I haven’t posted here in a few months. Some of my most recent comments were as uncomradely as they were foolish, and in general (over this account and accounts I’ve had and since deleted in embarrassment) I’ve been prone to mini-crashouts. That I haven’t gotten banned/had more of my comments removed is because I know how to hold my tongue, both before saying something ridiculous and shortly after I start spouting off. Consider this my apology for my rabid behavior in the past.
Beyond apologizing though, I want to take this as an opportunity to self-criticize to better understand why I am this way and what to do about it. If I want to be serious about Marxism-Leninism, it’s only appropriate I try analyze this with dialectical materialism. At risk of being individualist, I’m going to be analyzing my own internal contradictions; internal contradictions are what drive development after all, and I’m sheltered and ignorant of the world to the point that I don’t yet trust myself to speak of global (or even national or local) systems without spewing at least a good bit of bullshit. I also suspect that others may face similar contradictions, so maybe some of you will find this helpful.
My primary contradiction, as far as I can tell, is the contradiction between knowing that change is inevitable and believing that I am incapable of change. I have some ideas as to what’s causing this, but I don’t want to dive into my life story: divulging too much personal information on a pseudonymous public forum is unwise, and no one should care about some coddled cracker’s well-being anyway. Suffice it to say that, for basically my whole life, I’ve been squeezed between repressive social norms on one hand and high expectations from my meatspace peers on the other. I am deeply embedded in a social circle of bourgeoisified proletarians that I’m having a hard time untangling myself from.
My next contradiction is between believing I’m utterly worthless and believing I’m super important and special. This is your standard inferiority/superiority complex, but it’s paralyzing regardless. The most destructive manifestation I’ve seen of this in myself is an avoidance of mentors. Instead of seeking out people who are better than me at something or the lessons they have to teach, I instead feel the drive to become better than them entirely from first principles; however, I get discouraged pretty much immediately knowing I’ll never measure up to them, so I give up early and lie flat in my room instead. Even when viewed with an individualist and liberal approach instead of a Marxist one, this is obviously unhealthy and a surefire way to fall deeper into depression.
The third contradiction is between a drive to conformism and a drive to contrarianism. I always think I’m wrong. This goes way beyond a healthy self-doubt that lets me reevaluate wrong ideas; instead, I’m building my ideas on ideological quicksand. Do I think Marxism is right? Well, I believe in it, so clearly it must be wrong. Maybe the anarchists or liberals are right? Do I change my mind to, say, anarchism? Well, I believe in it, so clearly it must be wrong. Maybe the liberals or Marxists are right? Round and round the ideological carousel goes, spinning so fast that I break my neck. Marxism is clearly correct, of course, but a part of my mind I can’t reach compels me to throw all critical thought out the window and vacillate between spineless conformism and rabid contrarianism.
I could go into this with more depth and thoroughness, but I’ve been agonizing over this post for weeks now and I just need to get it out. I’ve rewritten, removed, and added parts to try and communicate clearly without getting too navel gazey. It took a lot of effort on my part to avoid turning this post into a pit of self hatred like the Rigorous Self-Critique thought from Disco Elysium. Ultimately, one labor aristocracker’s contributions aren’t going to make or break a communist revolution. At the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if I don’t help the revolution. In my current state, I’m paralyzed to the point that even making minor changes in my habits feels like a herculean task, let alone actually joining an org.
There’s only one thing I’m entirely certain of: I don’t want to be this kind of animal anymore.
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Whoa. The 3 contradictions you listed just landed right in my soul. Like I had triangle, square, and circle gaps and you put the right shape in the right spot.
Damn.
The thing about change is yes, it’s inevitable, but there can also be powerful forces working to keep things the way they are. Sometimes this is more internal, like our own stubbornness about something. Sometimes it’s more external, like others trying to maneuver us to stay in a certain place.
As someone with executive functioning struggles, there’s a sort of paradoxical aspect to it that is hard. I believe children are supposed to grow up to be fairly autonomous; not in the individualist bootstraps sense, but in the sense of being confident toward pursuing and fulfilling their needs and desires. But this thing can happen with people who have executive functioning struggles (such as ADHD) where due to them seeming less confident, more directionless, more random, people in their life can tend to do the opposite of what they need, which is to try to take charge more, try to influence them more, try to steer them more, etc. The end result is instead of the person getting self confidence boosts from learning to do things of their own volition and getting material support when they ask for it, they become less certain and more dependent on the views and actions of others to the point that it’s harder to actually make decisions for themself.
You might see where this is relevant, even if it doesn’t all apply to your situation. If someone has trouble making decisions, that’s going to make it harder to change. Personal change requires: deciding to do something and committing to it, being pushed into it, or a combination of the two. In my experience, this can introduce some vacillation and ultimately paralysis. On the one hand, not wanting to just give in to what others want. On the other hand, lacking the confidence to commit.
This only gets worse when we factor in friction with the system as a whole. Under capitalism, people are often presented with options like: Through Door A, get what you most want out of life. Wow, easy choice, right. Also, it will probably make life worse for a bunch of other people. Through Door B, go nowhere fast but have a clearer conscience.
Being conscientious under a system like this is its own element to add to paralysis. Instead of life choices simply being a matter of “where would I like to put my attention?” or “where might I best fit?”, there’s this layer of “what am I contributing to and is it worth it going down this path knowing what it’s tangled up in.”
Then there are the anxieties of just trying to survive and thrive. It’s easy to talk about revolutionary stuff in the abstract, but taking on the antagonistic risks of living it is another thing. Some people end up changing the world. Some get killed trying. It can be scary and people aren’t as likely to risk if they still have a lot to lose.
I don’t know quite where I’m going with all of this, but I guess the point is that if you take all of this kind of stuff on consciously and you take decisions super seriously, it will absolutely do your head in. The good news is, most day to day decisions aren’t actually a big deal, even though they may feel like they are. And even some of the bigger decisions are less of a big deal than they seem. I can be pretty terrible at recognizing this in the moment, but it’s true. A lot of things that can seem like major decisions are more reversible than they look. For example, say you join an org. Okay. Are you now committed to them for life? No. It’s not a blood pact. Maybe you find that it works out and you do work with them for life. Maybe you try it a bit and find there’s too much friction with how they do things and how you want to do things and so on. Maybe you do it for a while and then find for various reasons you need to go down another path.
But this is where I loop back to confidence. If you’re confident enough about these things, you can make that decision. If you’re not, the joining/leaving part can seem like a really big deal. What if you join and people come to expect a lot and are disappointed in you for leaving? Confident in the gutter will make this way harder than it should be.
If I knew how to fix this, my own life would probably look a lot different (and shit like “fake it til you make it” means nothing to me). But it’s something to think about maybe. Addressing confidence. And if you figure out how to, I’d be curious to know, cause hell, it’s hard sometimes.
As someone with executive functioning struggles, there’s a sort of paradoxical aspect to it that is hard. I believe children are supposed to grow up to be fairly autonomous; not in the individualist bootstraps sense, but in the sense of being confident toward pursuing and fulfilling their needs and desires.
I definitely have executive functioning issues. I’m pretty sure I’m autistic and deep in autistic burnout, so that makes functioning a lot harder. I’m also pretty fucked up from the death of a parent when I was a young child. My surviving parent gently nudged me to try a bunch of interests, but the gaping hole in my psyche made it so I was pretty depressed from the get go. Combine that with psychological abuse at the hands of a psychotic step parent (as in they regularly had literal psychoses and delusions that spurred them to be cruel to my surviving parent, not in the dismissive ableist kind of way), and I’ve got a lot poison in me I’ve yet to purge from my system even though that was over a decade ago.
Being conscientious under a system like this is its own element to add to paralysis.
Tell me about it! When I mentioned my embedding in a bourgeoisified proletarian social circle, my paralysis comes as much from the mental impact of knowing I need to slowly seek out a revolutionary social circle (while not completely blowing up at the people I already know and burning bridges) as it is the more obviously material aspects of it.
I quoted the bit about conscientiousness because I had an experience recently that really highlights how Capital can stick its hand up peoples’ asses and speak through them like a puppet, and damn it I need to vent about it!
I had traveled to another city with some friends I’ve known for a long time to attend an event. I realized that I forgot to bring antiperspirant, so I left the hotel on my own to go get some from a local pharmacy. On the way, a homeless man flagged me down and asked me to buy him some food. Besides wanting the help the guy, he suggested getting the food at the same pharmacy I happened to be going to without me mentioning I was going there. I felt like it would be an especially dick move to turn him down. That, and I had bought a coffee from the hotel’s restaurant without realizing it was Starbucks. Not only did I feel guilty for unwittingly violating BDS; I had also spilled the last bit of coffee on my face on my walk shortly before meeting the man, and had even taken my glasses off to lick it off. My aura was pretty weak.
I made the short walk with the guy to the pharmacy, he made some strange remarks about having been dropped on his head as a baby (he even took off his hat to show me the bump on his head), and I only understood about a third of what he was saying. Though mostly incomprehensible, he was very nice and not threatening in the least. We got to the pharmacy, I bought him the groceries he picked out, I bought my antiperspirant, and we parted ways.
Later that day, when I was eating lunch with my friends, I mentioned my side quest from earlier. I thought it was an interesting little event and would be fun to bring up. They fucking harped on me for it! They said I could’ve gotten killed (it was broad daylight and the entire route went through a busy area), and that I should’ve just ignored him entirely. One of these friends (whose humor consists mostly of rage b8ing people) mocked me by pointing out the window to another homeless person panhandling on the street below and saying, “Look, a homeless person! You should go down there and give him some money!”. Even the most proletarian and left leaning one of the group (I think he’s some kind of demsucc) said it was a bad idea, though he didn’t twist the knife like the others.
I know that individual acts of charity, and even charity organizations, are no solution to poverty, but Jesus Hussein Christ! Their reactions were damn sickening! It wasn’t even a “you’re bragging about doing a good thing, get off your high horse” kinda reaction, but a “fuck da homeless, but make it sound socially acceptable” kind of thing.
The dark one, Capital, possesses those who do not guard against him. Through the lips of his legion, he whispers lies into the ears of the masses. Against those who would bring about his demise, he deploys his barbed tongue; the resolve of most crumbles. Against the few whose souls escape his grasp, he deploys fire and brimstone; bullets and white phosphorous; surveillance and assassination; carpet bombings and guided missiles. Though he has long reigned over the earth, his power is weakening. In his all-consuming hunger, he devours his own legs out from under himself! For every person he kills, dozens see him for what he truly is and take arms against him. Those who have merely some of his blessings are betrayed, immiserated; his lies may linger in their hearts for a time, but cold reality will force them to see the only way out. Capital must die! Capital will die!
I meant to respond to more, and I do need to work on my confidence like you said, but I ended up in a stream of consciousness creative writing kind of thing at the end there for some reason. Now I’m tired.
Your “friends” digging into you for helping a homeless person is very fucked up. Even the liberals I know still tend to have a charity view toward homeless people at least.
I definitely have executive functioning issues. I’m pretty sure I’m autistic and deep in autistic burnout, so that makes functioning a lot harder. I’m also pretty fucked up from the death of a parent when I was a young child. My surviving parent gently nudged me to try a bunch of interests, but the gaping hole in my psyche made it so I was pretty depressed from the get go. Combine that with psychological abuse at the hands of a psychotic step parent (as in they regularly had literal psychoses and delusions that spurred them to be cruel to my surviving parent, not in the dismissive ableist kind of way), and I’ve got a lot poison in me I’ve yet to purge from my system even though that was over a decade ago.
Yeah, that kind of trauma isn’t just gonna disappear with time. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. If I may make a recommendation, assuming you can afford it at all, some therapy may help with processing it. I have a pretty mixed view on therapy and its effectiveness as a whole, but trauma is one area where it’s such a sensitive thing, therapy is probably one of the best equipped places to get help with it. Because of the privacy of it, the professional obligations, and so on. Even if it’s just some talk therapy sessions of getting to talk through it with somebody who is trained to hear out that kind of thing. It may alleviate some of the pain of holding it inside.
I’ve been doing therapy for years now, with mixed results. Luckily, I found a good talk therapist and just completed a series of a newer type of therapy.
Luckily, I found a good talk therapist and just completed a series of a newer type of therapy.
That’s good.
And yeah, I get the mixed results. I did therapy myself for a couple years and got some good out of it, but it was also very frustrating at times, partly owing to the individualist tendencies of my therapist.
I can at least admit to my therapists that I’m a communist and actually have them kind of agree with me and not dismiss me, so I really lucked out.
That’s great! The one I had, I mentioned it at some point I think and they just kind of didn’t comment on it directly in an ideological way. I think they were trying to do the thing of not bringing ideology into therapy, but it still leaked out in the kind of advice they gave and the positions they took at times when I shared something.
I’ve been prone to mini-crashouts
maybe it’s understandable in a political community like this, that makes people so passionate
I’m going to be analyzing my own internal contradictions
the most difficult part
I’m sheltered and ignorant of the world…I don’t yet trust myself to speak of systems without spewing at least a good bit of bullshit
an usual temptation, too risky in a place that prioritizes reading over emotional reaction
I am deeply embedded in a social circle of bourgeoisified proletarians that I’m having a hard time untangling myself from
bourgeoisified communities probably are imo a good part of the lives of many comrades here
even making minor changes in my habits feels like a herculean task, let alone actually joining an org
little steps, i guess…
at least you’re working on it, keep learning and avoid reactionarism
Whenever I am uncertain about something regarding my political work, I try to think about Combat Liberalism by Mao, Mao’s principle of no right to speech without investigation, and the principles of unity, crit/self-crit, and democratic centralism. I find it often clears it up for me whether I should forge on ahead or change course and backtrack.
Best of luck, comerade!
