Hi
I’m struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I’m constantly in shutdown, and I can’t even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I’m stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that’s even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I’m by myself, I can’t seem to express any feelings, as If i’m trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I’ve been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i’m hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i’m getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don’t have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
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Have you attempted to journal? Force yourself to write three sentences before bed about the feelings you felt that day?
Just that could help. Hope it gets easier for you.
Yeah, that’s one thing I started doing 10 years ago and used to do very consistently. But usually my entries are quite bland, more about what happened during the day, not so much about feelings.
Because I seem to have troubles with remembering what I felt during the day.
It might help to have a prompt template of sorts for every day to remind you of exactly what it is you need to journal.
Questions like “What did I do?”, “Who did I interact with?”, and “what did we talk about?” To start, but also “how did I feel about that?”. Or maybe for each event you talk about, end it with an emoji.
I find that feeling, communicating, and expressing are 3 separate processes for me. Feeling is mostly done when I am alone, with the time and space to do so. Communicating is what i do when I recognize a reason for other people in my life to know what I’m feeling. Expressing is hard, usually more about adding some non-verbal communication to help the allistic people around me receive the message I am trying to send rather than anything I am doing for my own sake. It’s part of the masking/camouflaging.
I totally understand the feeling, communicating and expressing as 3 separate processes. For me, when I’m feeling something, I can’t think. And when I’m thinking, I can’t feel.
Often that means that when I’m unconsciously stressed, I can’t do any work/admin because I can’t keep anything in my head. And when I manage to focus on something, I can’t feel anything. Not even thirst or hunger.
So talking about how I feel is very difficult, because I can’t feel it while talking. Writing is easier, but still very much constrained.
I’ll try to put your prompts for journalling somewhere, I think it would be good to ask myself those questions for each thing I remember and write down. Now the question is how to remember to check the prompts!
Get it back on track. Set a goal to write about three feelings a day. Keep it in your mind throughout the day, and when you feel something, just remember that you’ll need that for your journal later. Take a moment to think about how you feel and what made you feel that way. No worries if you don’t hit the goal, it’s a skill you have to practice. Try again tomorrow!
I’ll try, thanks for the suggestion. At the moment it feels quite impossible for me to remember something later when I’m writing if I don’t write it down immediately. But I’ll still try.
Sounds like the therapists are following their ideas of what you need rather than understanding what you really need.
You might be able to help them with that by showing them this post. If you’ve told them this and they still didn’t get it, I’m sorry about that. That’s their failing, not your flaw.
I’d suggest a somatic therapist, or maybe a good gestalt therapist.
Working with body and sensation, without reference to emotional experiences, can give you what you need to regulate your nervous system which sounds like it’s stuck in alarm mode.
I train therapists in this approach so feel free to DM me if you want to!
They actually recommended me to try some sort of body-focused therapy, like Somatic experiencing or sensorimotor therapy. But I have not tried it yet.
I think partially because it’s difficult to find somebody nearby. I live pretty far from the city centre. But partially also because I’m afraid it will help, if that makes sense.
I mean that because I’m afraid of feeling my own emotions, I also subconciously tend to avoid doing things that trigger them. I avoid moving, I avoid exercise, I avoid talking to my therapist about things that trigger emotions (and they seem to prefer avoiding triggering me? I actually never showed any emotion to any of my therapists), and I avoid trying body-based therapy.
It actually took me 3 years after deciding I need to go to a psychologist, to actually daring to send the email and make the appointment.
It makes it quite difficult to actually make the steps towards allowing emotions to be there. But it seems like doing regular breathing meditation is giving me some buffer to work with.
I may suggest a meditation practice, you may like Pema Chodron’s book, welcoming the unwelcomed. It’s pretty much exactly about coming to acceptance with whatever is unpleasant. There are a lot of meditation practices and books on not ignoring whatever is bad or stressful but just taking your mind and taking a step back from it, becoming just the aspect of yourself that is observing. I think you may have some luck with that because it seems as of now your mind is so deeply and closely involved with this bad feeling or that one that it fully shuts down.
Meditation is weird for me. It’s actually quite easy for me to sit down to meditate. I’m currently doing it twice per day for 1 hour each time.
I try to be mindful of my breath, but often I can’t feel anything. And I also rarely find myself thinking about things, my mind is just blank. What I notice mostly is physical discomfort, but it’s also very subtle.
Somehow I’ve still found it helpful though. But for some reason I’m curious to experience racing thoughts or worries that people often seem to experience during meditation. Seems more interesting than numbness and emptiness.
Meditation is a very general word like music. Music can be heavy metal or classical orchestra or reggae. There isn’t really one singular meditation, although the common feature is taking a moment to focus on something. So trying one form and it having mixed results can be like listening to one band or one genre and saying you don’t really like music.
That is I suggest exploring a little, particularly if you’ve already seen some positive results. Some find it better mixed with yogic practices, some in groups, some solo, others find it better guided, some prefer meditation focused on this or that subject and so on. For example there’s laughing yoga in which people focus on laughing, it’s a lot of fun in a group. There’s even dream yoga or what’s known as lucid dreaming.
All that said it is helpful to build a strong foundation of acceptance and forgiveness. Expect nothing, accept everything as it is in that moment. It seems like somewhere in your mind there is a very tight grip or holding and I think you’ll be able to loosen it and find acceptance in what happens when that tight grip is let go.
I may also suggest acupuncture with a good practitioner, like western doctors or any doctor they’re not all equally skilled. For some they find it very useful in moving things around after a few sessions. Particularly the thing choking you from speaking sounds like a classic plum pit qi condition.
Thank you for suggesting that, I honestly don’t try many things, partially because of financial reasons, but also because I often have the experience that things don’t make any difference.
Maybe it’s because I just can’t feel the difference. But perhaps also because I should get more specific, directed help. And it can be difficult to find people who focus on my specific issues.
Just today I tried following a metta meditation from a monk giving discourses nearby. And this was the first time that it kinda clicked. Normally I don’t notice any feeling. But this time I did. So that gives me a bit of hope.
I’m not sure of your location but acupuncturists do indeed take patients on pro bono from time to time and in my home town there was an acupuncture school. No offense but your condition would probably be seen as something very interesting or intriguing for someone to treat. Not your average runny nose so to speak.
Now on to mediation, It’s quite a deep and involved world with its own practitioners at different levels of understanding and skills not unlike the world of music… There’s the person learning their first instrument and there is Eddie Van Halen and Yo-Yo Ma so to speak.
Many find breath work good as it really engages the body in a release aka somatic healing. There’s sound bath meditation, Yin yoga, Hatha, Ashtanga, Kundalini and so on. I personally see yoga as a mixture of exercise, meditation, and spiritual practice and different forms have different levels of those three.
If for instance you really engage with group mindfulness meditation then something like your local Buddhist temple may be a good fit. Personally I would envision this like a journey and exploration to new and foreign lands but lands of experience and understandings.
As for money, it is unfortunately a barrier to some things but there’s also means without money. I’ve donated massage (since it’s one of my main skills) for other treatment. I’ve donated my time, as in volunteer work and so on. In this world there’s a lot of people not so concerned by money, but more so the fair exchange of energy as well as practitioners who indeed donate their time and skills for charity to the world.
Took me decades to find a therapist that actually was what I needed. She is also neurodivergent, so that made a big difference. Problem is that most doctors and therapists who have a good grasp of autism, ADHD, etc., tend to only work with kids since it still is hard to convince a lot of providers that they don’t go away after childhood, we just get better at masking and the other disorders that develop from constant masking end up masking the root cause. I didn’t even discover I was AuDHD until my 30s and that was only because a psychiatrist I was going to for panic attacks was also ADHD and recognized it. And it took another decade after that to find the right therapist that understood that giving tedious “homework” was just making things more difficult, that I’m already past my limits so saying to try pushing past them is stupid AF, that I don’t react to pain (physical or emotional) like a normal person not because it’s not affecting me, but because I’m just unable to not mask it from decades of being called lazy or wimpy for expressing it, and all the other things that people who don’t understand these disabilities tend to say.
Anyway, don’t give up. Try to find friend groups of other neurodivergent people who will let you be yourself. Try to find Autism specialists who will see people of your age group and not just children (assuming you aren’t). Basically, do everything possible to avoid any neurotypical people who are not willing to accommodate your needs. It’s a disability not because there’s something wrong with us exactly, but because the majority refuse to accommodate our needs, just like cities that refuse to install sidewalk ramps are not accommodating people with mobility issues to participate in society.
Just my 2 cents of course and it’s not perfect and not easy to do, especially if you don’t live in a city, but it has improved my life significantly to do those things.
Wow that sounds very similar to my experience. Diagnosed with ADHD and Autism at 30, and therapy was basically useless because I would forget or stress myself out by forcing myself to do activities based on CBT.
Every time I’m in distress or physically painful, I wouldn’t even grunt. I just become calm and less talkative, maybe even stop talking. It’s just become a fully unconscious suppression for me.
Finding somebody that can help is tough though. There are some directories with autistic practitioners. But most of them are in the center of the city. Which is 60 minutes with the metro. (I get so tired from the ride that anything after that point just doesn’t get processed anymore)
Same with the autistic communities, most are in the center. And I generally don’t use common social media, so I wouldn’t know about anything nearby.
Did you find any specific form of therapy helpful for you?
I’m not sure what type of therapy it is considered, but mostly it’s just very flexible and more about coaxing me to talk about things and then feeding me information about what I’m experiencing. Rarely does she give me advice on how to handle things unless I ask so that I can do my own analysis since that works better than unsolicited advice usually. Plus never “here, read this article/book/essay” which might have useful info but only after having to fight the ADHD and limited language processing capacity in order to get to the one or two sentences I need. Instead, she gives the info I need by asking if I understand a concept or two and skipping non-novel information if I do, and then just helping to fill in the gaps of my knowledge.
The other piece is encouragement. She truly makes me know she understands how much effort I’ve put into getting as far as I have and she outwardly shows real excitement when I overcome something.
Basically, she arms me with knowledge, listens to specific concerns, and gives a ton of encouragement rather than “making me work for it”. It may seem cute, overly familiar, or childish to a more stuffy, professional, and maybe wouldn’t work as well with some more macho men or others who might consider it deprecating and not react as well to that kind of thing as women like me do. But it sure as heck helps me. I’ve spent my whole life being told my struggles were trivial and I was just lazy, so it being recognized and congratulated and armed with the knowledge to keep on fighting as well as recognition that it is a battle is awesome.
Yeah, I think having encouragement makes a big difference. I can do some things, but usually only if other people encourage me to do it.
Apparently there is a word for it too: Animotophobia
Have you tried hitting the gym? Or some other sport?
And I’m dead serious. For me, who hated all kinds of sports all my life, it actually helps a lot.
I don’t know how exactly it works, probably on hormonal level, but even after one-time activities it already makes it better, and if doing it regularly (yeah, I’m struggling with that), it helps even more.
It doesn’t do magic of course, but it gives me much better control over emotions, and not only that, but also kinda motivates me work on it. Up to the point of getting some kinds of social connections that never worked for me.
Also, not a silver bullet for everyone, but if you could find some sporting activity that ‘clicks’ with you, maybe it would help you progress in whatever else you’re trying to work on (with or without the therapist).
Here’s a relevant meme to cheer you up a bit:
I’m trying to do that now, mostly because I am having serious pain in my neck and shoulders most of the time, so my doctor was basically forcing me to get moving.
I’m pretty sure it’s helpful, but even slight exercise makes me feel so uncomfortable that I can’t seem to keep up a habit. Especially not if there is nobody to push me to do it everyday.
That’s very true. What I find helpful is trying to do some exercises that are fun for me. Like, for example if plain walking or running is boring and unbearable, then maybe something like rollerblading or skateboarding might be more fun. Or maybe the other way around :)
The tricky part here is to force yourself to try it at least once (and better twice), and also try to choose something that doesn’t burn a hole in your wallet (like skiing, for example) — the guilt of not doing something you paid shit ton of money for enough doesn’t help either :)
Yeah, I would very much like to get into something nice, but that requires money, and that requires working, and that requires me feeling well. So it’s almost like a circular deadlock.
I also didn’t try much, so I don’t really know what I would like. I’m very ok with boring things though. I think because I’m always tense, even walking feels pretty intense, never boring.
There you go! A free way to break the circle :)
And if you find a way to do these walks in the nature and make them long-ish, that would work even better. Like, aim for making them more physically exhausting than mentally (well, in the safe range, of course). Being dead tired usually helps staying away from being tired of being dead inside — tried it myself ;)
Is it possible that this is a trauma response? I’ve had trouble expressing and feeling my own emotions to a somewhat lesser degree, and I’ve realized that a lot of the reason why is that I was punished for showing distress when I was growing up, hid and suppressed such things as a result. Learning about the concept of CPTSD (Complex PTSD, less like normal PTSD than it sounds at first), and practicing something similar to IFS (Internal Family Systems), have both helped me more than any of the therapists I’ve seen. Identifying internal “parts” and trying to listen to what they in particular have to say has helped me connect with and integrate my emotions to some extent. Expression has been happening in the form of a kind of freeform journaling, both writing and drawing whatever I feel like, which has worked better for me than normal rote prose journaling. I don’t know if any of those concepts or techniques will help your situation, but it’s what I’ve got to offer.
I, also, have had a fairly disappointing time with therapy. I’m currently seeing my 4th therapist and wondering how worthwhile it is to keep seeing this one. Most of the real progress I’ve made was on my own, just doing research and exploring the Internet (mostly Reddit though I’m trying to move away from using that). If I look for a 5th therapist I might look specifically for one who is autistic themselves to see if that works better.
I wish you well, and hope you find what you’re looking for.
I think in my case it might be related to emotional neglect? But it’s difficult to figure that out, because it’s difficult to remember the things that didn’t happen, obviously.
And I don’t really know that much about my parents, rarely talked to them, even though I lived with them for 30 years.
Neglect is definitely something which can cause CPTSD-like reactions in the psyche. Emotional neglect was a part of my upbringing as well. For what it’s worth, I actually have been able to identify it somewhat by talking with friends who had healthier emotional upbringings, and noting what they experienced and I did not.
Talking with your parents so little that you don’t even know much about them after living together for 30 years definitely counts as neglect.
I’d recommend having a look at the book “Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving” just to see if what it describes matches. It does talk about emotional neglect as one of the things which can cause long-lasting problems.
Yeah, i’ve read that book and found it very fitting. That’s why I started looking into this. I’m still not sure how to move forward though, I’ve had some improvements but still experience anxiety attacks and nightmares (without knowing the cause). And I just don’t remember anything from my childhood.
I stayed for a long time with a friend already, and I notice the big difference in how they approach life and contact with their family.
They even visited my family once, but didn’t want to return anymore. Even though they were kind and welcoming (I think), they felt stressed when they visited.
Yeah, at some point I also came across complex PTSD. And it seems to check all the boxes.
But the weird thing is that I can never really connect my current issues with things that happened in the past.
I actually barely remember anything from before I was 15 years old. And anything I do remember is just a sequence of facts, no emotions or feelings.
My last therapist was saying that it’s impossible for me to have trauma (probably because I never show much emotion at all during a session)
I have found that it helps for me to do some writing of things that randomly pop up in my head, but this is always extremely difficult, as I’m rarely aware of my thoughts at all.
I actually barely remember anything from before I was 15 years old. And anything I do remember is just a sequence of facts, no emotions or feelings.
Yeah that sounds like a lot of emotional distress & suppression from an early age, at least in my unprofessional opinion.
My last therapist was saying that it’s impossible for me to have trauma (probably because I never show much emotion at all during a session)
O_o
Maybe they had a different definition of trauma than what I know of. There are different responses to traumatic experience. Some of them make big, flashy results. The fight response can make people highly abrasive. The flight response can make people nervous workaholics. The fawn response can make people into over-gentle doormats. The freeze response though can make people clam up, to hide and to bottle, to show as little externally as possible. It’s also, funnily enough, the strongest trauma response. The other 3 are active responses, trying to do something about the danger. They’re biologically preferable to freeze because they’re options for solving a problem. The freeze response is a last resort when other solutions have been tried, and no way to deal with the traumatic situation has been found. Showing no emotion is not an indication of lack of trauma, it can be an indication of inescapable trauma.
I have found that it helps for me to do some writing of things that randomly pop up in my head, but this is always extremely difficult, as I’m rarely aware of my thoughts at all.
Hey that sounds good! Even if it’s hard to do with any regularity, having any healthy medium for processing is good. Maybe you can even try turning it around, start writing literally anything that’s in your head, even if there’s hardly anything you can perceive, and just keep going, see if you can sort of prompt thoughts to start flowing through a medium like writing. That type of technique works for me sometimes.
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve gone through, no one should have to grow up in neglect like that. Keep searching & observing, I don’t know if what I’ve said will help you much but I do think you can find the answers you need if you persist.
Thank you. I appreciate the words.
I often find myself taking a bunch of steps to try and improve my situation, keep it up for a while, and then drop everything because I fell sick, or got exhausted.
So the progress is so slow. But I do see some. Moving more also seems to help, but it can be so difficult to get started again. I always feel so uncomfortable.
