helpful and competent. It’s unconditional love. It is a thankless job. Do not look externally for validation or praise. Newborns suck. Your were probably a little shit for the first few months of your life too. You’re just repaying your debt of existence.
For me, cardio helped my sanity. I hate running but I would just take 10 minutes for myself and run a mile. Then I’d get home and shower and it’s like a mood reset. Some people also like cold water on their hands and face.
I remember with my firstborn, I genuinely wanted to jump off the balcony and end my life due to lack of sleep.
You’re definitely not alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
Honestly, i hate kids in general… i have 2, one that is 9 and the other is 4. I really really tried to keep it 1, but i failed. If i knew it was going to happen ultimately I would have had the 2nd way sooner because one thing that sucks more than having 2 kids is having them 5 years apart. Starting over was brutal and i cant even comprehend how people have another kid when their first is a teenager or about to turn 18!
Anyway, the only difference I find crazy here is that I actually liked the 1st year the most until they are about 5 years old. I felt like the first 6 months of the year is mostly just sleeping for the kid and wherever you put the kid it has no choice in the matter! Age 2 and 3 just felt like absolute chaos of them running around and being to young to understand or care that they are giant dickheads… I have people tell me to cherish these moments as well or i liked they said you will think so differently once you have the kid and you will understand. I tell them now that I am still waiting for that life changing moment you said I would have. As bad as this sounds, yes i do love them and do everything for them, but I wouldnt be honest if I didnt say I really can’t wait until they are functioning adults already. My biggest fear is they won’t be and at that point I have no idea what I will do… (i should mention my oldest also has a lot of issues which are close to autism despite not having the official diagnosis of it).
